We're always wanting for something.My in-laws during a mid-Summer cleaning found many games and toys covered in dust. They realized, many years too late, that it was time to donate games like the teenage mutant ninja turtles puzzles to the Goodwill because their boys had all grown up. My MIL looked nostalgic as she told me, "it was just yesterday that they were running around the house... how quickly they grow up." I looked at my husband, his head nestling my bosom, and I realized how quickly almost 3 years of marriage has passed by. I was completely overcome with emotion.
Something inside of me changed. I want kids but I don't need them. I need my husband. This man has made an impression in my heart that makes my soul ache when he's not near. I know -- overly sappy and overly emotional. I can't help but feel this way. I am blessed beyond blessed for having my husband in my life. I never thought it was possible to love another human being so completely.
During this battle with trying to get pregnant, many times I feel as if God has abandoned me. I cry out, "woe is me, why oh why won't you give me a child?" God has given me something quite precious. I can't compare a husband to a child, I don't have to. I am simply grateful for what I have.
It's 1:35 AM and I can't sleep. Hubby flew out last minute, cutting his vacation short, for a business trip in NYC. Oh how I miss his face. I just want to kiss him one more time. Hug him. Cuddle him. Fall asleep with my head on his chest.
My heart feels like it's about to burst. And I'm happy in my sorrow.
7 comments:
oh sweetie... that was heartbreakiningly beautiful.
i hope you get everything you want... but more importantly, everything you need.
Aww. You're realization is precious!
you and your hubby are so blessed to have each other. and i think the way you are so open and fierce with your love for hubby is a beautiful and inspiring thing! i'm glad you had the epiphany you did this weekend.
i hope God does bless you with a child because you would be a wonderful mother, but i know you will survive if you dont' have one, because you have a great husband, family and support system!
May you continue to be blessed and to feel blessed!
Hey -- where u be?
Just read back a few entries ... intense. Hope you're in good spirits, generally. Just to respond to your LJ comment ... haha, dueling blogs ... thanks, the multistate was intense today. Going to try not to dwell on it, and relax for the essays tomorrow. I don't know about CT vs. NY, but the market here in CT seems to be doing a little better than it was 3 years ago. Wish I had known that back then!
So true.
A child is a blessing, but having somebody who really knows you and really loves you... honestly, I think that's even more amazing.
Ayelet Waldman http://www.ayeletwaldman.com/truly.html
is a whole lot of kooky, but i have to agree with her when she says that she loves her husband more than she could ever love her children.
I've always been crazy for kids (not so much babies) and they're nice to cuddle and unwitting li'l comics and can shock you with their insight and wisdom and naturally, i'd give my life for them... but only my husband can make me tremble in delight and happiness with just a look.
Trust me, Ani--you won't have to choose between a loving husband and lovable babies--you'll have it all. (Perhaps even as your internet friends type in their good wishes for you :) !
Post a Comment