Manifest My Desire

This pregnancy has been such a joy, in part because I connect with Chubby through meditation and Reiki.  He was adamant about us not flying to DC this past weekend for a work related conference.  He even told me that he would make sure it wasn't going to happen.  I didn't fly.  However, I was not surprised at all when my perinatologist told me yesterday that I had a low lying placenta at 29 weeks (I believe the placenta is 1.6 cm from the cervix).

http://assets.babycenter.com/ims/2010/11nov/placenta-previa.gif

My doctor isn't too concerned.  I'm supposed to call immediately if I see any bleeding.  I'm allowed to go to yoga, hike, have sex, etc.  Chubby is head down and he just has to move directly in front of the cervix before the placenta blocks it.  So Chubby is on a race with the placenta (goal is cervix).  I suspect he will win.  I went to bed doing Reiki on chubby and communicating through meditation that he must move down.  I followed up this morning.  I think my belly is dropping. I know Chubby doesn't want a C-section, so he's gonna move.

Not worried!  Going to Reiki circle on Sunday, can't even wait!!

Labels: pregnancy, reiki

Posted by Oni at March 08, 2012 | Permalink | Comments

I've always been conscious about what I've put into my body. Not that I'm saying I'm always healthy, but I'm aware. Now that I'm preggo, that means so much more to me. I constantly think -- what is tubby getting from what I'm putting in my mouth?

It looks like my calories are to remain the same for the first trimester. My in-laws are here and they'll say silly things like, "you're eating for two now." Uhm, no I'm not. I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow and tubs will be 1.25 mm long. Tubs is tiny.

I need a quick easy breakfast b/c I eat it at my office. I bring a packet of TJ's heart healthy blueberry oatmeal. Lunch is a salad made of mixed greens, shreeded carrots, sweet juicy cherry/plum tomatoes, crunchy pickled organic green beans, brown French lentils and a low fat dressing. I generally get hungry late in the afternoon and follow up with a banana or some fruit. I leave the office at 6 and I may/may not be hungry so I keep a bag of carrots in the fridge and a wholesome granola bar low in sugar in my office. Dinner is where things change up a bit. I'm tired and don't want to slave over the stove. If I cook I usually make an egg white omelet, side of black beans, maybe one corn tortilla and some veggies. Otherwise I'll order takeout which is lean protein (size of a deck of cards), non-white high fiber carb and some veggies. In Los Angeles it is remarkably easy to order healthy delicious take out from restaurants.

I know I need to add more calcium into my diet. I think it's time to add yogurt to my lunch/breakfast routine or maybe a glass of milk as a snack. Time to call Dilly about some advice. How awesome is it to have a bff that is a clinical nutritionist?

Labels: pregnancy, Tubby

Posted by Oni at April 24, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

I read Scorps1027's (scorps1027intransit[dot]blogspot[dot]com) blog from today and I feel very positive. Life is unfair. Bottom line. There ain't shit we can do about it. Recognizing this somehow makes me infinitely happier.

I can only control me. There are many women who have been diagnosed infertile by their reproductive endocrinologist (RE) for no good medical reason. Very sucky. I don't know when I'm going to get pregnant. Much about pregnancy is left up to fate. I can control my trying to get pregnant. I'm doing just that:

• Acupuncture weekly
• Chinese Herbs daily
• Basal Body Temperature daily
• Check cervical mucus daily
• Eat healthy/exercise/drink lots of water daily
• Prenatal vitamins daily
• Omega's daily
• Evening Primrose Oil (better quality cervical mucus) daily until ovulation
  
• Sex almost daily
• Meditation and being stress free daily
  

Seriously, I can't try harder. Still doing everything right this cycle won't guarantee a positive pregnancy test. I can stay positive and I can hope.

My dad being sick is unfair. But life is unfair. Bad shit happens to good people. Cancer doesn't discriminate, generally. There's days that a wave of sadness washes over me. I don't ignore it. I let the sadness envelope me and I cry. And then I remember to think all of the happiest memories I can about my dad. All I can do is visit him as much as possible and be there for my mom. I can choose to celebrate my father's life instead of mourn it. He has always been a fan of parties!

Lesson learned: I can't let one moment of my life pass me by without being exuberantly happy (or at least trying). I am married to the love of my life and have amazing family and friends. And I happen to like myself. Happiness is mine today and all the days of my life if I allow it.

Labels: dad, love, pregnancy

Posted by Oni at May 31, 2007 | Permalink | Comments

This article is sort of psycho. I am a size 0/2. But come on let's be real.... I'm not going to be a skinny minny during pregnancy. The fucking media (stupid celebrity bitches) make it seem like every pregnant woman is a stick with a bump. "Perhaps at no time and in no place in history have so many women been under so much pressure to stay thin and gorgeous while simultaneously producing a human life." There will be zero dieting during pregnancy. I don't want a malnourished child. I need to increase my calories by about 250 calories/day (calcium rich like milk/yogurt and extra fruits/veggies). I don't generally eat unhealthy so during pregnancy you can bet that everything going into my mouth will be good for my baby. I will continue to do moderate exercise (walk/swim/pre-natal yoga/pre-natal Pilates).

But this shit is psycho:

Labels: pregnancy

Posted by Oni at May 22, 2007 | Permalink | Comments

I can honestly say that I'm not was not a jealous envious person. You can be more beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, kind, loving, funny, artistic, cool or anything and I usually don't give a shizz. If you're my friend I'm happy for you.

Jealousy Envy has reared her ugly green head. Lately, I boil over with anger every time I hear about someone's pregnancy. I can't deal with it. Yeah yeah yeah -- I am happy for you. BUT I HATE YOU sort of but not in a per se evil way, if that makes any sense.

I've been so down the past few days. My period finally came on Saturday. Yup, another long ass cycle. This time my cycle was 45 days long. I suppose that's better than 50 days???? I have a lazy lazy lazy cycle. Acupuncture really isn't doing miracles for me.

I am in no mood to hear, "don't worry you'll get pregnant" or "oh honey stress won't help you" or "if you stop trying you'll get knocked up." Fuck that shit. People get pregnant everyday who do jumping jacks after sex because they don't want a baby. People get knocked up while they're taking birth control or using condoms. I obviously have lots (tons) of sex. I have so much gism inside of me, it's drips out of me all day long. I need a pantyliner to soak up the spermies. You would think I'd be knocked up by now. [Insert bitter laugh]

Fuck yoga and mediation. I am optimistic almost daily. I can have one day where I am in a foul mood about this whole pregnancy bullshit.

Today started off just lovely. I went to my OBGYN to get blood drawn. The needle slipped out of my vein so the phlebotomist had to search for the vein on my left arm which is hard as hell to find [translation: wiggle need in left arm to cause much pain]. I needed to get my hormones checked because my OBGYN wants me to go on Clomid. I'll probably start next cycle with the fertility drug. Clomid basically shortens my cycle to 28 days and ensures that my body releases an egg. The only drawback is that Clomid increases the chance of multiple births, especially twins.

So here's the game plan for this cycle:

1. Take basal body temperature every morning at 6 am.
2. Pee on ovulation sticks to find out if I even ovulate this cycle.
3. The days I am ovulating, lube myself up with pre-seed lubricant.
   
4. Have sex every fucking day (sleep deprived or not). I will drive to my husband's work and eff him in his office if need be -- I am not joking. [goes into effect immediately]
   
5. Meditate daily and start being positive [goes into effect tomorrow -- I need a day off from being a cheerleader.]
   

Labels: fertility, pregnancy

Posted by Oni at May 21, 2007 | Permalink | Comments

My friend Smurf is pregnant. She's 32 years old and 11 weeks along. I met up with her and other festival folk for a weekend project. As soon as she told me she was 11 weeks pregnant, I felt like someone kicked me really hard in the stomach. Of course I'm happy for her, but her pregnancy made me feel empty inside. I struggled to fight back tears. I couldn't really speak. I don't think I realized how much I wanted to be pregnant until that moment.

The three of us gals chatted. I think I needed to hear them tell me over and over that I am 27 years old and I can get pregnant. Smurf told me that she was anxious and stressed out because it just is stressful when you want a baby so badly. She told me she was hella depressed in January. Her cycles are irregular and long like mine. The only thing that helped her was focusing on all the blessings in her life and staying positive.

So this is the post I'm going to come back to each and every time I am down or feel sad. Logic must supersede emotion. Here are some of the reasons why I should be grateful:

• I can get pregnant. I started trying to conceive in the end of October and had a positive pregnancy test on November 30th. I miscarried in mid-December. My cycle has just gotten normal. We've only been trying for one cycle. Technically, I shouldn't start trying until now, to allow my body to heal according to the OBGYN.
  
• I get to enjoy this cycle because there is no TTC until my wisdom teeth are pulled. I get to drink wine and have my coffee. I get to have carefree goalless sex.
• My husband loves and respects me. I am married to my best-friend. I found him at 24 years of age. God just gave him to me and I am so blessed.
• My husband has the kind of career that will allow me to stay at home with my children and have a wonderful life with zero stresses about money/finances.
• My family is amazing, both by blood and marriage.
• My friends are my family (loving, inspirational, loyal).
  
• I have no regrets about my professional and personal life. I have obtained the kind of job that I always wanted, I get to help people daily, and that allows me to walk away from it.
• My body is ready for pregnancy. I am at my ideal weight.
• My mind and heart are ready for pregnancy.
  

Benjabi, mommy is waiting for you, whenever you're ready little one.

Labels: gratitude, Positive Affirmations, pregnancy

Posted by Oni at April 14, 2007 | Permalink | Comments

It has been exactly one month since I was at the OBGYN and received confirmation via vaginal ultra-sound that my baby died. Thanks to loved ones and all of your support I have been able to bear this pain. There are days where my heart is heavy and sadness comes over me that I can’t shake. Those are they days that I just want to curl up in my bed under a thick blanket.

Mourning a miscarriage is a private affair. I feel like I lost a baby, a baby that I deeply wanted. This baby was more than a mass of cells to me. I would have been at the end of my first trimester. I hope this gets easier.

Labels: baby, miscarriage, pregnancy

Posted by Oni at January 18, 2007 | Permalink | Comments