Manifest My Desire

I’ve been thinking about having a baby for quite some time now. Hubby and I have overanalyzed the issue to death. While I feel financially and emotionally ready for a child, the idea still terrified me. Many nights during love making hubby would pose the questions, “protection or not?” – fear would strike my heart and I of course would scream, “YES protection.”

Lately things have been changing. My desire to become a mother has been growing and came to a head last night. Last night the question of using protection came up and I just knew the answer to that question was a definitive no. I was ready and willing to accept all the changes that come with having a child. I felt at ease with that decision, serenity overcame me as we made love. This morning I woke up ecstatic at the prospect that I maybe a mother soon. I was soo ecstatic that I woke up at 4 AM and tried to wake up my husband to share my enthusiasm. When I left the apartment this morning my husband kissed me goodbye and said, “Bye honey, I love you. Bye baby, I love you.” We’re just ready. It feels so good.

Of course I’ve been preparing for this moment to occur – the moment where I’d finally be ready. I’ve been taking my vitamins (getting my 400mg of Folate), eating well, reducing caffeine to 1 cup of green tea a day.. hell I even scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN for a pre-pregnancy consultation. Today I’m going to head off to Target to pick up some more calcium supplements. Yes, I a planner and creating a child is the most important decision of my life.

It’s surreal how I am at complete peace with this decision, euphoric really. All the concerns I had about balancing work and family and social life have all faded away. I am willing to take all necessary steps to create a person who is good hearted free thinker who is willing to make change in this world. I embrace the opportunity to be a mother. I have the peace of mind to know that all the worries I had about being a mom will work themselves out.

So we’re not technically “trying” to have a baby. We’re just prepared to have one. We will continue to make love unprotected and take pregnancy tests every month and let nature run its course.

2 very crazy experiences happened to me today regarding becoming a mother:
(1) I had lunch with a friend today and this what my fortune cookie said: Something special is coming your way.
(2) After lunch went to go see the Dalai Lama which of course was mind-blowing. He said something that resonated with me: (pardon me while I try to paraphrase his Holiness) Compassion is something my mother taught me. It has stayed with me my entire life, even now at my old age. It is not something I learned from my guru or my lama, my mother was my guru.

I am just so completely happy.

Posted by Oni on Wednesday, September 13, 2006 at September 13, 2006 | Permalink