I can honestly say that I'm I've been so down the past few days. My period finally came on Saturday. Yup, another long ass cycle. This time my cycle was 45 days long. I suppose that's better than 50 days???? I have a lazy lazy lazy cycle. Acupuncture really isn't doing miracles for me.
I am in no mood to hear, "don't worry you'll get pregnant" or "oh honey stress won't help you" or "if you stop trying you'll get knocked up." Fuck that shit. People get pregnant everyday who do jumping jacks after sex because they don't want a baby. People get knocked up while they're taking birth control or using condoms. I obviously have lots (tons) of sex. I have so much gism inside of me, it's drips out of me all day long. I need a pantyliner to soak up the spermies. You would think I'd be knocked up by now. [Insert bitter laugh]
Fuck yoga and mediation. I am optimistic almost daily. I can have one day where I am in a foul mood about this whole pregnancy bullshit.
Today started off just lovely. I went to my OBGYN to get blood drawn. The needle slipped out of my vein so the phlebotomist had to search for the vein on my left arm which is hard as hell to find [translation: wiggle need in left arm to cause much pain]. I needed to get my hormones checked because my OBGYN wants me to go on Clomid. I'll probably start next cycle with the fertility drug. Clomid basically shortens my cycle to 28 days and ensures that my body releases an egg. The only drawback is that Clomid increases the chance of multiple births, especially twins.
So here's the game plan for this cycle:
- Take basal body temperature every morning at 6 am.
- Pee on ovulation sticks to find out if I even ovulate this cycle.
- The days I am ovulating, lube myself up with pre-seed lubricant.
- Have sex every fucking day (sleep deprived or not). I will drive to my husband's work and eff him in his office if need be -- I am not joking. [goes into effect immediately]
- Meditate daily and start being positive [goes into effect tomorrow -- I need a day off from being a cheerleader.]
6 comments:
You know when you're looking desperately for a purse that you think you placed somewhere in your drunked state but you can't find it at the moment you need it? And then it turns out that when you're spring cleaning it's right there on your dresser but you didn't see it. Okay, I realize that this is a horrible analogy but maybe if you take your mind off it, it'll just happen. If it can happen for fifty year old women, it can surely happen to you. :)
In my book, you're envious - not jealous. I define jealousy as "I want what you have, and you don't deserve it/shouldn't have it" and envy as "I want what you have, although you deserve it." Maybe I'm just nicening up jealousy!
And I totally think you get to be cranky-pants -- I think women WAY too often are asked to be sweetness and light, when that's not really what they're feeling.
Esha: I am so tired of looking for my purse. I'm ready to buy a new one.
Maisnon: Nice distinction. I'm totally with you. I may be a cranky pants all week long.
I agree with maisnon, I think you're envious, not jealous. It's hard not to be envious when those around you are having something happen that you want to happen so badly. And, I agree you dont 'have to be sweetness and light and a 'good sport' about it always. You're allowed to complain and grrr about it, in necessary moderation, of course. I think getting out these feelings, helps you move on and embrace the positivity you need. Things unfold as they should, have faith and hold firm to that belief!
We're on the same wavelength, I wrote my jealousy/envy post before even seeing this :)
I think the ovulation kits will help and I know several people that have gone on Clomid and had wonderful- and quick- results (and no multiples).
So keep on trying and just remember that it's normal to take several months- even when you're young and healthy!
And venting is what blogs are for! When we were trying to conceive, I'd hear stories about some girl who accidentally got knocked up in high school or something and I'd be so jealous of her- which is completely ridiculous- but true.
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