Manifest My Desire

First, I'm seeing a shrink. Yup, a psychiatrist on Saturday morning at 8 am. I knew I needed some help when I found myself in bed all day while in NYC. I just couldn't get out of bed. Bursting into tears at the gym is not cool. I need some therapy/drugs to get me through this rough patch. I'm a big girl and I know when I need help.

Thankfully my shrink appointment is before my D&C which has been scheduled for Monday at noon. I'm freaking out. I'll get anaesthesia via IV.

I'm trying to be positive -- but it's just hard. I don't feel like me:(

Posted by Oni at May 30, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

This chick was complaining to me on how the gays were adopting all of the black babies in Los Angeles. She apparently has issue with the "gays." I wanted to punch her in the fucking face.

I don't give a shit who adopts a baby/kid from DCFS in Los Angeles as long as they're good parents. Fucking whore.

Oh and this is the same chick who said to me (unsolicited advice of course) -- I don't believe in having children through technology or IVF it's not God's way. I shot back with, "Well if that's how you feel you should stop taking your meds for your diabetes/high blood pressure from being obese. It's not natural or God's plan."

Posted by Oni at May 29, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

Labels: miscarriage, nyc

Posted by Oni at May 23, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

Well, I'm finally not hysterically crying. The tears still come but luckily not as frequently. I'm looking for a shrink. I'm depressed and I think professional help is necessary.

The scoop is that this is my 3rd abnormal pregnancy. Tubby is not developing at all. I've done many u/s to confirm. I had a D&C (I get knocked out with anaesthesia and they scrape up my uterus and sucks out dead baby with a vacuum) scheduled for Friday. Dr. S is flying to Lebanon for his bro's wedding and is gone for the next 10 days and had to cancel my d&c. I don't want another doctor doing the procedure.

Tubs should fall out naturally but hasn't yet.... fucking infuriating. My doctor has given me the green light to drink and such as this is confirmed and diagnosed to be an abnormal pregnancy that my body will abort.

If I don't miscarry naturally by the time he returns he wants me to do a d&c b/c the gestational sac will continue to grow and he doesn't want to take any risks of me hemorrhaging.

Dr. S wants to do more testing to see why my body is so fucked up and I can't carry to term. He agrees, this is anything but normal or random bad luck.

My heart is heavy. I don't have any words to describe what I'm feeling. I simply feel defeated.

Posted by Oni at May 15, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

I'll miscarry soon. Probably have a D&C scheduled next Monday. I think I'm done blogging.

Don't call/text/email/IM me to discuss this. Much appreciated.

Posted by Oni at May 12, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

I felt scared this morning, even after the ultrasound. But a conversation with one of my fo' real homies cheered me up.

From gmail chat today & words of wisdom from the Roonie-meister:

Roonie: If there's a growing baby bean in there, s/he needs your positive energy

me: i know dude.. i feel so guilty about that. i think i'll try to talk to tubby...maybe that'll help

Roonie: Don't feel guilty. Talk to Tubby about how you feel. It's you two in this together

me: okay.. i'm telling tubs... out loud.

Roonie: Don't keep it your heart, tell Tubs
Be positive.
It's gotta happen sometime, you know?
Why not now?

me: you're absolutely right. why not now, indeed.

Posted by Oni at May 02, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

I was so tense and stiff during the ultrasound. Then the doctor said the magical words, "the gestational sac is perfectly smooth and round and I see a yolk sac." I couldn't even believe him. I was astounded. I almost didn't know how to be happy.

I took my HCG trigger shot on April 3rd and so under my calculations I am exactly 5 weeks 7 days or 6 weeks today. According to the size of the gestational sac, the doctor thinks I'm 5 weeks 5 days. And if I really am that far along then the ultrasound picked up everything it should.

I'm disappointed though.. I really wanted to see the fetal pole and a heartbeat. I don't know how to be positive about this pregnancy. I'm going to try talking to my baby and hopefully that will help.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Labels: Tubby, ultrasound

Posted by Oni at May 02, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

My doctor's office called today. Here's the thing, have a very valid reason if you want to change a patent's appointment that was confirmed almost 2 weeks ago.

I receive a telephone call at 12:15 PM

Lady: Hi, can you come in this afternoon?
Me: Uhm, isn't my appointment for tomorrow at 8:30 am?
Lady: Yeah, but can you come this afternoon?
Me: I'm at work... (I have conference calls and meetings already set up.. is she for real???)
Lady: Okay, can you come in tomorrow afternoon?
Me: Well, my husband agreed to come and he had to clear his schedule...
Lady: Oh, no worries.

WTF? Why bother calling me lady... you know how busy both of us are!!!

I'm feeling very emotional right now. Just got off the phone with hubby and he has to pull another all-fucking-nighter at the damn office. Fine, if he wants to deteriorate his health, that is his prerogative. But I can not and will not go to that office alone to hear possibly bad news and sob. I had to get my first m/c diagnosed alone and I can't do it again. I told hubby either he shows or I'm canceling my appointment

I'm so upset right now!!! And trust me when I say, I am the beacon of mother fucking understanding when it comes to his job. Seriously I don't complain a bit when birthdays or anniversaries or holidays are missed for the almighty J-O-B.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My baby is coming with me tomorrow to the ultrasound... poor thing. He'll be all bleary eyed from no sleep and totally puckered out:(

Posted by Oni at May 01, 2008 | Permalink | Comments