Slurping Love

I miss my baby. He left on Sunday for NYC. I can't sleep without him. He's psycho crazy busy. I love this man more than anything in the world. No matter how busy he is, he always returns me phone calls or texts or emails. Always. I feel so incredibly blessed to have hubby. I don't know what I did to deserve him. But thank you God, fo' real.

We send each other goofy texts/emails everyday. It's fun being silly.

I emailed hubby:

You make me melt. I'll stop spamming you with emails now. I miss you baby. Love you oodles and noodles.. slurp up all the love!!!!

Hubby, while in a meeting, replied immediately:

Slurp slurp. Love you so much.

His email made me smile:)

What Can Brown Do For You?

I feel massively guilty. I bought tons of stuff for my house this weekend. I am way under budget still but spending $$$ makes me feel shaky. The crazy spending (all for shit we need and at good prices) made American Express raise an eyebrow. They thought someone had stolen my credit card and called me on my cell! I don't get a high from spending money. However, the house looks fucking mind blowing amazing beautiful. I was able to get a aqua-tealish chaise for $590 from Home Goods (deal of the freaking century)!!!

Anyhow, the UPS guy delivered my media storage towers and console today. This is how the conversation went down:

UPS: Are you Middle Eastern?
Me: I'm Bengali.
UPS: I'm suprised how perky and fun you are....being Indian and all.

[Uhm, what do you even say to that??? I just smiled and said goodbye. Apparently, brown folk just aren't fun.]

Sidenote: I'm definitely NOT perky this morning. I went to bed around 4 am. He would have thought I was certifiable if I had drank coffee or gotten 8 hours of sleep.

Cold Hole

I have a cold uterus or cold stagnation. My co-worker told me I had a cold hole. I lost it and started laughing hysterically. I told her that I have a hot puss-puss. Anyhow, more on this topic later when I see my acupuncturist next week.

Dr. S called and told me all is normal and even though my glucose/insulin are normal that I have a low level insulin resistance which is causing the ovulation problem.

I sent an email to my bro-in-law, the smartest doctor I know, for his opinion:

Hey Dr. Sahib-

I need your expert medical advice. So as you know hubby and I have tried for a little over a year after the miscarriage to get preggo. Surprise! I'm not pregnant.

My OBYN and a reproductive endocrinologist ran several tests. All of my tests were normal:

• HSG
• Glucose/insulin fast test
• STD/HIV
• Thyroid
• FSH
• Androgen
• Ovaries -- no cysts
• 17 hydroxy progesterone
• Semen analysis
• Beta HCG
• Progesterone
• TSH
• Prolactin
  

And some other tests that I can't remember. [Side note: I started getting the list above by speaking to a nurse at the Fertility Center. The nurse started telling me the tests I had done and then I heard the doctor in the background say, "she's had all those tests done." The nurse then quickly got off the phone with me. It was kinda weird. The doctor didn't sound pissed but slightly irritated. I could be reading WAY too much into it.] But I have almost all of my medical records at home in the filing cabinet.

Anyhow, Dr. S stated that he does not believe I ovulate every cycle. He did a transvaginal ultrasound about a week before I got my period and determined that I didn't ovulate this past cycle and I wouldn't ovulate this past cycle. He believes I have a low level insulin resistance that is causing me not to ovulate regularly. I asked him how he came to his conclusion. He said his conclusion was based on 3 things: 1) diabetes in the family 2) long cycles 3) trying for a year to get preggo. He thinks I have a 2-3% change of getting pregnant on my own. He thinks I should go forward with IUI next cycle with a drug regiment to induce ovulation. Uhm, all of that sounds very scary.

So my question is -- is this doctor on crack b/c what he's saying sounds pretty whack.

So please let me know what you think when you have time. I know you must be uber busy. Come visit soon!!! We missed you over Christmas.

~Bengali Chick

Unexplained Infertility???

Dr. S called yesterday and left me a message. So far all test results are normal. So why am I not ovulating? I'm waiting for him to call me today so that I can ask him what the fug is going on.

I think my diagnosis is going to be unexplained infertility. This blogger describes it well:

In the world of infertility, "unexplained" means medical science, as advanced as it is, cannot determine what is preventing us from conceiving. The medical profession's way of dealing with this little dilemma is to experiment.

So am I going to be a science experiment? Let's wait for Dr. S.

I know that I should just stay positive and hope for the best. But I'm fearful that I will end up like this girl. I mean 1 1/2 years ago I thought I'd get pregnant quickly. I was told miscarriages are common and figured I'd get pregnant soon after my miscarriage. But an entire year came and went without a pregnancy. Now I've seen a heavy duty doctor, a fertility specialist, but he can find nothing wrong with me. I don't want to have failed IUI's and then move onto IVF's that also fail. I want the roller coaster to stop. I don't want my hope to be shattered.

The Situation

Hubby loves his job. Hubby doesn't want to leave his job. He would do it for me, but I'm not asking. It is what it is. He will work these vile hours for gawd knows how long. They'll probably get better in 5 years and he'll be out of the office at 9ish (maybe). But even the higher-ups in his competitive work place work psycho ours. Anyhow, I really don't have 5-10 years to wait. I'm 28 with fertility issues, time is of the essence. I have no anger about this situation. I accept it. I willingly walked into my marriage with both eyes wide open. I have no regrets. I would marry my husband all over again (my utility is tied to his). Regarding balancing work/family -- it is what it is -- my responsibility.

So I have 2 options:

1) Say fuck it. If he can't be around to donate his sperm, he clearly can't be around to be a father. His work will always come first. Life is just me and hubby. We're happy. I'm EXTREMELY independent and have many options socially and professionally to have a fulfilled life.

2) Clearly recognize the situation and go forward with treatments. Be fulfilled and not resentful that child rearing will completely fall on me.

This post isn't to bitch about my situation. I have a wonderful husband. We live a very comfortable life. He's over-worked but happy b/c he relishes his job. Writing this post out hasn't changed my mind, it's given me clarity. I'm willing to proceed with fertility treatment to hopefully get preggo and be the primary and at times sole caregiver. Once in awhile I'll bitch in this blog. Like I said before, it is what it is.

I Am Disappointed

I don't give a shit if it's reasonable or not. I was supposed to start with IUI (inter-uterine-insemination) this month. Hubby is now going to be in NYC for work. He found out today. He leaves on Sunday and will come back who the fuck knows when. Frozen sperm is no where as good as fresh sperm. My last cylce of Clomid went to hell b/c he had to pull a fucking 3 straight all-nighters at his office. I just canceled my doctor's appointment.

I'm just disappointed. But I should have known how things operate with his career. There's talk of him going to Asia again. Great.

The Worst Pain of My Life

My reproductive endocrinologist (Dr. S) told me that this test would not hurt. He said it would feel like period cramps. I was slightly nervous. But whatev, I've had my period since age 12, I can deal with period cramps.

I was told to change into a flimsy hospital nightgown. I walked into the procedure room with hospital gown and rocking fuzzy suede slouchy boots. I lay on the cold metal table waiting for Dr. S. He came into the room and asked me to come closer to him with my legs spread. I felt uncomfortable. My OBGYN is a woman. Dr. S is a youngish man. I wished my husband were in the procedure room holding my hand. He performed a hysterosalpingogram. He inserted a catheter into my uterus. A dye was released. Immediately I had the worst cramps of my life. I can't even call them cramps. I felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly. As soon as the procedure was over I lay in the fetal position. I could hardly walk. A nurse had to help stand me up. Dr. S started talking to me about freezing eggs or some crazy shit. I was about to pass out. I hadn't eaten anything in 15 hours -- I had blood drawn that required fasting.

I foolishly got into my car and my hands were shaking. I was in no condition to drive. All I wanted to do was lie down in my bed. I was crying in the car because the pain was so incredibly intense. For the first time in my life I threw up from pain. My vomit was pure bile. Luckily I was able to pull over at a gas station as I puked my brains out. I was on the verge of calling 911. I just didn't think I was going to be able to make it home. I came close several times to fainting, it's such a weird head drain feeling. I unfortunately came home and found a good amount of blood on my panties and on my brand new Lucky jeans. Fuck!!!

Literally the worst pain of my life. I still have cramps but they're better. During the height of the pain I called my husband and said, "I can't do this. Fuck this fertility shit. I'm done." But now I feel much better. I have forgotten the horrible uterus pain. I'm back on board with plan fertility.

Dr. S is calling me tomorrow to discuss our fertility options.

Super Sperm

Hubby has super sperm. His sperm is double concentrated. He is a hard-working man, everywhere and every way.

I'm Tiny

Too all my friends and family, I always knew there was something wrong. I knew. I know my body. All of the stupid advice, "you should just not worry, it takes time, are you feeling stressed..." -- now I can say STFU. I decided to give myself a full year of "trying to conceive" before going to a fertility clinic and meeting with a reproductive endocrinologist. Hubby and I had a joint appointment yesterday.

I went to one of the leading fertility clinics in Los Angeles. The place was da bomb. The doctor's office was baller-esque and the waiting room looked like it was out of MTV's Cribs. Insane. I *helped* hubby with his semen analysis:) My doctor is the medical director of this insane fertility clinic. The doctor did a trans-vaginal ultrasound -- I haven't ovulated this cycle and will not be ovulating. He looked over my medical records and told me that my previous pregnancy was doomed b/c of the low as hell progesterone levels. My uterus is tiny, unusually so. My uterus is flipped. I have a procedure scheduled for Monday to check out my tubes. My doc believes that I have a 2-3% chance of conceiving naturally.

Good news:

• The doc knows I can get pregnant with some medical help. He said it'll be easier b/c of my age and if I were in my early 30's we'd have to be more aggressive. Jeez, early 30's is literally 1.5 years away!
• Hubby's health insurance covers basically everything. Yes, even many rounds of IVF for a $15 co-pay.

What's next? Hubby is leaving it all up to me. He says, "it's your body, I support you." I don't have all the information to yet make an informed choice about what's next. I think the next step is medical intervention and a test tube tubby. We shall see.

Resolutions 2008

1. Travel.
2. Go to church.
3. Stop being defeatist and marinating in despair. Instead be grateful and hopeful.
4. Eat healthier and not obsess about my body. Love my body.

The rest of my resolutions aren't necessarily in list form. I want to be a better person this year. A better wife, daughter, sister and friend. I want to embrace kindness. I want to be less judgmental.

2008 will be a better year. Love to you all.

The Dilemma

The holidays have been magical. Mostly because hubby's been on va-k. He has an obscene amount of va-k while I get 2 sucky weeks. I have little va-k left from my Taipei trip. Anyhow I am relishing in hubby. I get home from work and hubby's home. I get to have dinner with my husband EVERY single night. I go work out or for a hike and hubby comes with me. I go shopping for furniture and hubby's with me. I want a cup of java from Starbucks and hubby accompanies me. This is what it feels like to have a partner? I almost forgot the fun of coupledom. Life is just better with him by my side.

I love my social life. I love having friends. But. But. But. My husband while an extremely reserved person (unlike me!) is an insane.fucking.bowl.of.wild.all-consuming.fun. I sometimes think I make a hectic social calendar so I can avoid missing him. There I said it.

So we talked last night. The problem is his is damn job. INSANE hours. Why must he love his job? Hubby actually loves his [in my opinion] gawd awfully boring job. He could change professions but then he wouldn't be fulfilled. He'd change professions for me. But I would never ask him to. I can't. He loves what he does and that is a damn rare accomplishment.

So I'm stuck. His va-k is up on Sunday night. I wish I could freeze time. I guess I should just be happy for what I've got and I am. I just want more of it. Le Sigh to the millionth degree.