My friend Smurf is pregnant. She's 32 years old and 11 weeks along. I met up with her and other festival folk for a weekend project. As soon as she told me she was 11 weeks pregnant, I felt like someone kicked me really hard in the stomach. Of course I'm happy for her, but her pregnancy made me feel empty inside. I struggled to fight back tears. I couldn't really speak. I don't think I realized how much I wanted to be pregnant until that moment.The three of us gals chatted. I think I needed to hear them tell me over and over that I am 27 years old and I can get pregnant. Smurf told me that she was anxious and stressed out because it just is stressful when you want a baby so badly. She told me she was hella depressed in January. Her cycles are irregular and long like mine. The only thing that helped her was focusing on all the blessings in her life and staying positive.
So this is the post I'm going to come back to each and every time I am down or feel sad. Logic must supersede emotion. Here are some of the reasons why I should be grateful:
- I can get pregnant. I started trying to conceive in the end of October and had a positive pregnancy test on November 30th. I miscarried in mid-December. My cycle has just gotten normal. We've only been trying for one cycle. Technically, I shouldn't start trying until now, to allow my body to heal according to the OBGYN.
- I get to enjoy this cycle because there is no TTC until my wisdom teeth are pulled. I get to drink wine and have my coffee. I get to have carefree goalless sex.
- My husband loves and respects me. I am married to my best-friend. I found him at 24 years of age. God just gave him to me and I am so blessed.
- My husband has the kind of career that will allow me to stay at home with my children and have a wonderful life with zero stresses about money/finances.
- My family is amazing, both by blood and marriage.
- My friends are my family (loving, inspirational, loyal).
- I have no regrets about my professional and personal life. I have obtained the kind of job that I always wanted, I get to help people daily, and that allows me to walk away from it.
- My body is ready for pregnancy. I am at my ideal weight.
- My mind and heart are ready for pregnancy.
21 comments:
hang in there. your baby's coming.
(inshallah)
oh sweetie. i cannot tell you how many years i was in the same boat you are. the recurrent miscarriages (miscarrying the twins was the worst), subsequent inability to get pregnant again and the debilitating depression that followed. all the while, bellies were swelling around me. everyone i knew was pregnant and what's worse, some of them were not so thrilled about it. "oops" they would say and i would die just a little bit inside...
oh i have blogged about it in excess. as you know, i was finally blessed with mikaela after five long years and she is my world. the reality is that, with my medical history, the chances of me having another child are very slim. that, and i humbly don't expect god to bless me with another miracle, as i am SO SO SOOOO very grateful for the one he's already given me. oh, don't get me wrong though, another child would be such a blessing and i would love for him to work his magic again if he's willing. ;)
i know you'll be blessed with your own little miracle. i feel it in my heart. not that it makes the "process" any easier. as someone who has walked a thousand miles in your shoes, i know...i know. sending hugs and love.
I have a good feeling. You keep having good thoughts. Benjabi's on his/her way. I know it.
Who is " Benjabi"?
Sana
One of my professors (who is also a good friend) tried for 19 months to conceive and she is now (finally) 3 months pregnant at 35. There's TONS of hope for you! Don't give on on the Benjabi baby. =D
stupid cow. It will not happen unless you genuinely regret what you have done and what has been against the Catholic teachings. You are not a Catholic but if pretend, at least do it right. Nothing, nothing will happen before you genuinely regret.
hang in there...you were pregnant once and will be pregnant again soon!! It just takes time. I am 7 weeks pregnant but I am really thinking about getting an abortion. I will be a 3L in law school...and I cant take off from school to be a mommy. My boyfriend and I also are not financially ready. and im Indian (double yikes). It is really ironic that I came across your blog...but really just be patient and enjoy your life because once your baby comes...your life will be dedicated to the baby. I am learning the hard way!
No baby is coming to you unless you sincerely regret the anti-Catholic shit you have been doing. Catholicism is under a major attack nowadays, and all Catholics should defend it. You behave and speak as if you are its main enemy.
We will see Benjabi cute baby soon. Stay positive!
Don't worry you are only 27 years old. Here I am 28 year old and I don't even see marriage in horizon for next 3 years.
Anon: Congratulations. You have a tough decision ahead of you. I couldn't imagine being pregnant when I was in law school sans hubby. I'm sending you positive energy. Come back here anytime if you need support.
Troll: I feel so sorry for you and your obsession with me. I truly hope you move on, for your own sake.
You'll get your pumkin....I can feel it. And I'm sure the troll knows it's going to happen too...otherwise she/he/it wouldn't be trying so hard to get you down. No one, NO ONE can stop you from what your heart really desires!!
I'm sending you positive energy and well wishes for a Benjabi. You have been such an inspiration to me, I only wish well for you.
Best of luck to you...I think it will happen soon.
You are such a positive person, so those good vibes will carry you through a successful pregnancy in no time :)
BC - good grief, girl! you get ALL kinds on your blog. :0
i am more than thankful that all of my readers (or the ones who comment, anyway) all appear to be fully functioning and SANE members of the blogging community. props to you for continuing to keep a blog despite the freaky stalkers and haters.
if i were you, i'd take their power away by simply refusing to post their comments. if they don't get the attention (from you and all of us who either step in to defend you or post a comment in response to something they've written) they'll go away. basic pyschology would suggest that this person or persons thrive on negative attention. quelling their "voice" i.e., their written comments on this blog, would be like taking away their "fix" and eventually they'll get frustrated/tired/bored whatever, and move on.
with that said, i respect that this is YOUR blog and as such, you are the ultimate decision maker. i would just ask that you please consider. :)) this stalker person is seriously polluting the good mojo of this blog.
Best of luck- I'm thinking about you! I read that women are more likely to miscarry their first pregnancy than any other and almost all of them have no trouble conceiving again and carrying the baby to term. My mom miscarried her first and was pregnant with me a few months later.
Enjoy the conception process ;), think positive thoughts, and I can't wait to hear your story continue.
Tiff: thanks for the advice. My haters, unfortunately, leave me comments regardless of whether I publish them.
Everyone -- thank you so much for your support. I heart my blogging community.
Haters/Trolls: Enjoy being green. Obviously you don't have to read my blog. YOU choose to. You can't get enough of it. Pathetic. Perhaps a psychiatrist can help you?
...bc...even though i don't know what you're going through my thoughts are with you...may you have that benjabi soon!!...also, more of my $0.02 re the troll - don't post any of their posts...yes, they'll contine leaving you comments anyway, but for how long?...a few more months, half a year?...eventually they'll tire out or if not, at least they won't be given the satisfaction of having their comments printed which is what they really want...
-ash
Don't be surprised if you end up pregnant this month because you ARE NOT ttcing!!!
awww, I love this post. Don't worry, your baby will be there soon. I was the last of my friends to get pregnant too, so I know how it feels when everyone else around you is talking maternity clothes and bassinets and you are still wondering why it's taking you so long.
I know you've heard this a million times but it'll happen when you least expect it and stop thinking about it. Good luck!
We lost a baby last summer and conceived three months later. I was never terribly worried about conception on an intellectual level because I come from fertile farming stock, but losing a baby just sucks; and you still have doubts. As much as you want to be happy for other women with babies, you can't. At least, I couldn't. I couldn't look at pregnant women without crying, or even look at children.
In any case, I don't know where I was headed there, except to say that I understand and I'm so sorry.
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