Ode to Hubby

Hubby is my anchor. I couldn't have dreamed of having a more amazing hubby.

He's always put our relationship first. It's inspiring. It's everything he does from the spectacular to the mundane. Today he noticed that it might rain on my walk home from work and stopped by my office to drop off an umbrella with a bouquet of flowers!!! I never have to ask with him -- he just knows me so intimately.

Thank you for putting up with my crazy-ness. Thank you for believing in me . You are my life force. I know it's all possible b/c my husband never lets me give up. He accepts me as I am and pushes me towards greatness.

My utility is tied to his.

Money $$$

I have a hate love relationship with money. The one thing I do love about money is that it gives you tons of luxuries such as being able to book a ticket to NYC whenever I want to visit my best friend. Or just being to visit a friend or family member when they need me. Generally it takes the kind of stuff that I don't agree with to make tons of cash -- I don't believe in slaving away at the office or taking a job that you hate or doing something that makes your stomach churn to make tons of cash.

But saying all of this my sweet grandma is in a nursing home. It breaks my heart. She's so kind and loving. But the medical expenses in taking care of her are too much for my uncles and they put her in a home. I know I shouldn't think of the nursing home as being this evil place but I can't help it. It's sad to think she might die in there. She doesn't even speak English -- how will she be able to communicate with the nurses? Bengali isn't a common language. If they had tons of cash they could hire all the medical support they needed and she could stay at her home.

It's not death that I have a problem with. I know that we aren't immortal. It's the suffering that hurts. It's dying alone that hurts.

Miserable Excuses

I feel like I've been making up excuses my entire life in order to vindicate the choices that I've made -- well the mistakes really. I'm so tired of myself saying well I was going to do this wonderful thing but then this got in the way and it all worked out so it's okay, right? God that is such a chicken shit answer.

I am accountable for my choices. I need to keep repeating that to myself. I can either have a mediocre life or a terrific one and I control that. Right now being married, it's easy to avoid the question, "what do I want to do,"and sort of let my partner set the pace. My husband is not telling me what to do; it's easier to just not think about it. It's easier to not think about my career and instead just agonize about his. In one word pathetic - when did I lose my ambition?

I remember a time when I was so sure of myself. I really believed I was a strong, intelligent, and powerful woman (I miss that girl). When did that fade? It's like I lost all belief in myself.

Well I acknowledge where I am at this moment. I have to change. Change comes from self-realization. Well I guess I'm somewhere (even though I don't know what that exactly means).