Let’s take a look back to October 2005, shall we? I still don’t know where my relationship with God currently stands. Admittedly, I am a bad Catholic and rarely go to Mass (I routinely miss the High Holidays – gasp).
After the miscarriage I was livid with anger towards God. I prayed everyday of my pregnancy that my baby would be healthy. I thought babies were God’s domain b/c we simply understand little of the mysteries of pregnancy and why miscarriages truly happen, and the rhetoric the doctor gives, “must have been a chromosomal abnormality” isn’t a sufficient explanation. I thought for sure God heard my prayers. Why not? I hadn’t simply gotten knocked up. This baby was planned and deeply wanted. Hubby and I waited 2+ years to get preggers so that we would be emotionally and financially sound as well as provide us a couple of years of just couple time. Yes, I thought if anyone deserves bringing a baby into this world it’s me and hubby.
I realized that God was not listening to my prayers on Saturday night when the bleeding turned heavy, the cramping started and a large clot passed through me. I shook my fist toward the Heavens and yelled to Him, “Why couldn’t you just have given me this? Why did I get pregnant just to miscarry? This isn’t fair. Plenty of people in this world curse at their bellies hoping for a miscarriage and yet they carry their baby to full term. Why did you not listen to my prayers?” God gave me no answers and I told Him to fuck off.
Then there are all of you. Your support and love through comments, emails and silent prayers/meditations have cocooned me in a healing light. I know the simple reason that I am able to start the healing process regarding my baby’s loss is because of you. I can feel this positive energy surround me. While my faith is far from being fully restored, your positive energy has brought me closer to the Higher Power I call God.
To all of you: thank you for your love and support.
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10 comments:
I love you and I'm always here for you - for whatever you need!
I love you to! I'm so happy we're friends.
From what I've seen and heard through friends, it seems like most women experience a miscarriage at some point. It doesn't mean that God won't give you your baby -- just that it will take some heartache before you get there.
Good luck as you continue through your healing process.
Hey there, I'm here for you, too!
First know that people whom you have never met care for you and are praying for your recovery, emotionally and spiritually.
As a physician I have often dealt with trying to explain to patients and their families why bad things happen to good people. I have yet to come up with a satidfactory explanation other than to tell people that it's not their fault, that they did everything they could, and that I'm sorry.
There is some dark humor in the medical world that the patient's survival is often inversely related to their worth to society and the words "he's a very nice man" in a patient history are often followed by a terminal diagnosis. Yet chronic alcoholics and IV drug users (GOMERS) will survive the most dire illnesses, often ungrateful for their care, only to return to their social indiscretions.
The Book of Job provides some comfort, but often the "Things just happend for a reason" or "God has a plan" does not suffice. I have come to the conclusion that perhaps this is true, but in any event things simply happen that are beyond our control and beyond our capacity for understanding.
We search and look for answers and explanations to comfort us, but in the end we are only left with words, the cold reality of the situation, and hopefully the warmth of friends and loved ones.
We are not necessarily automatically rewarded for good deeds or punished for bad ones.
Please know that there is nothing you did to deserve this. Have faith and stay strong. God is love, love one another.
I'm yet one of those "many" women who've been where you are. Wanted to tell you that the other day but...that's not what you needed at the time. Any advice from me will seem cliche. Just giving you more hugs.
first, *hugs*
i can only imagine your distress and anger hon.
on monday morning, i woke up to really bad, bright red blood. it was a scare. i rushed to the hospital only to be told that i have placenta previa, and that it is a potential pregnancy complication and i have to be really, really careful. no exercise, putting my legs up as often as possible and all that.
it was quite a scare, bc. i can't describe to you what i felt the two days that followed, crying my eyes out, at the thought of losing this precious bundle, that i'd been carrying, loving for almost 6 months now. i do believe in destiny though, so i'm trying to hold the thought, that if something bad happens, it's because there was some good in it for me, or the baby. still praying harder than hard that everything goes well.
i don't know why i'm telling you this, except that your post really touched me, made me cry even. hang in there, babe. *hugs*
All: Thank you for the love and support. Seriously -- I don't think I would be here without it.
Mona: I am praying/meditating for you and your baby -- so that nothing happens to your precious bundle.
I am so sorry for your loss. On Saturday December 23 I too suffered a miscarriage. I read your blog by searching on google the day my spotting started. I was right there almost 11 weeks pregnant and BOOM it happened. Hubby and I have tried for 5+ years to conceive and this was our first pregnancy. I am having the most difficult time getting past it. I grew so attached to my baby! I am sure you can relate. Don't give up trying though take some time and get right back on the wagon :)
I wish you all the best!
I am so sorry for your loss. On Saturday December 23 I too suffered a miscarriage. I read your blog by searching on google the day my spotting started. I was right there almost 11 weeks pregnant and BOOM it happened. Hubby and I have tried for 5+ years to conceive and this was our first pregnancy. I am having the most difficult time getting past it. I grew so attached to my baby! I am sure you can relate. Don't give up trying though take some time and get right back on the wagon :)
I wish you all the best!
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