At Peace, Be

I was invited to be part of a psychic workshop, for a lack of better words.  Essentially, Salsa had seen a hypnotherapist (Doc).  One of Doc's patients through hypnotherapy was able to connect to the divine light and be a channel.  In other words, in this state of mind, she can scan someone's body, communicate with divine energy/spirit guides and tell a person about their physical, emotional and spiritual health.

Salsa, A. Daria and I decided to go.  It FUCKING rocks to have a posse that is on the same wavelength as me.  They just get it. In turn, they help me get it.  GRATEFUL.

20 or so women all huddled together in a small apartment in Santa Monica.  My scan was beautiful. Here are some highlights:

• I meditate beautifully
• I'm blessed
• I came into this world out of curiosity, I came to the workshop out of curiosity
• My chakras and aurora looked great
• I was told to keep doing what I was doing
• My babies are doing great
• I have good genes, but on a genetic level, I have hormonal imbalance (true dat, diabetes is rampant in my family)

Afterwards, I thought -- "okay, that's lovely.  but shit man, I'm supposed to do something.  i'm supposed to make a tangible difference.  i'm supposed to do good. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?"  I discussed with Salsa and A. Daria.

We all headed back to the car and 2 women were outside chatting.  I got a tangible sign from the divine.  They sparked up a conversation.  Out of the blue, the essentially told me that my I vibrated at a high level and I was contributing to making the world a better place by simply being.  They told me to send healing energy to Mother Earth, she needs it.  I will do so as soon I complete my Reiki II next year.

Simply being?  But.. but... but... what about having to suffer, hard work, etc.  Life isn't easy, right?

WRONG.

I meditated that night and asked the divine, "show me the next steps."  I heard a distinct voice, the voice of God and I was told:  Enjoy your life.  Be happy and grateful.  You are contributing by doing good, raising your children and by being.

I think I finally get it.  Be in the present. 

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Dads

Saturday nights meditation was surreal.  I had a clear sign to be on the look out for a full moon, reddish color, and lightning bolts.  I have no idea what any of this means.  But I'm on the lookout.

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Later that night I had a dream about my dad and my good friend's father (good friend:  Anakin) who recently passed away.   Anakin feels like he didn't do enough for his father to make his father's life happier.  The guilt is enormous.  In the dream both Anakin and I kept traveling back in time to change our father's respective destiny.  No matter how vast our efforts, the outcome remained the same.  Anakin's father died.  My dad lost his battle with cancer.  Then a voice came through, gentle and firm, the voice of God.

The message:  We tried to send your fathers so many signs, so many messages to change the outcome of their respective lives.  All we wanted was for them to be happy.  They ignored us, continuously for the remainder of their lives.  Child, there is nothing you could have done.  We are here to support you.  We are always here.  Let your life be one where you follow your intuition, listen to your higher self, and listen to us because all we want is for your happiness.

Getting Out of Your Own Funk

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It's so easy to dwell in the negative, sometimes I think I'm an expert.  One bad thought enters my brain, and then I indulge in it.  It can feel so good to feel bad, sad, etc.  And then its starts snowballing and becomes -- woe is me, I can never get out of this funk, oh woe, oh woe, I have the worst life every, I'm a victim...

Saturday night I enjoyed amazing music at the Hollywood Bowl with Asian Daria.  It was a reminder that I can snap myself out of "the funk" at any any given moment.  I don't need stars in the sky and Robyn's magnetic voice to do that. The power comes from within.

The discussion soon turned to my outbreak of eczema lately, I blame it on chubby.  And I keep picking and scratching -- neither of these habits do any sort of good.  I know this, but I choose to continue my pattern.  Then a eureka moment -- eczema is a physical manifestation and I can choose to keep my little fingers from scratching, itching, peeling; yet, I chose for so long not to do this and helped perpetuate my itchy flaky self.  MY GOD, if I can't stop itching, how the hell am I going to stop negative thoughts from entering my brain.  Perhaps this eczema is a blessing in disguise.

I need to transform myself from the inside, but that's hard, isn't it?  So, since my automatic reaction isn't to necessarily stop from itching or having negative thoughts, I need to literally say out loud, "KNOCK IT OFF.  THIS DOES NO GOOD.  STOP IT."  Eventually, my inner self will start getting the point. I am no victim to bad habits.

Asian Daria and I made a pact to find the time daily to meditate and text/email each other to stay accountable.  I find the time to brush my teeth, floss, put on sunblock, etc. daily.  It makes no sense to focus all of this energy on my outer body and not my inner self, my energetic being and higher consciousness 

Finding Time & Wanting Tomorrow

Where can I find time?  How can I find more time?

I'm a full-time working mom of toddler twins.  My partner has a very hectic job and is required to be a slave to his crackberry.  I'm also an intensely social person with many interests (primary interest being my spiritual journey).



Here's how my weekdays usually look:

5:55 am wake up
6:15 -7:45 am yoga
8 - 5 pm work while nanny turned friend watches kids
5-6 pm  play with kids
6-7 pm  prepare and serve dinner (for kids)
7-8:30 pm play with kids, clean up, wind children down for bed
8:30 - 9 pm sometimes the kids cry, sometimes they want water, sometimes they want "blankie", etc.
9 - 10 pm spend time with my partner
10 pm bed

This schedule doesn't even include friends, book club, pursing my interests, dates with hubby, grocery shopping, running errands, etc.  I could choose to sleep less and be sleep deprived; however, I would then definitely need caffeine in the morning.  I'd rather not drink coffee.  I'd rather just drink a cup of tea.  I'd rather honor my body and get rest instead of being fueled on artificial stimulants.

In my heart, I know my schedule is not working for me.  I'm enjoying my life as much as possible, but most of the time suck is my job.  I definitely enjoy my job.  That said, my job is my least favorite activity in my day, I'd much rather work 20 hours a week and have time to live life more.

Today, I've been in this place of "I don't know."  I don't know how to manifest 20 hours of work week.  I want it now.  I feel very much trapped in the present.  How awful is that.  I'm pining away for the hopes of tomorrow where I will have what I want.  That sort of thinking makes me feel heavy.

The process of writing has brought me clarity and peace.  I have set my intention.  I want to work fewer hours a week.  I will meditate on how to make that happen.  In the meantime, I need to have faith that everything will work out and enjoy each moment (not look forward to the future).  I am blessed to have wonderful friends, family and so many hobbies/interests -- my life is too full, I suppose that ain't so bad of a problem to have.

Note:  I understand many families have much more hectic schedules (i.e., mom and dad working different shifts to support their family).  I simply do not believe that life has to be that hectic.  I don't expect it to be that difficult.  Heaven is on earth.  I believe I am here to gain experiences and develop in this life.  Life has presented a wrinkle, it is up to me to decide how to deal with it and make changes for my highest good.

Why didn't anyone tell me???

My good friend, Asian Daria, brought me a beautiful gift on Saturday night.  Part of my gift was a pendulum (see image above).  Each of the 7 stones in the pendulum corresponds to each chakra.  As soon as I received the gift, I just knew that it always belonged to me and I've been searching for that specific pendulum.

I instinctively knew what to do with the pendulum.  I decided to fire my hands up with reiki energy and then held the pendulum between my thumb and forefinger above my palm.    The pendulum started swinging in a circular motion.  My mind was blown.  The more I concentrated, the more it swung.  I asked my partner and Asian Daria, "Is this shizz for real?"  Yes, for real.

I knew the next step for me was to consult google and run a few searches.  Through google, I learned that you can use the pendulum to ask questions to the divine intelligence.

• Yes:  Swings North to South
• No:  Swings East to West
• I haven't figured out maybe.  I think diagonal.. unsure.

I can also use the pendulum to detect blockage in someone's chakras.  The pendulum swings in  a circular motion when energy is flowing.  The pendulum either doesn't swing or swings in a non-circular manner when there is an energy blockage.  I can unblock the chakra energy by asking, "God, can you please unblock A's [insert chakra name]."  The pendulum immediately starts to move as soon as I make this request.  How frakking crazy?

This is all a bit surreal to me.  Does everyone know about this pendulum stuff?  I had no friggin' clue!!  I now have a totally different meaning for everyday magic.  Mind blown.

Grounding Children Through the Root Chakra

Image source:  http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3121/2355335638_8c0f670ee1.jpg

We exchange energy with one another everyday.  The following passage explains this concept clearly:

As we interact with each other we exchange pieces of ourselves in the form of energy, moods, opinions and behaviors. These pieces float around our space and often begin to cloud our perceptions and actions. A good example is when you interact with someone who’s in a terrible mood. In just a few minutes you could find yourself in a terrible mood as well, even though the circumstances of your day have not changed at all. This is because you are picking up someone else’s “stuff” and holding onto it. You begin to function through those elements as though they were your own. 

Another great example is a toxic relationship.  You start taking on the energy of that person.  Perhaps you start feeling insecure (like him), emotionally volatile (like him), heavy (like him), etc.   


Grounding helps you remove all of this junk.  I like this woman's explanation of how she grounds her energy:

Staying 'Grounded' is very important. There are many methods of how this is done. I personally like something that is fast and easy to do. Intention and visualizing are quick easy methods and can be done in a second at anytime, without anyone even noticing! The first thing I do is ask Gaia (Mother Earth) her permission for my grounding cord to enter the core of her being. Then I visualize a clear cord or clear rope coming from my root chakra (tail bone area) and entering Gaia. It grows in length, and continues to grow until it has been fully anchored into the core of Gaia. This grounding cord releases negative energy and also brings in positive energy. Set your intention to send all the negative energy down this cord, physically exhale, releasing it into Gaia. After the negative energy has all been released, with intention bring up the positive life-giving earth energy with a physical inhale. Thank Gaia and do not worry that this will hurt her, it doesn't! Have your kids make a monkey chain cord. It's the intention that works!

So my toddlers are very much affected by energy.  If I am calm and at peace, they generally are.  I've started the dialogue about meditation, but at 2 years old they don't exactly sit there and meditate when they have a temper tantrum.  However, as their mother, I am energetically very much connected to them (being a mom rocks!).  I plan on grounding my children every time shit starts to get cray-cray.  I will imagine an umbilical cord coming from their root chakra and anchoring itself into the earth.  I will also imagine all of the negative and unbalanced energy leaving them.


So incredibly grateful to be a mother.  A^2 are such precious gifts from the divine.

Grace Light Meditation

I did Dr. Pillai's grace light meditation yesterday with a circle of women.  WOW.  So what is grace light?

Grace Light is the incredibly radiant light of the Divine within us -- compassionate, intelligent and almighty. Grace light is not the light of the sun or any physical light. It is an explosive inner light, more brilliant and powerful than the sun, described by the saints, prophets and enlightened masters of all faiths throughout the ages. It has the incredible power to know and do everything. As Grace Light empowers us, our hearts and minds will be ignited with divine inner radiance and intelligence.

Image source:  http://thesimplestways.com/images/w_m_grace_light_dark.jpg

Grace light also diffuses old karma.  The actual meditation itself was an intense trip.  During the meditation we visualized grace light entering our charkas.  I did all of the gates (1-9).  At one point, while staring at Dr. Pillai's face as he transmitted grace light, I saw his face morph into several gurus and spiritual leaders throughout time.

More importantly, we created a very beautiful space.  A space for women to commune, discuss, share information and grow and develop together.  How incredibly beautiful.  Some of the most powerful moments of my life has been in community with wise and loving women.

I woke up today feeling much more light, mindful and at peace.  I don't feel any stress in my body.  It's easier for my mind to be still.

Mindfulness

My girls teach me mindfulness everyday, what a blessing.  Toddlers can be frustrating.  My gawd, the whining is out of control.  They get so flipping frustrated.  They act out like petulant little children.

It would be easy to spiral out of control and join them in the whine, frustration, etc.  But I am their example.  I am their teacher.  I need to be mindful to discipline from a place of calmness, never anger.  I need to keep a check on what I say and how I say it -- these girls love to mimic me.  I also need to come from a place of yes.

What do I mean?  For example, "Mommy, I want to watch super why!!!"  I could say, "No.  B/c I said so."  Is this fostering communication?   Is this fostering my children to trust me, build confidence and become more empowered?  I don't think so.  I think this answer is better, "Okay honey.  Let's first go brush your teeth and get you breakfast in order. Then you can watch one episode, okay?"

Sometimes the girls are out of control impatient.  "Mommy I want this now!!!"  Sometimes, I just can't accommodate their request.  I think a good approach is to say, "I hear you. I hear that you want this now.  Unfortunately, we have to wait.  I love you."  Often, all they want is a bit of empathy.  Don't we all???

Every kids learns and grows at a different pace.  I need to honor and cherish my children for who they are.  This takes patience and lots of mindfulness.  So thank you A^2 for making me a better mother and person each and every time you pose me with a challenge (i.e., whine).

Like, OMG, Are you for Real?

What what??  You say life is hard.  You say life is too busy to have fun.  You say you have no interests, just work.

I say, "I feel sorry for you.  Wake up.  Look around.  Start living."  Life can start now (at any age, 18 or 68).

Granted, I just returned from vacation in Hawaii.  It wasn't enough.  One week of pursuing my interests entirely -- absolutely not enough.  There is too much to explore and experience.  Life excites me.

I came home to angry work inbox.  Everything was an emergency.  I thought --  shit man, maybe no yoga this week, I gotta buckle down and work work work....  My insides were screaming --  DID YOU LEARN NOTHING WHILE VACATIONING?  You are blessed beyond blessed and yet you resort to this place of fear.  Fear of not getting it all done in the time prescribed.  Fear.  Pressure.  Unhappiness.  Fear of what???


Ridiculous.  How am I supposed to find time for life when there is so much "work"?  Not give a shit.  Literally.  Set my own boundaries and not let them get pushed.  And if the worst scenario happens and I can't continue to stay at my job, I'll find another!  My job doesn't define me.  I won't live another moment being a slave to work just because life is so hard.

Being Present

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Last night, we went grocery shopping.  The kids and S waited in the car while I quickly put away the frozen/fridge goods.  Then I started getting the heebeejeebees.
Childhood fears haunted me.  Afraid of being alone at our place.  Afraid of the monsters lurking in the shadows.

I said, "STOP!  Enough of this.  Focus on the present."  I focused first on my breathe and then the produce that had to be put away.  Soon enough, the idle fear chatter in my brain stopped.  I was at peace.

Anyone can become a jedi master=)  Can I just say, WOW -- this works!!!

Joshua Tree -- Magical

Yesterday, I went on an adventure to Joshua Tree.  Our first stop was the public sound bath at the Integratron.  The dude who built it was an engineer and a leader in the UFO movement.  After making contact he created the Ingratron (sound dome) and described it as, "The Integratron is a machine, a high-voltage electrostatic generator that would supply a broad range of frequencies to recharge the cell structure."  The drive was about 2 hours outside of Los Angeles.  It was a rainy day in the desert.  Luckily, it wasn't crowded and we were able to buy a ticket for the 30 minute public sound bath.  Basically, you just lie there and meditate.  The sound enveloped me, it's as if I was floating in a bubble of sound.  I thought I had meditated for 10 minutes and was shocked to discover that an hour passed by.  


Then we headed out for a hike and to check out Joshua trees.  The rain subsided and the sun kissed us with her warmth.  The sight was awe inspiring -- mountains, formations made out of rocks and these crazy trees (reminded me of something out of a Dr. Seuss book).  We sat on yoga mats.  I could have sat there forever meditating if it wasn't for the fire ants!

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They say Joshua Tree and and the Integratron is on an energy vortex.  I felt it.  It was easier to meditate.  It was easier to connect with God/Source.  As soon as I awoke from my meditation at the Integratron, the message was clear -- God is everywhere and we are all connected.  I also did a Reiki self-treatment session at the Integratron -- I intuitively knew that my belly and heart needed healing.  My hands buzzed in warmth. I'd awken from my medidtative state, switch hand positions and would fall right back into meditation.

Back to Monday -- I just did a reiki self-treatment session while listening to my favorite rendition of the gayatri mantra. The song is about 8 minutes long, I had to replay on youtube about 4-5 times.  The session lasted about 45 minutes.  My head is still tingly and I feel woozy.  I need water, super thirsty.  I have bouts of self-doubt, but I have to remind myself to have faith.

Gayatri Mantra

Yesterday, during Reiki class, I asked God -- "Show me how to connect with you." 10 seconds later, my teacher started talking about this one mantra she really likes. I immediately piped up and said, "which one."  I knew I should meditate to this mantra.  This morning I listend to the Gayatri mantra (I love this song, I grew up hearing this!) and did reiki on myself and meditated. I need to strengthen my meditation practice, next time, I will sing this song while I medidtate.  Ready to start my day.

First reiki session on my guinea pig

The kids were fussy and kept crying from their bedroom after we put them to bed, so it was a short session. 

My hands felt certain sensations as I moved them over his body.  I noticed a pull around his head, heart, belly and ankles.

Afterwards, he said, "I feel so relaxed now.  My ankle feels better."

Also, when I conveyed the cost of my attunment, he simply said, "Okay, as long as you're happy."  That was it.  And then he told me that he had miscalculated our joint after tax disposable income -- we have more money for enjoying life than we thought we originally had!!!   Thanks God.  

Reiki I Attunement

Today was my first experience with Reiki attunement.  I don't exactly know where to start.  Here I go....

I had expectations.  I expected my life to change.  And it has.

I met with my Reiki teacher for a Reiki I class.  A fellow student was present.  The class provided a wealth of information that resonated with me.   Attunement is best described as an old skool television with rabbit ears (i.e., antenna) that is just not receiving a signal, so the television is fuzzy.  The antenna has to be adjusted to receive the correct channel.  This is what my teacher did for me, she adjusted my channel so that I could tune in energy from God/universe/source/divine.  

My teacher led me on a guided meditation.  I was in a cave filled with brilliant crystals.  I started reaching for the top of the cave which had an opening.  The opening was a sphere of bright light.  I tried to reach the light but gray/black smoke surrounded me.  The light was to my far right.  My feet felt heavy and glued to the floor.  My hands felt hot and heavy.  I wanted to desperately reach the light but I was so afraid the darkness would cover it.  I could feel an energy on my throat.  It was hard to swallow.  I finally started to stop being afraid of black/grey smoke.  The light was now in front of me and I entered through it.  Next, I was in a bright, almost white, room.  But then the room had streaks of grey smoke.  I was in both light and dark.  Throughout my experience I would see bolts of lightning and swirls of purple energy.  After the attunement I was dizzy and thirsty.

Did it work?  I have no doubt.  I practiced reiki on the other student.  As I ran my hands about 1-2 inches above her body, I felt sensations in my hands -- heat, tingly, pulls towards energy...  My hands got very hot. I practiced again when I came home.

Reiki is less about energy healing and more about connecting with God.  It's about dancing with life.  It's about desires without expectations.  It's about being present.  It's about living each moment in joy.  It's about not getting bogged down by the shit that happens in life.  Shit will always happen, we know this.  But why dwell?  Live in bliss!!  

So have I been magically transformed?  Yes.  This doesn't mean that I still don't have a panic moment, when I'm not being fully present.  I had a panic moment at the end of my Reiki class.   I noticed that it was 5 pm, time flew by, and I had to go home and relieve my nanny.  Worry entered my mind.  The class cost $275 and I never discussed a dollar amount with my partner (we have a joint rule to discuss all single purchases over a certain dollar amount).  I thought, "Oh Shit, is he gonna be pissed?"  I felt flustered.  I had to say out loud, "No, this is easy.  There is no problem.  He is going to be so happy for me and think I got a awesome deal."

Lesson learned from this panic moment:  you got this, don't let worry enter your mind, it's easy, remember what you learned today!!! 

Major things I learned today:

1. I am afraid of my feminine energy -- uhm, duh, this is why I had fertility issues
2. I compare myself with my partner to the point of stress (i.e., well he worked 80 hours this week, I really should work at least 60)
3. I need more self-love and acceptance

There's so much more I could write, but right now it's time for me to draw.  I haven't done anything artistic with paint, pastels, watercolors in over a decade.  But I feel an overwhelming need.  I purchased a drawing book and oil pastels tonight.  

I feel alive.  My journey started not too long ago and I am excited about the upcoming adventures.  This is my life and it will be lived in light and oneness with God.  God, show me the purpose of my life.  I'm listening.

Tea with a Reiki Teacher

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I wasn't sure what to expect.  We had a conversation.  It was easy to talk to her.  I wanted to soak in all of her words and fully absorb each of them.  She is now my reiki teacher.

What exactly is reiki?  Well, my teacher put it best, it's a tool to have the spiritual life force (i.e., chi, qi, prana) on tap whenever you need it.

After "tea", I went to the grocery store and did other mundane errands.  I enjoyed every minute of the mundane, I was living in the present (no, I don't generally smile like a clown at TJ's).  Afterwards, girlfriends came over and we hit the pool with the little ones and cooked dinner together.  After everyone left, I couldn't shake off this heaviness on my heart.

My heart felt constrained.  I wanted to cry.  I was all sorts of emotional.  I didn't feel good.  But I knew what this was, and more importantly I had a solution!  Both of my bffs are going through heart woes -- break ups. They are hurting.  This heart-hurting vibe/energy rubbed off on me.  I haven't felt this way in a long time.  It's been many many years since my heart has hurt like this (so much gratitude for my life partner).  I googled a guided meditation on youtube to ground myself and cleanse myself of this negative energy.  As soon as the meditation was over, I felt light and not heavy.

I haven't even started doing reiki yet!  But already, I feel connected.

Meditation -- What the FUCK is it?

http://www.spiritualhealingportal.com/images/photo/chakra-meditation1.jpg

My problem is that I'm a perfectionist.   I've had a few amazing experiences with meditation, usually a guided meditation with inspiring gong music, where I felt joyful afterwards.  Picture it:  you get into the meditation groove, all of a sudden you are floating outside of your body (completely awake), and then you come out of the meditation and you feel joyful and at peace.

The best visual I have for this joyful mediation experience is taking a dip in a pool that is God/The Source/Divine/Cosmic Energy.  The day is so hot I could suffocate. The humidity is out of control.  I feel as if I'm in a fog.  So then I take a dip in this refreshing pool.  I come out of the pool fully rejuvenated and at peace with mental clarity.

Well, post-meditation joy seldom happened to me.  So I simply stopped meditating often.  I would put it off for a week or month(s).  Yeah, no joke. I had no discipline about it.  But no worries, I was gently reminded to stop being a lazy ass fairly recently.  I talked to a good friend, Vani, last week.  I've known Vani for a few years -- she is a yoga teacher and artist.  I was shocked to learn that she is also a student of reiki.  I told her that I am about to start my own reiki journey.  Vani said to me, "Reiki is like yoga and meditation. You must have discipline and practice."  When Vani told me this, her words popped out at me in bold and in yellow highlight.  I took her message to heart.

Granted, it's been less than a week, but I've given up expectation.  It doesn't matter what the effects of meditation will be.  I will do it everyday.  For me, 10 minutes before bed works fabulously.  I listen to gong music and focus on my breathing.  Of course a million thoughts keep popping into my head -- "Did you pick up milk at the grocery store."  I push the thought out of my head and another one pops in -- "Shit, I think my upper lip is hairy."  I push that thought out of my head.  I'm teaching myself a new skill -- still my mind!!!  I'm also waking up every morning and doing yoga.  I no longer have an expectation that I will do yoga for a prescribed time -- 60 or 90 minutes.  It would be awesome to do yoga for 90 minutes a day, but this should serve as a wonderful goal, rather than an excuse to procrastinate.  I will do yoga everyday for at least 20 minutes as soon as I wake up.  Yeah, I'm busy, but not so busy that I can't find time for 20 minutes of daily yoga and 10 minutes of daily meditation.  Commitment, it's on!

I have conviction and faith that daily meditation will make my life more joyful because it will directly help foster my relationship/connection with God (or whatever you want to call it).  Keep meditating, maybe you'll get your own conviction.  

p.s.  I realize now that the universe has given me all the tools I need from the get-go.  The universe put Vani into my life a few years ago.  I could have tapped into all of the knowledge she has on yoga/reiki/meditation, but I didn't.  I wasn't listening to the gentle nudges of the universe.  As soon as I was ready to listen, the universe started directly connecting me with people to help me on this journey (new and old friends).  The universe supports me.  In other words, "Jesus loves me for the Bible tells me so,"  is pretty right on (most religions endorses the belief that all of us are God's children and very much loved).

Circle of Women

It's always with a circle of women where I feel my greatest potential.

I had a fabulous evening full good conversation, amazing women, delish food and equally tasty wine and such.  Where else but LA will women organically sit in circle and discuss raising their vibrational energies?  It was liberating to meet people who were in sync with me, who feel the divine/universe/God in all its glory supporting them, with the conviction that life has purpose.  My heart needed that connection.

I also met lovely healers.  I've always been drawn to healing and sensitive to vibes, so meeting these wonderful women was what I was searching for.  I watched them heal.  I felt the warmth of the healing energy on my skin, it was comforting and nurturing.  I need to learn more about this.  I was able to tap into something.  I felt as if a gigantic neon sign started flashing in front of me

Reiki!

Chance Encounters

I left for Nashville feeling depleted.  I was working too much.  I wasn't spending time with myself.  I was losing my divine connection.  Of course it was still there, just not as loud and clear.  I suppose I was losing touch with me.  Nose to the grind, just plugging away.

I reached out to the universe and said, "I need wisdom and guidance.  I need you."  And it manifested.

I saw live music in Nashville.  Seeing the musicians jamming with glee filled my heart with joy.  I was captivated by their enthusiasm and love for creating incredible sounds.  The vibrations entered my heart.

Then, I boarded a plane back home.  I sat next to a young lad.  I knew we were going to talk.  It was a feeling that said -- put away your nook, connect with people.  We ended up having this amazing 4 hour convo full of sharing, connecting and communing.  My god, how beautiful is that?  I felt this energy spread to the others near us.  We were in sync, in harmony.

I was at peace.  I was reassured that the universe supports me.  I was reminded to be present in my life, that the guidance and wisdom I am seeking from the divine is all around me.  I am surrounded by it.  The divine speaks to me through the workings of daily life and living.

There is no doubt that I am on the right path.  My purpose is just manifesting itself.  I'm ready.  I'm ready to dance with life.  I'm no longer seeking, I'm listening.

Freedom through Crying

from http://drdebkern.com

My daily horoscope which is dead on the money said:

Unhappiness due to communication is on the cards. Health ailments of your children will have to be taken care today. You will have gains through your younger siblings.

I woke up frustrated.  And I didn't want to share my emotions.  I wanted to go inwards and hide.  While doing a project for work tears started streaming down my face.  I couldn't stop.  Listening to Adele didn't exactly help. 

In crying, I was able to let go.  Sit with my feelings.  The anger and frustration dissipated.  My heart was open.  As water flowed out of my body, I was able to let something else in, love.  With love now consuming me, I was able to open my heart and have a proper conversation.  No ego.  Just me at my weakest, unguarded.

Thank you. The end result was 2 people communicating, connecting and loving.

Communing in Divinity

I miss the idea of what church could be.  Imagine a place to commune together, share ideas, awaken our inner divine... A place that helps us be better.  How awesome could this be for my girls and me!

Trust, I need at least a weekly reminder to keep my ego in check.  I need community!!

Some find this connection with others and the divine at Mass or church (or with a shrink/therapist).  "Church" is generally too traditional in form and substance for my taste.  And to be totally real, many of these independent spiritul type places not connected with a major world religion creep me out.  I watched one too many lifetime movies on cults.  Just sayin'.

I need a credible suggestion for community divine connectedness.  Suggestions (in Los Angeles would be even more lovely)? 

AK: Your suggestion for Buddhism has been duly noted and I will fo' sure check out!!

Maybe I Should Just Accept My Place in Hell

My emotions got the best of me today.  While I firmly believe in my stance/principles, my words were loaded with emotion.  Ego got the best of me.

I am consumed with desire to be happy and at peace.  But shit, that is fucking much easier when you are not faced with conflict and a big steamy plate of crap-o-la.  Eating shit is stinky business.

I want to give up.  I want to be a hedonist.  I want to look forward to my place in hell.  Why can't I just be cool with future glasses of bubbly with joan rivers and bowls with snoop?

Happy 4/20



www.420lawyer.com/



I'm underwater with piles of work.  I woke up this morning at exactly 4:20 am and started my workday.  Ironic.  The universe may just be telling me to chill the fuck out.

I need time for myself.  To just be.

Don't Make Fucking Assumptions

I am the queen of "what if."  "Well let's just assume that if s/he meant this".... I love love love to assume.  You know what I do every time I assume?  I make an ass out of you and me.  

I've been lonely lately.  I've missed him, my boy.  Life has been out of balance.  Before, only he had a crazy demanding job requiring a crackberry and 100+ hours a week.  When he would come home, I'd wake up, have a cup of tea and catch up with him, marinating in us.  Now I too have a crazy-demanding job; even working 14 hours a day, my pile of work is ever growing. Plus, we have babies (twins!).   Lately, there's been no "us".  We haven't nurtured our relationship.  We haven't made time for each other.  Just terrible.  He is a precious gift to me from the divine.

Even more terrible, I assumed I was doing all of the missing.  I assumed that he wasn't thinking of me.  I assumed that he didn't essentially give a flying fuck because he was full with work (satisfied even). I was wrong.  This morning I communicated my sadness and desires.  He reciprocated.  He misses me like crazy.  I melted into him, feeling one again, connected.

Now that I've stopped being an ass, the question is what next?  How do we honor and cherish us everyday?  Not us as parents, but as just the boy and girl who fell mutually and madly for each other.  I would love to sell everything, hit the the world, his hand in mine.  That's not practical, of course.  But I don't really give a flying fuck. I'm over practical.  I'd much rather dream.

WWJS?

I was raised Roman Catholic (even confirmed dudes).  But I'm not really into the whole Catholic thing.  That said, some of my fave people are Catholics so nothing against Jesus or religion or any of that stuff.  It just doesn't really resonate with me.  But I would high five Jesus, for sure.  I think he is a cool dude, I'd peg him for a toker.

I've noticed that is' not hip or cool or even necessarily appropro to say things like "Don't ya know that God loves you.  Jesus LOVES you."  But it's all good to say, "The universe blesses you with her divine energy."  Blame it on the hipsters.  Jesus is like so 1985, universe is totally 2011.

On my death bed, I'll confess my sins and pray to JC.  But you won't find me at Mass on any given Sunday, even though I have every intention of baptizing my kids (option has value).   Maybe I should get them "baptized" in every religion -- Jews for Jesus may just be the chosen people, who knows.

All silliness aside, it's beautiful to have convictions and faith that help make you a better person.  I want in on salvation.  I want a direct connection with the Divine.

Uncertain

I'm not sure what my expectations are of this blog.  I do know that I'm ready to start return to blogging.  We returned to Los Angeles in January and my heart is full of joy to be home.