I'm kinda scared of brownies. Okay, scared is a strong word. Plus I'm married to a South Asian, does that give me street cred? Maybe not since he is admittedly white washed -- I have to coerce him to eat anything Indian (he wrinkles his nose, and not in a "my interest has been peeked" sorta way, if I've been making my mean curry), but I digress. I have a bias against my peeps. I automatically think I probably won't like the brownie(s) or they won't like me. The first thoughts that cross my mind are -- conservative, clickish & catty chicks..... Yeah, I think of myself as a married but dislike married people type of bad ass who isn't catty (of course) but more of a scamp;) I'm a bit tweaked.
Where is this fear coming from? I've never been part of a desi crew. None of my homies (ride or die friends) are desi. Hell, I only have one desi girl's number in my cell phone (girl you know who you are). Plus the desi chick clique wasn't into me in college -- maybe I was too much of a ho. Anyhoo, fearful of the brownie (more so the brown chick -- desi chick clique gone a la Mean Girls) is where I'm at. Anyone else a wee bit intimidated yet secretly want to be invited to the party?
I know, I need to get over it. Fo shizzle.
15 comments:
I was too white-washed for the brown folks in high school (cuz you know going to college, wasn't keepin' it "real").
In college, all the brownies were really clickish, also my blue collar, middle class upbringing wasn't cool enough to mix it up with the upper middle class, white-collar brown folk. Then there was the "Oh your not Punjabi/Gujrati/[insert specific region here], so I can't hang out with you"
Seriously, WTF?
Sorry for the long comment, but your post hit a nerve, I've long since accepted that I won't be invited to the party....I don't have the street cred ;)
I used to feel that way too, BC (um hello, the first whole year of my blog posts are about how desi people scare me).
But, brown or not, I think the idea of a clique or club is often constructed in the minds of those who feel they are not a part of it.
That's not to say that there aren't actually bitchy, cliquey, exclusive, close-minded, uptight people (men and women) out there. However, I generally think most people aren't really, truly like that.
Also, often when I myself was part of a not-so-welcoming clique, I realized it was more because we were not confident ourselves, so creating an insular group gave us... I don't know, support or something.
In college I was not active AT ALL with the SA community. I basically felt like they were just like IG described above - even though I fit in with several of those stereotypes. But, I also realized that part of it was my own issues: Oh I only speak English, I don't watch Bollywood, I don't know anything about bhangra.
Instead, I hung out with a much more diverse crowd, which I found out later was considered intimidating to the other desis!
People will always be more different than they are the same, I think. And everyone fears that.
I don't even know where to begin with this one. I could really go to town on this since it's a closed blog but I'll just keep it simple and say I feel your pain :)
"Instead, I hung out with a much more diverse crowd, which I found out later was considered intimidating to the other desis!"
Tamasha, I feel ya on this one.
BC, like Zen said, I don't even know where to begin on this topic. But I must say, this blogging community has helped me like more desi people :-).
IG: I feel you. I'm white washed from a definitely blue collar/middle class family. I'll invite you to my party!
Tamasha: Wise words girl. Thank you for making me feel *cooler* for having a diverse crew.
Zen: I edited this post several times to make it more PC. I was scared of getting flamed.
Brown Sugar: Being part of the desi blogosphere definitely makes me like more desi peeps. I'd get crunked with all of ya.
I know it's different for me...there's a bajillion white girls running around Portland....but I'm just scared of girls in general. My BF got a phone call from his best girl friends from college and they told him that they are all moving back to Portland...he was so excited! He looked at me and said, "My girls are moving home! These girls are crazy! I'm so stoked!" I felt a little uneasy...I'm scared to death of girls and expecially the ones that my BF loves to death and is close with. Am I acting retarded?? It's like more competition for me now and I have to be accepted by yet another group...ugh. I hate it. I feel like I'm in HS!
I love you BC!! You can be in my clique!
I feel you as well, except I'm not desi, although I have a crapload of desi friends, and the desi boys seem to love me. No matter what though, I'll never be let into communities like SM, nor am I going to ever be treated like an insider...because I'm not, and never will be. No matter how cool I am, I'm just not desi and can't change it.
I get discriminated against by groups a lot, since I'm not anything. My Mexican friends' families find me endearing, but obviously, I'm not Mexican. The Arabs find me interesting, but not Arab enough. The Jewish boys love me and their women hate my guts, and we all know a Jew isn't going to marry an Arab if he can help it. So...I feel you. I know how it feels to be left out.
I definitely don't consider myself the conventional american born, bred Indian girl who is 'supposed' to be cultured but somehow never seems to act classy. I definitely did the 'hanging out with only indians' thing and it wasn't for me. I find American left-wingers more cultured than some Indian girls I've known for a while. It's also funny because my boyfriend is Indian, but when it comes to Indian men, I have a very narrow scope because they too are like aforementioned Indian girls. But, I have to say that I've met Indian girls/guys who are super cool, who usually also tend to stray from the Indian crowd as such. I'm with ya girl!
Girl, desi men are another post-topic altogether. SEEEEERiously.
There's a lot of truth in Tamasha's comment. I do come from a stereotypical white collar desi background and while I never really associated with the SASA/NetSAP crowd, I do have a ton of desi friends, but they're not into what one would consider the "desi scene" (clubbing, happy hours, fashion, etc.) It's all about finding people whose company you enjoy and the desi people I associate with in real life are much like those I interact with in the blogosphere. They have diverse interests, are highly intelligent, and are fun to be around.
Invariably, when a group of people with common interests gathers, those who do not share those interests often label them as a clique, as Tamasha said. But cliques form around a variety of bases. For example, I'm very much in a musician's clique and I can definitely see how someone who is not a musician could be intimidated around us. We're not intentionally mean, but we do talk about music in very involved ways that many people don't understand because they don't speak the same language. Similarly, if there is a desi clique, it's probably not because those people are mean, it's probably because they share interests that you don't have, whether it be superficial or no.
Sorry for the long comment, but I think the key to not feeling left out is just to be open to people and let them be who they are. If this happens both ways, you'll find yourself in some pretty surprising friendships.
odd enough, i connect with this post. in a previous post, you described your high school experience fashion- grunge. that meant that i hung out with non-desi folks. plus, i wasn't headed to the harvards and yales. and then, college my first two years i hung out with the desis. and i became really narrow-minded, jaded, and developed eating disorders (damn, i will never be a skinny guju girl). and then the last two years of college, my friends were like my friends in high school, i.e., very diverse.
blogging has definitely allowed me to come full circle and meet desi folks who get me, don't question my taste, and embrace their ethnic background and assimilation. but, then again, blogging is a clique. i don't know if a stereotypical desi man/woman would be accepted in this space. but, then again, our stereotypes are generally based on looks, perceived socioeconomic background, and social status that is usually hard to dicipher via blogs.
i'm rambling..
MB is right about how and why many "cliques" form, and why others might feel intimidated. That is exactly why I was intimidated by the South Asians in college. I never felt South Asian enough (but you can insert any descriptor there, right? musical, smart, pretty, whatever).
I'm not ragging on you MB, but I always think it's so funny when desi people (me included) say, "Oh yeah, I have desi friends, but they're different. They're not like your typical desis." First of all, those typical desis ain't so bad, really. And second, if we ALL have these non-typical desi friends, maybe we need to start talking about what actually makes a typical desi.
:)
The funny thing is I wrote this blog post feeling isolated and disconnected. Reading all of these comments I cetainly don't -- and that's a beautiful thing.
I heart you all.
I am incredibly intimidated by desis. The girl that I've mentioned in my blog is desi, and she is drop dead gorgeous, smart, bold, funny... Everything I wish I was. My husband is in love with her and it breaks my heart. I find myself becoming obsessed with the brown girls, because they are so inticing and they always seem to catch his eye, and the eyes of any other males that happen to be in the room. I log onto this girl's webpage/ MySpace daily, and I'm not sure why... I wish I could get over it. Fo Sho.
Tamasha,
Point very well stated and taken.
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