I try not to think about it. I don't think I could function if I did. Most days I keep all of those thoughts out of my mind. I feel guilty for not thinking about him. I don't really want to. Being angry is easier. I can get through my day being angry. Why didn't you fucking take care of your health?I was packing up to go to San Francisco this weekend to see Roonie. I pulled out my luggage and I saw his glasses. After he died, we cleaned the entire house. We got rid of everything that was his. We didn't want my mom coming home to all of those reminders. It was so hard just stuffing all of his things, his life, into garbage bags. He used to wear velcro sneakers. They were always the K-mart brand, he never spent any money on his clothes. My brother and I got him a pair of high quality boots for Christmas and he never wore them, I think he was afraid of ruining them. He alway put on Nivea cream, the one in the blue container, on his face. He used Johnson & Johnson baby oil on his hair. We just threw it all away. I kept 2 things, random. I had gotten him a fleece with my law school logo on it for his birthday one year, he wore it on special occasions. I also kept his glasses. I always made fun of them. They're ugly. They're fake gold with plastic tortoise shell covering. The plastic is chipped in many places.
In my luggage I found the glasses. I put them on and looked in the mirror. Did I look like him? I'm so pathetic, I smelled them, hoping they would smell like his Old Spice. They don't.
He's never coming back. I don't know why... but it just hit me while holding his glasses. This just fucking really sucks. I can't stop the flood of memories from coming into my mind. But none of them, not one singe memory, is good. It's all of him when he was so skinny and couldn't talk anymore. I just keep thinking about waking up, looking at his face, his mouth was open and eyes were closed and I knew. I touched him and he was so cold.
How does this happen? How can this be a part of life and hurt so much? I just want to hug him again. I want to stop hysterically crying. How is this ever going to be better?
Dad -- I want to fucking hate you for dying. How could you leave us? Why did you leave me?
6 comments:
Today would have been my dad's 80th birthday. It is so hard...
Dear BC,
I know exactly what you're feeling and I know that I can't say much that will change this feeling that you have. What I can say is that it will go away, closure will come and it will go away and you will smile. Until then I'm sending sunshine your way. =)
Yeah, you start to remember the good stuff more and more as time goes on, but it takes a while. Give it time, it's still very raw.
Let the feelings through, don't hold them back, hopefully it will make you feel less heavy with sadness and anger. Sending much love and positive energy your way.
This made me cry.
omg, this post was so sad! i didnt realize you kept his glasses! that mustve been so hard
i miss your dads huge glasses too, and i totally remember his velcro. he loved that law shirt you gave him. i think he was very proud to wear it.
when i think of your dad, i think of those glasses, tucked in shirts with overhanging belly, khaki pants, and white sneakers.
i agree with ma -- im glad you arent holding back your feelings. i think it will help in the long run
know always that you have a friend -- a shoulder to cry on if you need to.
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