Manifest My Desire

I feel like I've been making up excuses my entire life in order to vindicate the choices that I've made -- well the mistakes really. I'm so tired of myself saying well I was going to do this wonderful thing but then this got in the way and it all worked out so it's okay, right? God that is such a chicken shit answer.

I am accountable for my choices. I need to keep repeating that to myself. I can either have a mediocre life or a terrific one and I control that. Right now being married, it's easy to avoid the question, "what do I want to do,"and sort of let my partner set the pace. My husband is not telling me what to do; it's easier to just not think about it. It's easier to not think about my career and instead just agonize about his. In one word pathetic - when did I lose my ambition?

I remember a time when I was so sure of myself. I really believed I was a strong, intelligent, and powerful woman (I miss that girl). When did that fade? It's like I lost all belief in myself.

Well I acknowledge where I am at this moment. I have to change. Change comes from self-realization. Well I guess I'm somewhere (even though I don't know what that exactly means).

Posted by Oni on Saturday, November 12, 2005 at November 12, 2005 | Permalink