Manifest My Desire

I need a place where I can vent, scream and be crazy. I created another blog. It's not a happy one. But I'm not in a happy place.

Read at your own peril: http://infertilecow.wordpress.com/

Posted by Oni at June 04, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

All I can say is THANK EVERYTHING in this Universe that hubby took the day off from work. I couldn't sleep before my procedure. I was up at 5 am. Nervous. Shaking. I was 11 weeks pregnant yesterday. My heart ached.

Dr. S only has authority with Hollywood Pres and not Cedars Sinasi. Uhm, Hollywood Pres is severely ghettofied.

I was taken into a room and an IV was placed in my arm. Dr. S was there. He could tell I was in complete and total freak out mode. I got wheeled into the operating room. It was ugly and beyond cold. The anaesthesia was put in my IV. A gas mask was put in my place. My face started stinging as the anaesthesia started to work. I though chemicals were being thrown on my face. I woke up immediately after the procedure was done. My vagina was sore and felt heavy. I was hysterical. I demanded to be let out of the hospital. I signed a waiver so I didn't have to stay a minute later. I just couldn't be in there. I thought I was losing my mind.

I was also very pissed. Dr. S couldn't wait for me to wake up and ask him questions. I had to call him and he said he would do the miscarriage work up and run tests on me and hubby to see if there are any reasons why we can't hold onto a baby. But he also had to add, "most likely we won't find anything." I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEING TOLD THAT. I don't know why I need fertility meds to ovulate.. I am fucking 28 years old and in perfect health. I don't know why I can't keep any of my 3 pregnancies and once again I am 28 years and in perfect health. As soon as we got in the car I made a followup appointment with a different reproductive endocrinologist for a second opinion.

I cried all day yesterday. I took Prozac, Valium and Percocets and nothing helped ease my pain. I couldn't even pee b/c it burned so much. I can't have sex for 2 weeks and I really want to be intimate and feel close to my husband in that way.

I'm hope from work today. I feel like I'm falling apart. Time for my prozac.

Labels: d and c

Posted by Oni at June 03, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

Where do I start. My appointment was for 8 am. I didn't see my shrink until almost 9:30 and at that point the entire lobby was filled with people. Before I could even start talking about my infertility issues she went on a tirade. She told me she hadn't slept the night before b/c she had to paint her house to meet appraiser deadlines. She was in a mad rush to sell her house b/c she got divorced 2 days ago. She told me about how men suck and how her husband was a tool after her first miscarriage. She went on to tell me about her 4 year battle of infertility and "Clomid is a baby drug and when you start using the big guns you will be a total and complete mess." Wow, I have lots of fun to look forward too.



CRAZY COINCIDENCE: She went to my fertility clinic. She said it was considered the best in Los Angeles. She then told me she had an anxiety attack whenever she drove past my clinic b/c it gave her bad memories. In a nutshell, I know way more about my shrink's personal life than she does about mine.



But I like her. I was able to open up to her. She's more fucked up than I am and that makes me feel more sane.



She's also prescription writing happy. I got a month's supply of prozac and 30 pills of Valium. I asked Dr. S (my fertility specialist) on Saturday morning if I could take Valium before the D&C today. Dr. S asked how many I had. I told him about my shrink's prescription and his response was, "Jesus Christ -- 30 pills???"

Labels: shrink

Posted by Oni at June 02, 2008 | Permalink | Comments