Abortion is a horrible decision to have to make. Losing a baby is hard, regardless of whether it was caused by miscarriage or by a decision made consciously through abortion. Unfortunately, people are treated different openly or silently when a minutia of intent or choice is involved, analogous to the same way cancer patients are given sympathy while HIV patients are treated with disdain.
I remember the first time hubby and I hooked up. Jeez, we were completely and totally careless. After a night of ecstasy wore off, I woke up with the thought, “I am such a f*cking idiot.” We were broke, no health insurance, no money and no job. My then boyfriend, now husband, was wonderful. He looked at me and said, “I love you. I knew I wanted to have a baby with you from the first time we met. If you are pregnant, I want you to keep the baby, but the choice is yours. Either way you have my support and respect.” Any question why I married this man?
The darling boy didn’t know about the morning after pill (aka EMERGENCY CONTRACEPTION). Not taking this pill wasn’t a choice for me; I simply wasn’t ready to be a mother (might I add at that point in my life I thought I never would want children). I ran to Planned Parenthood as quickly as I could. Picketers were standing outside the clinic telling me that I was evil and I should not kill my baby because my baby didn’t deserve to die. I remember feeling bad, slutty even. They made me feel bad, for what – trying to be responsible?
If I had been unable to take the morning after pill and had gotten pregnant and had made the choice to get an abortion, who would sympathize with me? In my heart, I can’t help but believe that my parents and friends would think thoughts like, “well I guess it’s for the best, that slut. God help that baby-killer’s soul.” I would not have gotten the love, affection and sympathy that was poured onto me after my miscarriage, after all I am a married woman, who is entitled to get pregnant. In retrospect, the scared and guilty twenty-something year old would probably been the one who needed more love and understanding.
Judeo-Christian beliefs should play no role when it comes to a woman’s decision to choose. Thank god I never had to make that awful choice, but if I had to, I’m glad the choice was always mine to make.
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8 comments:
thank you for sharing that story... that was really brave. it's hard to 'fess up to any sexual irresponsibilities, but we all have had them. some of get lucky and some don't. one should have to pay a lifetime (yours and your child's) for a bad role of the dice.
Powerful story. Anyone who's ever been or imagined themselves in your position would sympathize, even if you had to look outside your family.
Bengali Chica,
I agree with KnK--it was very brave of you to share that story. And you did the right thing, the responsible thing.
I'm a bit of a muddle though, because although i have always (since 13 or so) belived in a woman's right to choice (i had awesome parents); I doubt if i would ever exercise the abortion option myself. Strangely, my husband is the same way. He has been a member of "Medical Students for Choice" for years now, but i know that he would be unhappy about me getting an abortion. Even if i got preggers and in utero tests showed indications of Down's Syndrome.
one of these days....I will share with you why and how I lost my baby a few years ago...but for right now...I'll just stand here and hold your internet hand...we've all been there...and thank GOD we have a choice....(I'm Jew/Christian and I think that you gotta do what you gotta do....and just hope that you have people there to support you...like your hubby!! Nice work on that one!!)
Amen, my sistah. I've been (mostly) responsible in my past sexual endeavors, but for the nights where I couldn't control that condom slippage...by golly, am I ever glad to have had the options that I do. I've thought about discussing the morning after pill so many times on my blog, but never had the balls to do it (me! Imagine that!). So you're doubly wonderful for sharing this story, and putting into words what so many of us women have had to go through.
maya--
i have to disagree that you are in a muddle. many people, not just you, see a contradiction between pro-choice and their personal feelings about abortion (mainly, not to). i don't see a contradiction. one is a policy issue, the other is personal. personal convictions, whatever they are, shouldn't shape public policy.
because the "anti-choice" movement gets so much press, it's refreshing to hear from people who can keep the two separated.
Confession...my baby is 9 months old. My twins are almost 7. I did not want to have another child but husband and I were careless and...for a brief moment, I was so devastated to be pregnant and I still miss the freedom I had before having another baby to raise all over again. Although I as so upset, I didn't think of aborton as an option. We are lucky to be in a positon to be able to care for another child. Before kids, I was sooo pro-choice. I still am as far as public policy is concerned, but for myself, I just couldn't think of it.
It may seem so callous for you to read "I didn't want this baby" considering your recent loss...forgive me.
Thanks guys -- I didn't realize I was being brave, but I feel all *fuzzy* inside.
Desimom: don't feel bad at all! You are entitled to the way you feel. I'm so glad you have 3 beautiful children!!
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