Thursday, May 15, 2008

Feeling Defeated

Well, I'm finally not hysterically crying. The tears still come but luckily not as frequently. I'm looking for a shrink. I'm depressed and I think professional help is necessary.

The scoop is that this is my 3rd abnormal pregnancy. Tubby is not developing at all. I've done many u/s to confirm. I had a D&C (I get knocked out with anaesthesia and they scrape up my uterus and sucks out dead baby with a vacuum) scheduled for Friday. Dr. S is flying to Lebanon for his bro's wedding and is gone for the next 10 days and had to cancel my d&c. I don't want another doctor doing the procedure.

Tubs should fall out naturally but hasn't yet.... fucking infuriating. My doctor has given me the green light to drink and such as this is confirmed and diagnosed to be an abnormal pregnancy that my body will abort.

If I don't miscarry naturally by the time he returns he wants me to do a d&c b/c the gestational sac will continue to grow and he doesn't want to take any risks of me hemorrhaging.

Dr. S wants to do more testing to see why my body is so fucked up and I can't carry to term. He agrees, this is anything but normal or random bad luck.

My heart is heavy. I don't have any words to describe what I'm feeling. I simply feel defeated.

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