Big Ole Catch Up

http://www.idiomsbykids.com/taylor/mrtaylor/class20022003/idioms/idioms2003/idioms2/Catch%20Up.jpg

Day 19:  My elementary school years
I noticed that I owned very few books.  I was in the remedial reading classes.  My elementary school was officially in the ghetto.  I had few games, crayons, coloring books, etc.  My free time at home was spent watching shows like Green Acres.  I was confused at school, full of anxiety and uncertainty.  I didn't even have confidence when we wold line up to go to the cafeteria.  A nervous mess.

What a stark contrast to my girls -- who have a special book shelf for books and are learning at a rapid speed.  I plan on spending an entire month with them at their preschool to make sure they are acclimated and well adjusted.  If Monday-Friday PT preschool is too much for them, I will cut down the hours. But all of this is my privilege. Universe, I am grateful.

I hold no bitterness towards my parents, they did the best they could to provide for us.  It makes me realize that there is no doubt that it's easier to succeed when you are surrounded by support.  I need to give back to my community.

Day 20:  Screaming Fight with My MIL @ Age 25

I hadn't even been married for a a year.  I got into this psychotic screaming match with my MIL.  Yes, I was afraid of losing him.  But what I realized is that ultimately, she is very alone.  I was filled with compassion.

For my husband's birthday, we went up to see his folks.  Beforehand, I received an email from MIL.  It was a sweet and loving email.  I planned on writing a short but respectful response.  The universe stopped me.  Instead I wrote a loving email.  In that email I mentioned that during her recent visit her mood would vastly change and I believed she needed to seek help from a doctor or therapist.  She responded with honesty and said that she always feels so bad when she acts that way (i.e., gets mad, acts out, and then gets sad), but she can't help it.  She was on her best behavior during the birthday weekend.  We all had a wonderful time.

My husband's family has very much enabled her "bi-polar" behavior. She needs help.  I will not enable her; however, I will support her.  

Day 21 & 22:  Age 13

I started noticing food.  I was on the heavier side in my class.  I started noticing what everyone around me ate.  I was a bit obsessed with it.  Actual images of students in my class eating came flooding back.  Then I got chicken pox and lost tons of weight.  The skinny-obsession began.  I fed my insecurities through actions of control, I could control what I ate.

Day 23:  Age 32
I sent my baby in utero energy.  I sent this pregnancy energy.  I could feel my baby grow stronger.

Day 24:  Reiki to Self
I needed Reiki, I fought off a cold.

Day 24:  Age 32
I knew that my baby needed energy.  Sent energy to the pregnancy.

Day 25:  Age 24
I was impressionable and weak and made certain decisions because I was afraid of losing friends.  I had no strength to make my own decisions.  Fear was my guide. 

What has the overall effect been thus far?  The realization:  WOW, my life is a journey.  Reiki hasn't magically cured me, but it's given me the strength to heal.  Reiki has given me certainty and a connection to the divine.  I am more aware of signs from the universe.  I am more aware when I am on the wrong path.  It's so much easier to be mindful, to live in the present.

Yesterday truly doesn't matter.  I don't live in the past.  I live in the now.  Yesterday effects me today, to the level I allow it.  It's all an experience.   No judgement.  Just reflection and letting go.  My heart feels light.

Another 7-10 days of sending Reiki to my past should be sufficient before I contact my Reiki Master.  I will also be more mindful of writing in this blog daily;)