Manifest My Desire

Having children terrifies me. Right now life is pretty freaking awesome. I get to jet set around the world. If my husband is on a business trip, I can book a ticket and join him with no worries. If a friend invites me to an impromptu happy hour, I just need some lip gloss and I'm ready to go. More importantly, I can be completely and totally self-absorbed.

I absolutely adore my life in Los Angeles.

Kick ass husband -- Check
Kick ass friends -- Check
Kick ass social life -- Check

I can party like a rock star -- as evidenced from this pic last week at a party in the Hollywood Hills where I had a bit too much fun.

Labels: fertility, kids

Posted by Oni at April 10, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

The reason to be married before you try to have a baby is b/c your body can do disgusting things.

I'm in this 2ww (two week waiting period). I'm hella gassy. Like painful gassy. It's not any sign of pregnancy. I generally get gassy before my period but I think all of the meds/HCG trigger shot have made me exponentially gassier. SUCKS BIG TIME. I look like a big fat pig.

Hubby: Let's make love
Me: My belly hurts.
Hubby: Oh no baby.
Me: I have gas.
Hubby: How can I help?
Me: Rub my belly

The belly rubbing forced the gas down and out. I'm a smelly smelly ham. But he's stuck with me!

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at March 04, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

I accompanied hubby to make a deposit at 8:30 am. The receptionist had to check with the doctor before she let me accompany him into the porn room. She looked embarrassed as she said, "no saliva or body fluids besides the semen." So playing with the penis with my mouth was slightly out of the questions. No worries, I am creative. I took off my trench coat and surprised hubby with uber sexy lingere. My breasts looked awesome and full. It took no time to produce a sample. Who needs nasty porn when there's a real girl wiggling and writhing? I was super turned on.

[We seriously lucked out. It took sheer will power to not have sex last night. We were supposed to abstain for 24 hours. At one point of fooling around, hubby said, "come on, fuck it.. let's make love." I came so close to saying "fuck it" too."]

I arrived at the doctor's at 10:30. I had to lie down on the bed with the stirrups. I had time to listen to music and get in my zen-mode. I visualized my father in heaven with my child in his arms. I visualized the baby being sent down in a beam of light, kinda like Star Trek, to my womb. I felt my father's love and focused that love to my baby.

Dr. S came in and high fived me. I made him laugh with my turkey basting inappropriate jokes. I truly believe I'm his most entertaining and quirky patient. Hubby is such a damn over achiever. Dr. S gave his sperm 2 gold stars. The man produced 40 million high quality sperm. Dr. S inserted a catheter into my cervix. Luckily there was ZERO pain. Afterwards I just rested in the doctor's office listening to Bob Marley (upbeat and peaceful... only fear is that my kid will be a raging pot head!). Dr. S told me that one of his patients comes to the office always stoned out of her mind. Hmmm.. I'm getting ideas (j/k).

Now I'm home from work chillaxing. I'm not letting any negativity affect me.

My motto: Trust & Surrender.

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at February 27, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

Dr. S is very cool. He high-fived me today. 2 eggs were developing as of last week. The ultrasound today revealed one nice juicy plump follicle holding my eggy. The other egg or follicle didn't continue maturing or is shrivelled up or something. That's fine by me -- the idea of twins is great but I don't want to carry more than one baby

Tonight I have to inject myself with an HCG trigger shot at precisely 11:30 pm. Anna, my coordinator, showed me how -- grab the fat below my belly button and insert the needle all the way in. She told me that it maybe difficult for me b/c I have such a lean belly (they know how to make a girl feel good at this clinic!).

Wednesday is Turkey Basting Day.

I'm anxious.... anxious that the procedure will work!!! Am I ready to be a mom?

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at February 25, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

Fertility treatments generally make people gain weight. Hormones do crazy shit to your body. And a lot of people get stressed out and eat more. I'm the opposite. The hormones don't make me extra hungry at all. When I feel stress, the last thing I want to do is eat. On top of that, b/c I'm trying to get preggo I've eating really healthy foods (more so than the usual healthful foods that I eat).

My size zero Lucky's were falling off of me last night. I had to keep pulling them up. Hubby came home and looked at me and said, "uhm this is not cool.... you need to gain weight."

I don't *feel* stressed out. I've been going out with friends and chillaxing and just having fun. BUT my neck/shoulder area is aching and it's where I carry my stress. I am subconsciously stressed about this cycle. Yesterday in the doctor's office I felt like crying, that's stress dudes. So I'm deluding myself if I think that my body isn't holding onto stress/worries/fears. Thank goodness for acupuncture, it really helps (I have an appointment tonight). I need to meditate and work passed this stress.

I'm putting this down on my blog to remind myself to be mindful of my weight. Being underweight does NOT help fertility issues at all.

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at February 22, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

Last night my acupuncturist told me I had deficient Yin and told me to eat beef or goat. I don't remember the last time I had red meat. I'm not a technically a vegetarian but I rarely ever eat meat. For you my future baby, I had a beef rib last night. At first I was grossed out. But I tasted the delicious BBQ flavor in my mouth and it was all good.

Hubby is a darling. He has gotten close to no sleep this week. He stumbled into bed at 5 am. He woke up at 7 to get ready for our doctor's appointment. He wanted to be with me for my ultrasound. I told him to get his ass back in bed.

Dr. S was 35 minutes late. I heard the receptionist calling him. He looked like he rolled out of bed and made a mad dash to the office. I've got 2 eggs. I have to go in on Monday for another ultrasound, get a trigger shot and probably inseminate on Wednesday. Dr. S told me to have sex every other day starting tomorrow. I freaked out.

Me: Uhm, are you telling me that I can't have sex everyday.
Dr. S: [looking at me like you hornball] You can have as much intercourse as you like... just no less than every other day.
Me: Oh thank gawd. Trust me -- we will!

I kept good on my promise. I went home b/c I had forgotten my lunch. Hubby looked hooooottt. I drooled. He could tell I was ready to play. He had a conference call but we put the phone on mute and played. I was mad late for work this morning. It was worth it!

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at February 21, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at February 12, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

I bought plants. The first living things that I am nurturing in my house (husband not included). The picture above is not a weed plant, it's a false aralia and STUNNING. I purchased a moisture meter. I don't want to over or under water my assortment of plants. The moisture meter was $7.99 and I love it. It tells me how much moisture surrounds the root. I'm really getting into this plant thing. I wake up and open my windows. I let the SoCal sunshine in. I check the soil in each plant. I water as needed. This gives me hope that I won't let my future child starve.

Tomorrow I start my morning with a wand up my vagina for an ultrasound. I start my hormone therapy. In 30 days or so I'll find out if this IUI cycle is a success. Hopefully the plants will still be alive and I'll have a bun in the oven. Let's not get ahead of ourselves in the hope department.....I'm just hoping I don't kill my plants.

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at February 11, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

Some tips I found that women utilize before IUI or IVF:

• Detoxify liver: drink tons of water daily
• Eat healthy and avoid caffeine, alcohol, processed junk, ect.
• Warm the abdoment: heating pad daily and eat warming foods like ginger. Ginger tea everyday!
• Moderate excercise.. nothing too strenuous.
• Visualize the pregnancy
• Fresh pineapple juice or fruit after IUI
• Drink milk daily (damn that'll be hard)
• Take DHA (important for fetal brain development) and multi-vitamin

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at February 08, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

Hubby is too cute. He was ecstatic to find out the elementary school near our house is 1/2 mile away and fantastic in scores and testing and such. Le Sigh. He wants children so badly. He is eternally optimistic. He knows in his heart we will get pregnant. It's almost heartbreakingly sweet.

My period started today. I'm starting IUI this cycle. I think I start my hormones on Monday. Well that gives me 2 days to indulge in key lime martinis and general debauchery.

Bring on the fertility treatments!

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at February 08, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

I have a cold uterus or cold stagnation. My co-worker told me I had a cold hole. I lost it and started laughing hysterically. I told her that I have a hot puss-puss. Anyhow, more on this topic later when I see my acupuncturist next week.

Dr. S called and told me all is normal and even though my glucose/insulin are normal that I have a low level insulin resistance which is causing the ovulation problem.

I sent an email to my bro-in-law, the smartest doctor I know, for his opinion:

Hey Dr. Sahib-

I need your expert medical advice. So as you know hubby and I have tried for a little over a year after the miscarriage to get preggo. Surprise! I'm not pregnant.

My OBYN and a reproductive endocrinologist ran several tests. All of my tests were normal:

• HSG
• Glucose/insulin fast test
• STD/HIV
• Thyroid
• FSH
• Androgen
• Ovaries -- no cysts
• 17 hydroxy progesterone
• Semen analysis
• Beta HCG
• Progesterone
• TSH
• Prolactin
  

And some other tests that I can't remember. [Side note: I started getting the list above by speaking to a nurse at the Fertility Center. The nurse started telling me the tests I had done and then I heard the doctor in the background say, "she's had all those tests done." The nurse then quickly got off the phone with me. It was kinda weird. The doctor didn't sound pissed but slightly irritated. I could be reading WAY too much into it.] But I have almost all of my medical records at home in the filing cabinet.

Anyhow, Dr. S stated that he does not believe I ovulate every cycle. He did a transvaginal ultrasound about a week before I got my period and determined that I didn't ovulate this past cycle and I wouldn't ovulate this past cycle. He believes I have a low level insulin resistance that is causing me not to ovulate regularly. I asked him how he came to his conclusion. He said his conclusion was based on 3 things: 1) diabetes in the family 2) long cycles 3) trying for a year to get preggo. He thinks I have a 2-3% change of getting pregnant on my own. He thinks I should go forward with IUI next cycle with a drug regiment to induce ovulation. Uhm, all of that sounds very scary.

So my question is -- is this doctor on crack b/c what he's saying sounds pretty whack.

So please let me know what you think when you have time. I know you must be uber busy. Come visit soon!!! We missed you over Christmas.

~Bengali Chick

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at January 11, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

Dr. S called yesterday and left me a message. So far all test results are normal. So why am I not ovulating? I'm waiting for him to call me today so that I can ask him what the fug is going on.

I think my diagnosis is going to be unexplained infertility. This blogger describes it well:

In the world of infertility, "unexplained" means medical science, as advanced as it is, cannot determine what is preventing us from conceiving. The medical profession's way of dealing with this little dilemma is to experiment.

So am I going to be a science experiment? Let's wait for Dr. S.

I know that I should just stay positive and hope for the best. But I'm fearful that I will end up like this girl. I mean 1 1/2 years ago I thought I'd get pregnant quickly. I was told miscarriages are common and figured I'd get pregnant soon after my miscarriage. But an entire year came and went without a pregnancy. Now I've seen a heavy duty doctor, a fertility specialist, but he can find nothing wrong with me. I don't want to have failed IUI's and then move onto IVF's that also fail. I want the roller coaster to stop. I don't want my hope to be shattered.

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at January 11, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

My reproductive endocrinologist (Dr. S) told me that this test would not hurt. He said it would feel like period cramps. I was slightly nervous. But whatev, I've had my period since age 12, I can deal with period cramps.

I was told to change into a flimsy hospital nightgown. I walked into the procedure room with hospital gown and rocking fuzzy suede slouchy boots. I lay on the cold metal table waiting for Dr. S. He came into the room and asked me to come closer to him with my legs spread. I felt uncomfortable. My OBGYN is a woman. Dr. S is a youngish man. I wished my husband were in the procedure room holding my hand. He performed a hysterosalpingogram. He inserted a catheter into my uterus. A dye was released. Immediately I had the worst cramps of my life. I can't even call them cramps. I felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly. As soon as the procedure was over I lay in the fetal position. I could hardly walk. A nurse had to help stand me up. Dr. S started talking to me about freezing eggs or some crazy shit. I was about to pass out. I hadn't eaten anything in 15 hours -- I had blood drawn that required fasting.

I foolishly got into my car and my hands were shaking. I was in no condition to drive. All I wanted to do was lie down in my bed. I was crying in the car because the pain was so incredibly intense. For the first time in my life I threw up from pain. My vomit was pure bile. Luckily I was able to pull over at a gas station as I puked my brains out. I was on the verge of calling 911. I just didn't think I was going to be able to make it home. I came close several times to fainting, it's such a weird head drain feeling. I unfortunately came home and found a good amount of blood on my panties and on my brand new Lucky jeans. Fuck!!!

Literally the worst pain of my life. I still have cramps but they're better. During the height of the pain I called my husband and said, "I can't do this. Fuck this fertility shit. I'm done." But now I feel much better. I have forgotten the horrible uterus pain. I'm back on board with plan fertility.

Dr. S is calling me tomorrow to discuss our fertility options.

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at January 07, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

Too all my friends and family, I always knew there was something wrong. I knew. I know my body. All of the stupid advice, "you should just not worry, it takes time, are you feeling stressed..." -- now I can say STFU. I decided to give myself a full year of "trying to conceive" before going to a fertility clinic and meeting with a reproductive endocrinologist. Hubby and I had a joint appointment yesterday.

I went to one of the leading fertility clinics in Los Angeles. The place was da bomb. The doctor's office was baller-esque and the waiting room looked like it was out of MTV's Cribs. Insane. I *helped* hubby with his semen analysis:) My doctor is the medical director of this insane fertility clinic. The doctor did a trans-vaginal ultrasound -- I haven't ovulated this cycle and will not be ovulating. He looked over my medical records and told me that my previous pregnancy was doomed b/c of the low as hell progesterone levels. My uterus is tiny, unusually so. My uterus is flipped. I have a procedure scheduled for Monday to check out my tubes. My doc believes that I have a 2-3% chance of conceiving naturally.

Good news:

• The doc knows I can get pregnant with some medical help. He said it'll be easier b/c of my age and if I were in my early 30's we'd have to be more aggressive. Jeez, early 30's is literally 1.5 years away!
• Hubby's health insurance covers basically everything. Yes, even many rounds of IVF for a $15 co-pay.

What's next? Hubby is leaving it all up to me. He says, "it's your body, I support you." I don't have all the information to yet make an informed choice about what's next. I think the next step is medical intervention and a test tube tubby. We shall see.

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at January 04, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

Picture above, yeah, that went inside of my vagina. Transvaginal ultrasould is NOT a good time.

Tests. Tests. Tests. All normal. The problem remains -- I don't ovulate very often. I'm on Clomid folks. Today is Day 1 of the Clomid (CD**5) I'll report back when the hormones turn me into a raving lunatic.

**CD = Cycle Day. Day period begins is CD 1.

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at June 27, 2007 | Permalink | Comments

So says my OBGYN. So says my 2nd opinion -- the Reproductive Endocrinologist.

Still, I have that little glimmer of hope that my body is ovulating. That hope is quickly fading...

Dear Dr. Morse,

Uhm HELLO -- I have a 42- day REGULAR cycle. Just b/c my cycle is long does not mean I do not ovulate. ALL of my test results came back normal. I conceived once before on my first try! This is my 2nd cycle of trying to conceive. I will conceive. Thank you very much.

Shove it.

Labels: baby, fertility

Posted by Oni at June 15, 2007 | Permalink | Comments

According to baby-making sex, unfortunately, missionary style is the best position to conceive. The problem is I cum from being on top. I need to be on top so that I control the friction of the dickens inside by gyrating my hips. Sure I've cum from missionary or doggie style, but me on top is guaranteed mind-blowing orgasm. The sacrifices I make for tubby.

Yesterday was a shit-fest of a day. I needed a release. When hubby came home I climbed on top of him. I needed to O from a dickens! Luckily I came at the same time hubby came. Generally hubby is great at holding off on ejaculating, but I've become a sperm-nazi. He's not allowed to masturbate. He no longer gets head. All baby batter must be inside of me. Trust me, if I could pregnant by giving head, I'd have TMJ by now.

So I slowly slid off hubby squeezing my vagina as tightly as I could (to not lose spermies). I elevated my hips and then passed out. As soon as I got out of bed this morning, all of the cum ran down my legs. When we have morning sex in the missionary position, I lay down for 30 minutes to let the spermies get to the desired location and I hop out of bed. I barely lose any spermies. Not like the gush this freaking morning -- sperm flood.

What the fuck? Aren't the orgasms supposed to contract my vaginal walls and suck up the sperm? This kid isn't even born yet and s/he's already ruining my sex life!

Labels: fertility, hubby, sex

Posted by Oni at May 30, 2007 | Permalink | Comments

I can honestly say that I'm not was not a jealous envious person. You can be more beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, kind, loving, funny, artistic, cool or anything and I usually don't give a shizz. If you're my friend I'm happy for you.

Jealousy Envy has reared her ugly green head. Lately, I boil over with anger every time I hear about someone's pregnancy. I can't deal with it. Yeah yeah yeah -- I am happy for you. BUT I HATE YOU sort of but not in a per se evil way, if that makes any sense.

I've been so down the past few days. My period finally came on Saturday. Yup, another long ass cycle. This time my cycle was 45 days long. I suppose that's better than 50 days???? I have a lazy lazy lazy cycle. Acupuncture really isn't doing miracles for me.

I am in no mood to hear, "don't worry you'll get pregnant" or "oh honey stress won't help you" or "if you stop trying you'll get knocked up." Fuck that shit. People get pregnant everyday who do jumping jacks after sex because they don't want a baby. People get knocked up while they're taking birth control or using condoms. I obviously have lots (tons) of sex. I have so much gism inside of me, it's drips out of me all day long. I need a pantyliner to soak up the spermies. You would think I'd be knocked up by now. [Insert bitter laugh]

Fuck yoga and mediation. I am optimistic almost daily. I can have one day where I am in a foul mood about this whole pregnancy bullshit.

Today started off just lovely. I went to my OBGYN to get blood drawn. The needle slipped out of my vein so the phlebotomist had to search for the vein on my left arm which is hard as hell to find [translation: wiggle need in left arm to cause much pain]. I needed to get my hormones checked because my OBGYN wants me to go on Clomid. I'll probably start next cycle with the fertility drug. Clomid basically shortens my cycle to 28 days and ensures that my body releases an egg. The only drawback is that Clomid increases the chance of multiple births, especially twins.

So here's the game plan for this cycle:

1. Take basal body temperature every morning at 6 am.
2. Pee on ovulation sticks to find out if I even ovulate this cycle.
3. The days I am ovulating, lube myself up with pre-seed lubricant.
   
4. Have sex every fucking day (sleep deprived or not). I will drive to my husband's work and eff him in his office if need be -- I am not joking. [goes into effect immediately]
   
5. Meditate daily and start being positive [goes into effect tomorrow -- I need a day off from being a cheerleader.]
   

Labels: fertility, pregnancy

Posted by Oni at May 21, 2007 | Permalink | Comments

My OBGYN congratulated me on trying to conceive at 27 because a woman's fertility starts to decline by her mid to late 20's. Biology doesn't play fair. Most of my girlfriend did things the smart way, in my humble opinion:

• graduate from college
  
• enter graduate school or go abroad (something I wish I did) or do something interesting
  
• focus on their careers
• become financially independent
• take the time to grow, discover themselves
• find a boy, dump boy because he's a loser (repeat several times) not settle for loser boy
  
• maybe find suitable boy to settle down with and have children

Children were not even part of my equation until I found hubby and got married. I never thought about my fertility. I was more focused on finding a job that I actually liked. I believe I did things the right way, because now I feel emotionally and financially ready to have children. Luckily age isn't an issue for me, because I met hubby directly out of law school at age 24 (complete and pure luck). I think that's rare when living in a major city.

Should my chic, savvy, smart, and cultured girlfriends be penalized by biology for taking the time to be emotionally/financially ready for children and waiting for suitable partner to come along instead of procreating with Mr. Wrong or Mr. I Settled For? My one friend, S, is being penalized b/c she got married at 35 (finding super hot job and super amazing partner can take time) and has tried for 4 years to get pregnant to no avail. The doctors tell her that IVF is her only option. I'm happy to say she opted for adoption, of course she's on a 2 year waiting list. Biologically, we should all have gotten knocked up when we were 17, all we would have to do is look at a penis to get impregnated.

Lesson learned: teenage pregnancy is a good thing**

**I'm being cheeky, but I didn't have to tell you that.

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at March 31, 2007 | Permalink | Comments

On the plane, I read national bestseller, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, by Toni Weschler. I definitely remember being confused by the “discharge” that came out of my yoni for a good many years after puberty. My best friend and I hypothesized that the discharge was how our respective yonis cleaned themselves, by spitting up phlegm like substance. We were wrong. Dead wrong.

Cervical fluid is the medium though which sperm travel in order to reach the egg. So here are the stages the yoni goes through (try it yourself by inserting two fingers into your yoni):
1. Period is over. Yoni is dry, no fluid coming out.
2. Sticky fluid, kinda like rubber cement.
3. Creamy like lotion.
4. Eggwhite, seriously looks like egg whites. No joke. Stretchy suckers at this point, it stretches 1 to 10 inches!! This is baby-making time or avoid unprotected sex like the plague.
5. Yoni stays dry for the rest of the cycle. I, like many other women, notice a very wet yoni a day or two before my period. My panties soak up egg white looking substance. This is not cervical fluid. This is the endometrium breaking down and flowing out of the yoni.

So in summary, sticky slippery yoni juices are uber important in baby making. This is important stuff; nothing that is dirty or needs to be cleaned with douche. Ms. Weschler states in her book,

..I would suggest you never use the “d-word” to describe your healthy cervical fluid. After all, we don’t refer to men’s healthy semen as discharge.

Cervical Fluid = Magical Yoni Potion

Labels: fertility

Posted by Oni at March 19, 2007 | Permalink | Comments