Yoyoin' With My Heart

With a loved one sick I build my own defense system around my heart. I just can't see my dad sick. He wasn't in great shape this weekend. I couldn't believe the person I was looking at was my dad. So I didn't. I thought of this person as a poor look alike. My dad is fat. This person weighs less than me. My dad is hyper. This person took naps. My dad walks with determination. This person shuffled. My dad is loud and yells at me. This person was quiet and meek.

I got back to L.A. on Sunday night and I remember feeling a sense of deep loss because I thought my dad was gone. I called him today, he's on his second round of chemo, and I got to talk to my dad and not this strange person. He yelled at me. He laughed. He was funny. He made plans for future trips to India. I didn't want to get off the phone. How long will he stay this way (healthy, quirky, opinionated and loud)? I'm scared to call him tomorrow. Who will I get, dad or the strange man? My prayer: Jesus and all other Messiahs, please just give him another chance at living. Let him stay strong and healthy. Don't play with his heart or mine. I'm tired of the emotional yoyoin'. And when you take him, hopefully years from now, don't kill him with the big C, let him die suddenly and painlessly.

Whatever happens. I have to let go of this defense system. I have a sick dad and I have healthy dad. They're the same person. I gotta deal and get a grip.