Manifest My Desire

A few of you (IRL buds) approached me about my cryptic career post via text messages, gmail chats and phone calls. I told you part of the story -- a tiny minuscule part of the story (maybe not even part of the story) about a certain job with the State of CA. I just hadn't actualized the rest or wasn't willing to admit what's really in my heart. The rest is going to change my life here in Los Angeles. Lots of shaking up.

I didn't even say the words until today to my husband. Hubby and I discussed it. He told me his fears and reservations. I shared mine. He was surprised by my decision. Ultimately, he supports me.

Yes, I'm scared. I'm taking a HUGE risk. But I am ready. And more importantly, I'm happy.

Labels: career

Posted by Oni at April 13, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

I've done a lot of bitching and moaning. Tons of woe is me! Perhaps, along the way I lost a bit of drive, ambition and self-confidence. It was hard to see clearly when my head was in my ass, marinating in confusion. Then the fertility issues started. I got even more off track.

I've been doing some reflecting. There was one job that I really enjoyed. It's the aspect of my current job that I not only enjoy but am good at. Maybe it'll never be my full-time job. But maybe it will be. All I can do is try. So that's what I'm doing. I did some research. Sent a few resumes. I can start by volunteering on Mondays, my day off every week.

I'm ready to shake things up.

Yes, I know this post is cryptic. In time, I'll reveal what it is that I love to do.

Labels: career

Posted by Oni at April 09, 2008 | Permalink | Comments

Well, life isn't stagnant and I feel that. That's a good thing, it means I'm alive. Anyhow, I'm hoping I can make some decisions soon. I'm being cryptic, yup not ready to spill the beans.






Me: i'm cracking up over here. oh my god. you are too much!


Me: i can have a gun and say bang! bang!


can i say bang bang and you say no?
Hubby: I'll do you to teach you a lesson!

Labels: career, hubby

Posted by Oni at September 18, 2007 | Permalink | Comments

I am sure to find stress. Once one problem goes away I fabricate another. Funny how I stopped complaining about the "career" problem once I started focusing on the "baby" problem. Well now I've reverted back to the "career" problem since I've essentially resolved the "baby" problem.

Wonderful ain't it? I compartamentalize my life into problems. So now I'm giving myself stress and heart burn over the career thing. Nothing has changed, I still have my good on paper job, but now I have started to analyze my career, career ambitions and finding meaning in a professional arena. Funny how NONE of this was an issue yesterday.

My world is a roller coaster, enjoy!

Labels: career

Posted by Oni at August 07, 2007 | Permalink | Comments

Assumptions and more assumptions. For the first 2 years of marriage I brought home the $$. Yet, it is always assumed by family that I have to go where hubby's career calls him.I feel stuck in a precarious place. He's got one of those high powered prestigious jobs. Now he makes significantly more than me. I work in the public sector and with the salary difference I am *starting* to feel that my career is more expendable (scary).It's besides the point that I am not fond of law or law school or my current related position. I don't like to feel that my career is expendable. I want a 2nd career and a fabulous one. Perhaps I haven't realized my career dreams but it doesn't mean I don't want one!

I posted the above comment on a blogger bud's (Lag Liv) blog. My comment got me thinking about why I hate the law so much and am so vehemently opposed to a career choice that I put good money and effort into. I worked at a law firm as a Summer and I hated it. I worked at the Attorney General's Office and I hated it (anti-trust law, gag me with a spoon NOW). I was a Mediator for a local Court and I loved it. My job now is quasi-legal (more legal than not) and it's okay.

I am planning on staying home with tubs and bubs until they reach school age. I think all the time about a second career. My second career fantasies never have anything to do with the law. Ever. However, a career is important to me.

Here's the thing about me -- I am a *giver upper*. When things aren't going my way, I walk away. I like the sunny and the new. I went to law school because I was confused and a professional degree seemed like a good idea at the time. Things seemed to go wrong right after graduation. The CalBar was not my friend. I hated the firm(s) I worked for. I wanted to walk away and I did. But now I'm afraid to walk back, even a step.

I dunno. I just don't. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know if I really don't like law. I don't know if I'm just chicken shit. I just know that I want a fabulous career and simultaneously be the fabulous mother and fabulous wife who is there for her family. Is it wrong to want so much fabulous-ness while being so utterly confused?

[Update]: After I get pregnant I'm taking the MPRE (again since it expired) and plan on studying for the Bar while being at home with Tubs. Do you know how good it feels to type that? I need to conquer this ghost and move on.

Labels: career, family

Posted by Oni at May 16, 2007 | Permalink | Comments