Thanks for being an idiot!

Today's ultrasounds showed 2 follicles -- at 12 mm and 14 mm. So my body is reacting to the Clomid (but not well). My doctor wants to inseminate me on Friday at 4:30 PM. Dr. S said he's comfortable triggering at 17 mm. The follicle should grow 1 mm per day. That means by Friday, theoretically, the follicle should be at 18 mm. He fucking better do an ultrasound to confirm the follicle size.

Anna, the nurse, was advised by Dr. S to tell me to take the HCG trigger shot at 5:30 AM on Wednesday. On my drive to the pharmacy to pick up the HCG trigger shot, I did math in my head. It would be 60 hours from the shot to my insemination. That didn't sound right. I was positive that the insemination should occur 24-36 hours after the trigger shot. I called the office and spoke to Anna and she said, "I'll check with the doctor." Anna called me back 30 minutes later and said, "Sorry, we made a mistake. You trigger on Thursday at 5:30 AM." Yes, ME, the patient with no medical license caught the error. Dr. S' office was way off by about 24 hours. Not feeling so warm & fuzzy inside. Nervous.

I need to ask Dr. S the following questions on Friday:
1) What are your personal success rates?
2) What is the next step if I don't become pregnant this cycle?
3) Do you plan on checking the follicle size on Friday before the insemination?
4) How do we avoid triggering too early in the future?

It's Getting Pretty Fucking Funny

Started the day with a trans vaginal ultrasound. I should have at least one follicle growing so that I can do IUI next week.

I got nothing! Nada. NOTHING. I have tiny little follicles that will never mature to release an egg -- the same tiny follicles I have every cycle when I'm not taking any fertility meds.

Me: So why didn't Clomid work this cycle?
Dr. S: I'm not sure. Same reason you don't ovulate normally.
What??? Was that some sort of fucking weirdo backward reasoning????

Clomid isn't working. Blood test results confirm it kids. I go in on Monday for another ultrasound. We decided what's next.

Fun fuckin' is.

The Swan Dive

Monday night was exciting, as expected. I had a brand new shiny bare puss puss. But last night blew my mind away. I feel like my body is still recovering from soul-shaking orgasms. My cha-cha is still spasming right now. The sex started at 9. I think I came 10+ 20+ times. It was unreal. I don't even have words for it. All I know is that I kept waking up to orgasms. WAKING UP TO ORGASMS. I have never screamed so loud. Our bodies would find each other in our sleep. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I would die. I lost all control. This went on until 2 or 3 am when I passed out from exhaustion.

Holy shit. Talk about an adventure. I was doing things I couldn't really dream of. I'm kind of in awe. Man, do I love this guys. Anyone who can tickle me like that is someone very special.

Life is pretty fuggin good right now... My sex life went from absolutely mind-blowing to soul shaking.

Waxed My Cha-Cha

I have fallen in love with my p*ssy.

A conversation with 2 girlfriends on Saturday prompted me to wax my cha-cha and all of the undercarriage. Flower told me her lady was day-um good and as pain free as waxing could possibly be. I didn't believe her. Waxing da Cha-Cha = Virtually Painless??? That's crap. Plus, I'm a feminist.

I don't like to do anything crazy down there. I have never shaved my cha-cha (FYI: I feel like my vagina should be called a cha-cha when I write/talk about waxing). Anyhow, I either sport a full on Amazon bush or do a little scissor trimming action. I've always been comfortable with my bush. Loving the cha-cha means loving the bush. The feminist in me would gouge out a man's eyes for even mentioning any cha-cha bush removal. After the eye-gouging, I'd counter with, "wax your ballz first buddy bear and then we'll talk."

So being anti-cha-cha-hair-removal, I have no idea what moved me to wax. The decision was a soul-shaking life force type of event. I called Becky on Saturday and she promptly booked me an appointment for Monday @ 3 PM. Smart woman. If my appointment hadn't been booked on Saturday, I would have wussed out big time. I met Becky at her house. Super cozy house with easy street parking. She was crazy down to earth. I felt so chill around her that I had no problem showing her my cha-cha. Becky loves waxing. This is a woman with a passion (die-hard passion). I laid down on a massage table like thing. And she went to town on the cha-cha. Uber professional, fast & painless. I f*ck with you not. I do not like pain. I almost lose my sh*t and cry like a child when I have to give blood at the doctor's office. I'm a wuss. Waxing scares me oh so -- I have put wax on my upper lip and have been unable to rip off my nasty mustache b/c I'm afraid of the waxing pain.. There is no greater WAX WUSS that I. It's the truth.

So I went for the whole enchilada. I don't get the entire porn star landing strip nonsense. I took it all off -- even the little butt hairs. The lips and undercarriage were virtually painless. The a*s was by far the easiest. The mound hurt a little.

I can't stop looking at her. I want to scream to the world, my cha-cha is hairless and I feel hella sexy (that maybe wrong, but I don't care). My neighbor a few minutes ago asked me, "How are you?" I wanted to say, "I'm in love with my cha-cha," but I stopped myself.

$40 for falling in love with my cha-cha is priceless.

P.S. My husband was vehemently against the cha-cha waxing as he loves the cha-cha so and never wants to see her in pain (smart boy!). I expect him to swan dive into the cha cha tonight.

SWAN DIVE!!!

The Best House Warming Party

I think we might of had 30 people over yesterday. It's noon and I'm still so incredibly hung over. What a fabulous weekend.

I had to see my fertility dude this morning (Dr.S). I'm fairly positive that Dr. S believes I'm crazy.

Dr. S: (all sad trying to console me) How are you? (High fives me)
Me: Awww man, I'm nursing a horrible hang over. I could barely get myself here.
Dr. S: Oh, so you're feeling better?
Me: The bleeding was in perfect time. I had a kick ass party.
Dr. S: [chuckles]
Me: Just to warn you down there... but I'm bleeding like a stuck pig.
Dr.S: [trying hard to not bust out laughing]
Dr. S: It's okay.

And as I'm walking out he says to me, "feel better, do you want some Tylenol?"
Me: no worries, I've got black coffee
Dr. S: How are you going to drink tonight, it's St. Patty's Day
Me: Don't worry doc, I can always drink. Bye!

I start Clomid on Wednesday again. Here we go again people!! Let the fun start!

The Hopeless

So I'm not crying hysterically. It is what it is. I'm going to go through the motions of the fertility treatments. Insurance will cover 5 more rounds of IUI and 3 rounds of IVF. I just don't think it will be successful.

Well some of you are probably thinking -- why do these treatments if you don't have hope? Easy, this is science. Hope has shit to do with it. I just want to exhaust all of these procedures so everyone can just get off my back, forever. And I can once again say, "see I was right now STFU."

Listen & please listen well: you will never be a father, you will never be a grandmother/father & you will never be an uncle/aunt. Mark my words. Remember them well.

I may continue to blog about the treatments b/c they can be pretty fuckin' hysterical. We all need a good laugh.

I've lost my appetite for the weekend. At least it'll be easier to get inebriated. Cheers!

:(

HCG Beta levels remained the same. The pregnancy is abnormal. Peace Out. How many more miscarrages will I have? I'm waiting for the blood to start.

Trust & Surrender

Getting Over My Needle Phobia

I used to be a baby when it came to giving blood. I've become a pro ever since I started with my fertility clinic. I gave blood this morning. The levels must go up (HCG Beta Test). Trying hard to be calm and relaxed. I love you tubby.

...results come in this afternoon....

One Love

To feel more zen and at peace I played One Love by Bob Marley on Youtube and sang the words out loud. You can't help but be happy when you sing!!! I'm pushing anxiety/stress out of my mind by singing my heart out.

++

Tubby is here. I am pregnant. I am ecstatic. I should be guarded though. My beta was very low and that means one of two things: 1) very early pregnancy 2) abnormal pregnancy. I'm getting blood work done on Friday to measure the beta.

Good news: IUI worked and I am pregnant.

I can not worry about the what ifs. I'm going to enjoy this pregnancy no matter how long it is. I already love Tubby. I've been waiting for so long for Tubs.

Send me and Tubby all of your love and positive energy please!!!!!!!!!

Gave Blood

And I feel good. Last night was miserable. I cramped up a storm but no fuggin' period yet. After I gave blood I was told the doctor would call me before 12. I said in a calm cool manner -- "don't worry, he can leave a message on my voicemail... I have to give presentations today." The Andrologist (nurse wasn't available) who took my blood looked surprised (I suppose most women are anxious for their result). I said, "well it's only a 20% chance, I'm not holding my breathe."

I actually feel pretty zen. It is what it is.

20% Hopeful

I keep telling myself, just be 20% hopeful. IUI has a success rate of around 20%. I'm trying to be realistic and not get my hopes up BUT it's is so FUGGIN' hard.

I'm on 13 dpiui/dpo (days past inter-uterine-insemination/days past ovulation). I do a beta test at the doctor's tomorrow at 7:40 am. I have resisted the urge to take an at home pregnancy test. The wait is driving me nuts. I just want to know already!!!!!!!!!!! If it didn't work at least I have closure and can move on. The damn anticipation.

I have mad watery discharge & cramps -- both unusual for me pre-period but it could be residual effects of the drugs. Who knows. I keep thinking my period is here, from the wet surge in my panties. I'm glad I have an office door b/c I keep looking at my panties.

I clearly have problems....

GULP -- Window Treatments!!!

Shit they're expensive. I ordered custom drapes for the living room, kitchen and loft/office. I'm holding off on the master bedroom and the guest bedroom/nursery.

Living Room & Loft Fabric:
-you can see part of the loft window from the living room so I decided to go matchy matchy... PLUS, I adore this fabric
-the brown/green leaves are velvet and raised, the background is a beige/cream
-living room: casual pleats/ring top
-loft: flat roman shade
-the online picture does not do it justice!!!


Kitchen Fabric:
-the picture online looks like ass
-the fabric is beautiful
-flat roman shade

====================================================================
Tell me that I'm not being a consumer whore bitch for spending $2500. I feel hella guilty. But the fabrics make me swoon AND hubby loves them. I feel like SHIT when I spend money. Utter and complete shit.

Why I Love My Husband

I'm on a rampage today.

Hubby and I were on the phone and the topic of his mom came up. Pissy hormonal wife and MIL do NOT mix.

Me: Your mother is a stupid vile bitch.
Hubby: What did she do to you this time?
Me: A few months ago she blamed me for the miscarriage. She told me I had a miscarriage b/c I was sick with a cold.
Hubby: That's not appropriate.
Me: If she ever brings that up again, I pull punch her in the teeth.
Hubby: [laughing hysterically]

He knows how to deal with me....

**Last night in my low energy funk. Hubby cleaned the house, on his one free night. He had me lay my head on his chest and held me. His arms were strong and nurturing. I fell asleep surrounded in his love. I don't have a baby. But I am married to the best man in this world.

Low Energy

There's no doubt in my mind that IUI failed this cycle. I have to go for a blood test on Wednesday. I'm sure my period will come before Wednesday or soon after.

I've been so tired and low energy lately. I feel down, it's probably the hormones.

I put on the good show. I say that I won't care if I never get pregnant b/c I've got such a fabulous life: kick ass husband, kick ass penthouse, kick ass body, respectable good on paper job, kick ass friends & family, etc.

Then why I am I crying hysterically in my office after finding out a 41 year old got pregnant after 5 months of trying? I happen to be 28 and in the best health of my life.

I need to get over this and move on. I don't want anyone's fucking pity. So save it.

You don't get everything you want in life -- time to suck it up. Crying is for bitches & pansies.

I'm in no mood to play. If you know me IRL, don't send me any sweet, cheer up IM's or emails or I will punch you in the face.

Peace.

Reason #1: Marriage before Baby

The reason to be married before you try to have a baby is b/c your body can do disgusting things.

I'm in this 2ww (two week waiting period). I'm hella gassy. Like painful gassy. It's not any sign of pregnancy. I generally get gassy before my period but I think all of the meds/HCG trigger shot have made me exponentially gassier. SUCKS BIG TIME. I look like a big fat pig.

Hubby: Let's make love
Me: My belly hurts.
Hubby: Oh no baby.
Me: I have gas.
Hubby: How can I help?
Me: Rub my belly

The belly rubbing forced the gas down and out. I'm a smelly smelly ham. But he's stuck with me!