I absolutely forgot that I'm a creator.  I didn't even really see myself that way (even though I bang out 3 meals a day everyday, bake bread, etc.) -- it seemed like mom stuff and not creative at all.  I was doing the ho-hum of daily life.

Things have shifted a lot recently.  I've taken my mediation practice very seriously (which really means pausing joyfully, looking forward to it rather than treating mediation as another chore) -- the result of workshops with my teacher and our community energy.  Basically, the more you Pause, the more you get divine messages.  I guess we are always receiving divine messages, but now I can actually feel and receive them (Spirit makes you work for it, I gotta Pause and tune in everyday because this energy is whispy and elusive; totally unlike muscle memory).

Messages started to pour in on the daily.  

"Every moment is sacred." I get to make lunch.  I get to mother 4 kids.  I get to go to the grocery store.  Subtle and powerful, just a mind a shift. One of our reiki precepts is "work diligently" -- that really means, "look, you're gonna have to do this thing right now that you don't wanna do, so find a way to get your groove on, make it as fun as you can, no attachment to the outcome). 

I got a text message from Amy (one of my besties and moms from our beloved preschool in Hollywood).  I could feel the weight of the text.  This was a direct message from God and I knew it.  I didn't open her text message.  I didn't want to read it.  I was so annoyed with her. "That fucking bitch, she had to text me."  But I wasn't really mad, I knew that I was being asked to do something and reacted like a petulant child.  

I decided to be obedient.  I started up this blog and oh my goodness -- I love writing so much.  I know that chat GPT is all the rage, so wonderful and helpful, but it's different when you are just writing straight from inside of you.  I found an old YouTube channel that I had created and started adding some no cut shorts from daily living and creating!!! It's fun to play!!!!! I am totally a creator (we all are, we just forget).  If you are reading this blog, I'm here to remind you friend, 

"You’ve consumed enough. God wants you to start creating..." 

Posted by Oni at February 24, 2025 | Permalink | Comments

 

Yes, I did.  Full circle.  I'm back in the Bay, 20 years later.  I am no longer in my 20s. It feels wild to be back here.  I asked chatgpt to help change the theme back to original in 2005. Boom! (coding nonsense used to be the worse part of blogging)

I'm starting like I never left off -- with my old friend manifestmydesires blog. I've been thinking about this blog lately, where I started, where I am and where I am going.  I used to be so full of fear about my future and whether it would work out in my 20's and even in my 30s. It was such a waste. My life became more magical than I could have ever dreamed of -- "you will want for nothing in this life" (I was told by a stranger, spiritual man, in 2008). I still didn't believe.  I squandered some years in lack mentality.  I grew up on the wrong sides of the tracks in my formative years, solidifying inherited beliefs about lack and fear (epigenetic of ancestors surviving famines and genocide). I continued on my spiritual path and became more dedicated and sincere -- what a gift that we can plug into the Force anytime to recharge and power up + bubble up (we are all worthy and welcome to plug in no matter what!). 

The stranger correctly forecast the future. I want for nothing.  I'm sitting here at noon on my beautiful front porch typing on my laptop, listening the birds chirp, while surrounded by lush green hills and trees. I have a little bit of time before I have to pick the kids up from school.  It feels dreamy.  I am so incredibly grateful.  

A strong message came to me yesterday after breakfast with my delightful sister-in-law.  A friend and neighbor needed help, she was bowled over in pain from kidney stones, and needed someone to pick up her meds.  I was happy to help (it's what makes my tiny little local community in the Easy Bay so wonderful -- folks say YES and show up for each other).  We headed to the pharmacy but kept getting lost, we entered the wrong address into gps.  It dawned on me that if you go through life with a broken compass, you are going to wander forever lost and aimless, never actually getting to your destination.  All you really had to do was use the right compass (tune in) and get to your beautiful destination.  

The tuning in is the hard part.  I had the wrong compass for a long time. The compass was pointing to security and not joy, I thought they were mutually exclusive.  On a spectrum of love and fear, I was always on the fear side.  But there has always been something there tugging me.... just tugging me.  It's ethereal and whispy, ever so elusive, yet present.  I got really lucky.  I found my spiritual teacher from a party in Santa Monica. I fell off the path after the miracle of my 3rd child.  We are not hardwired for joy. Self-sabatoge is so easy, coupled with spitefulness and lack of gratitude.  I got really lucky, heard the calling, and got back on my spiritual path after my 4th child.  

So much of my life has been sheer good luck.  I'm lucky.  I always thought I was lucky (I suppose that's lucky!!).  Lucky to know to key that the key to manifesting my desires was my spiritual teacher (reiki and so much more!) and  tuning in by pausing everyday in mediation (joyfully).  That's the key.  A spiritual teacher can come in many forms (yoga teacher, priest, minister, your highest self, the guru within). The path will unfold itself by tuning in and connecting to the Force (God, Spirit, whatever you want to call it). 

I used to get so upset by the frustrations of children doing naughty things, mothering 4 children born total 6 years apart.  Now I can dodge the bullets of teenage angst, tween hormones and little kid mania -- kinda like how Neo dodges bullets in the Matrix.  If a bullet gets through, I'm able to pivot and adjust without all of the mental gymnastics of delay and distraction. 

In this year of the snake, I am choosing to transform too the next level.  I don't know what that is or what that means honestly.  Right now, I'm mothering 4 kids, volunteering as a community mediator, and having a lot of fun with my husband, kids, family and friends. I never really took my meditation practice seriously until recently.  Connecting with the Force is whispy, it makes you work for it, that means pausing every single day.  My practice has been building -- building my joy bubble to have loving awareness every moment. No more searching or perfecting.  Instead I will play curiously and have fun. Reset. Reboot. Run.

Posted by Oni at February 22, 2025 | Permalink | Comments

Wow, it's cringe worthy in all of its honest glory.  I am in the middle of re-reading almost 500 posts.  It's awesome to relive most of my mid and late 20s and also incredibly embarrassing.  So much ego, vanity, immaturity, etc.  I was most definitely a bitch.  There are also the positives -- clearly all I did was have sex and gushed about my husband -- but of course in a completely over-sharing kind of way.  I would definitely slap the shit out of my former self and simultaneously give her a high 5 for not giving a shit.

I thought about deleting this blog forever.  But I couldn't do it.  Blogger also reminded me that I have created many blogs since my original blogging day.  I linked one of those blogs to this one because it seemed to be an appropriate continuance of my journey and the reason I started this blog.

But you guys, I did manifest my desires.  It's as if everything I dreamed of having and wanting is finally mine -- mostly peace and acceptance for this journey.  I am still married to the fabulous hubby (the sex still happens on just about the daily after almost 14 years of marriage) and we now have 4 beautiful children (after one round of IVF resulting in twins, I am now the kind of chick that will get pregnant from a sneeze).  I left my federal gig and am a full time homemaker.  My days are filled with children, yoga, bicycling, delicious food and lots of whining, crying, child led drama and exhaustion.  Hubby still works insane hours.  I have finally given myself permission to hire help so I can be the best mother possible.   Life is good.

Re-reading this blog has reminded me to always seek authenticity from myself.  It also reminded me to fucking put some makeup on and do my hair and not look so utterly nasty on the daily.

I have another blog these days -- mostly recipes for food and skincare -- but I miss this blog.  I miss this online diary connecting me to folks that became ride or die friends.  I might be back, but it's terrifying to be that open.  I got a facade of maturity to keep up!  Perhaps it's time to really surrender.

A blogger friend once wrote:


Perhaps it's time to really surrender. 

Posted by Oni at March 07, 2018 | Permalink | Comments

Eczema blows.  You get mad itchy -- so crazy itchy that it's quite easy to scratch off your skin -- then the skin heals and gets dry -- and then itchy again -- your skin starts to look NASTY.  I had eczema as a kid in Connecticut and it went into remission when I moved to California.  But then we did a stint in DC and the eczema came right back and followed me back to LA.

The eczema on my hands has been terrible (deep cuts in my fingers).  Some eczema above my upper lip and around my neck.  I saw many dermatologists and they told me the same thing -- sorry, no  solution for you, but here's some steroids for your skin, just be careful because it can eat away your skin.  *le sigh* But recently the eczema got crazy and I could see it on my arm and I freaked!  The eczema was spreading!

How?  Why?  I do yoga 3-4 times a week.  I meditate. I eat pretty healthy.  Tell me it ain't so...

Chinese Medicine

Guided by intuition I googled Chinese medicine and eczema and found a Chinese doctor in DTLA.  He put me on a 2 week treatment plan where I received once a week acupuncture treatments and a herbal tincture/tea to drink 3 times a day.  The herbal medicine was my primary treatment.  He told me that I had a fire in my stomach (inflammation) and that's the reason my stomach didn't convert food to energy as efficiently or elimination toxins.  In other words, my body sucked at providing itself proper nutrients and getting rid of junk/toxins.  The medicine immediately made me stop itching.  MIRACLE.  But this miracle came with a price -- drinking ass water 3 times a day (I shit you not, ass water).  It was the most heinous thing I have ever drank in my life.  I hated it.  I pinched my nose and shot gunned it down. GROSS is an understatement.








I was also told to avoid the following foods during the treatment:

• soda, coffee chocolate;
• fried & spicy food (too many stimulants):
• seafood (especially shellfish);
• dairy (milk, cheese, butter, etc.) & eggs;
• nuts & seeds;
• alcoholic drinks; and
• tropical fruit (kiwi, mango, pineapple, coconut, etc.)

I was told to eat more cooling foods:

• watermelon; and
• veggies (carrot, cucumber, lettuce, tomato, cabbage).

Lastly, I was supposed to avoid chemicals (i.e., chlorinated pools), newly constructed areas, dusty stuff, bug bites, and direct sunlight.  

2 weeks later -- My eczema was almost gone.  My hands were just about healed.  I wasn't as dry anymore.  My skin wasn't as dry!!The doctor wanted me to drink 2 more weeks of herbal medicine which is both pricy and nasty so I declined.  I felt as if the fire in my belly was under control and I could figure it out on my own. 


Leaky Gut

Okay, if my body wasn't absorbing nutrients properly, maybe I didn't have the right bacteria in my gut.  The bacteria (so many diverse species) break down food in our gut.  I started taking daily probiotics (my belly immediately felt better).  I also started taking 1 tablespoon of flaxseed oil in my daily green smoothie.


Clean Eating

Maybe it's a blessing or maybe it's a curse, but my body is really sensitive when I don't take care of it (i.e., get stressed which leads to immediate itching) or don't eat good clean food.  So I have no other choice than being healthy all the time.  Yoga & clean eating help keep the itching down to the point where it's almost all gone!


Elimination Diet

I'm basically staying on the Chinese doctor's diet (but I eat spicy food now).  I got itchy 2 hours after eating a hard boiled egg.  I woke up with wet outbreaks on my hands after eating wheat for dinner.  I dry brushed my skin.  Slathered on lavender oil and meditated (wet wraps, i.e., wet paper towels, work very well for crazy itching).  The itchy went away and I didn't break my skin with scratching.  I'm a vegeterian and it sucks losing both eggs and wheat.  I'll try these foods again in a month and see if I can beat the allergic reaction.  Corn seems to be undecided.  I'm pretty sure that dairy doesn't jive with my body but I will definitely do a test.


Final Thoughts

Eczema does not control me.  I can actually break the cycle of wet blisters, itching, scabs and dry skin.  I've been able to break the cycle for a month now.  My  hands look great and I can actually get a manicure without getting scared looks from the manicurist!  The eczema is not gone, but it no longer seriously impacts my life.  I only get itchy after I eat trigger foods (still continuing the elimination diet) or get stressed out.  I'm going to 100% beat this and I am just about there.

My stress has been greatly reduced by leaving my job 6 months ago to stay at home with my 3 young kids. I go to yoga 4 times a week and practice daily meditation with reiki.  Thank you eczema for teaching me to be more mindful every moment about my mind, spirit and body.

Labels: chinese medicine, eczema, leaky gut

Posted by Oni at September 16, 2013 | Permalink | Comments

When I don't menu plan, I spend a crazy amount of money at the grocery store.  Plus weeks like this where I missed going to the farmers market, I just don't feel very inspired.  So I'm in a pinch.  I'd love to give the kids a hunk of bread, some cheese and a bag of veggies but I think they'd revolt.  So instead, I checked out my trusty pinterest board and I have my menu plan down.

Monday:  rainbow chard pancakes + oven roasted green beans
I have rainbow chard leftover from last week.
Tip:  Soak black beans before going to bed to prep for tomorrow's meal.

Tuesday:  simple black beans + rice with a side of eggs (maybe wrapped up in a sprouted tortilla)
I have dried black beans and brown rice from Whole Foods in my pantry.  I have 2 dozen eggs in the fridge and mild salsa.
Tip:  Oven roast tomatoes in the evening to prep for tomorrow's meal.

Wednesday:  ricotta pizza
I'll probably buy lavash bread or pita (whatever is organic) and use as the dough for my pizza.

Thursday:  skillet sausage + polenta bake
I'll substitute the sausage with TJ's meatless meatballs.
Tip:  Make greek salad the night before so the flavors are all soaked up.

Friday:  greek salad + tofu sandwich
I'll double the dressing the greek salad recipe in order to have some pasta salad on hand for the weekend.  We usually go out to eat on the weekends or I empty out my fridge/freezer to macgyver up some food.

If this isn't enough food, I'll simply make another run to my local TJs or WFs.  I try not to stress out about my menu plan.  And if I really am in a pinch, I'll pick up food somewhere in Hollywood to supplement.

Labels: menu plan, recipes

Posted by Oni at August 12, 2013 | Permalink | Comments

Ingredients:

1 teaspoon cumin seeds
Directions:

First, slightly  brown one block of bite size sprouted tofu in a bit of coconut oil.  You can always use paneer but I like the sprouted tofu.  Set the crispy tofu aside.


Then make the gravy or curry base.  In a large skillet, add a wee bit of coconut oil & add cumin seeds.  Let the seeds sizzle for 30 seconds or so.  Then add onions and cook until the onions are soft and brown (if the onions start sticking -- add water).  Then add garlic/ginger paste  and stir for a minute followed by the finely chopped pepper.  Next add the tomatoes until they cook.  Finally, dump the rest of the spices until everything gets fragrant.

Dump frozen spinach into the skillet.  Once the spinach has cooked slowly add plain yogurt for creaminess.   Add quite a bit of salt to lift & brighten the flavor.  Once the "saag" tastes right, add the tofu.

Serve with either brown rice or quinoa.  I personally think the brown rice works better with this dish.  This dish is loaded with veggies.  My soon to be four year olds and 1 year old love it!

Labels: recipe, tofu saag

Posted by Oni at July 08, 2013 | Permalink | Comments

My husband was tripping hard for having to write a check to the IRS for our quarterly taxes.  Yeah, it stinks and we definitely should have taxes/federal budget geared at things like socialized childcare/healthcare, paid university, etc. and not for paying for war and the likes of other nonsense.  I feel him.  But I thought he was tripping hard.  We are all healthy and our lives are full of love.  It's just a check and we can afford to write it.

I've learned that I can't change my husband or anyone else, all I can do is live my life in a way that will inspire him (them).  I try, I fail, but I keep trying to live my life as my highest self.

Saturday mornings are for us.  We put the kids in front of  Sesame Street after breakfast and took an hour to indulge in our us-ness.  But he was still tripping hard. So I asked him, "Do you think you were married to me in other lives?  Because I think I have been married to you in each and every one of them.  At the end of our journey, one of us exclaimed, 'earth was our playground and we worried way too much -- wanna do that again?'"  My husband smiled.

We get so wrapped up in goals and future events that we often miss out on the beauty of today.  I am the master of this moment and how I absorb my surroundings.  I can not control the future as hard as I try.  Life is filled with uncertainty; however, the demise of my physical body is certain.  So either I dance with life no matter what she throws at me, or I allow myself to marinate in negative feelings.  I have a clear vision of how it will be when I meet up with my husband at the other side of the after-life tunnel -- I will say to him, "Damn, baby!  That was a blast.  Do you wanna do it again or chill for some time?"

Labels: cheeseman moments

Posted by Oni at June 15, 2013 | Permalink | Comments