ZONKERS, refound my blog (THIS blog) from 2005

Wow, it's cringe worthy in all of its honest glory.  I am in the middle of re-reading almost 500 posts.  It's awesome to relive most of my mid and late 20s and also incredibly embarrassing.  So much ego, vanity, immaturity, etc.  I was most definitely a bitch.  There are also the positives -- clearly all I did was have sex and gushed about my husband -- but of course in a completely over-sharing kind of way.  I would definitely slap the shit out of my former self and simultaneously give her a high 5 for not giving a shit.

I thought about deleting this blog forever.  But I couldn't do it.  Blogger also reminded me that I have created many blogs since my original blogging day.  I linked one of those blogs to this one because it seemed to be an appropriate continuance of my journey and the reason I started this blog.

But you guys, I did manifest my desires.  It's as if everything I dreamed of having and wanting is finally mine -- mostly peace and acceptance for this journey.  I am still married to the fabulous hubby (the sex still happens on just about the daily after almost 14 years of marriage) and we now have 4 beautiful children (after one round of IVF resulting in twins, I am now the kind of chick that will get pregnant from a sneeze).  I left my federal gig and am a full time homemaker.  My days are filled with children, yoga, bicycling, delicious food and lots of whining, crying, child led drama and exhaustion.  Hubby still works insane hours.  I have finally given myself permission to hire help so I can be the best mother possible.   Life is good.

Re-reading this blog has reminded me to always seek authenticity from myself.  It also reminded me to fucking put some makeup on and do my hair and not look so utterly nasty on the daily.

I have another blog these days -- mostly recipes for food and skincare -- but I miss this blog.  I miss this online diary connecting me to folks that became ride or die friends.  I might be back, but it's terrifying to be that open.  I got a facade of maturity to keep up!  Perhaps it's time to really surrender.

A blogger friend once wrote:

This is a blog. My personal accounting of life. My opinions. And an attempt to be an authentic record of where I am in the moment, rather than a prettied-up picture of the self I think I should present.

Perhaps it's time to really surrender.