Freedom through Crying

from http://drdebkern.com

My daily horoscope which is dead on the money said:

Unhappiness due to communication is on the cards. Health ailments of your children will have to be taken care today. You will have gains through your younger siblings.

I woke up frustrated.  And I didn't want to share my emotions.  I wanted to go inwards and hide.  While doing a project for work tears started streaming down my face.  I couldn't stop.  Listening to Adele didn't exactly help. 

In crying, I was able to let go.  Sit with my feelings.  The anger and frustration dissipated.  My heart was open.  As water flowed out of my body, I was able to let something else in, love.  With love now consuming me, I was able to open my heart and have a proper conversation.  No ego.  Just me at my weakest, unguarded.

Thank you. The end result was 2 people communicating, connecting and loving.

Communing in Divinity

I miss the idea of what church could be.  Imagine a place to commune together, share ideas, awaken our inner divine... A place that helps us be better.  How awesome could this be for my girls and me!

Trust, I need at least a weekly reminder to keep my ego in check.  I need community!!

Some find this connection with others and the divine at Mass or church (or with a shrink/therapist).  "Church" is generally too traditional in form and substance for my taste.  And to be totally real, many of these independent spiritul type places not connected with a major world religion creep me out.  I watched one too many lifetime movies on cults.  Just sayin'.

I need a credible suggestion for community divine connectedness.  Suggestions (in Los Angeles would be even more lovely)? 

AK: Your suggestion for Buddhism has been duly noted and I will fo' sure check out!!

Maybe I Should Just Accept My Place in Hell

My emotions got the best of me today.  While I firmly believe in my stance/principles, my words were loaded with emotion.  Ego got the best of me.

I am consumed with desire to be happy and at peace.  But shit, that is fucking much easier when you are not faced with conflict and a big steamy plate of crap-o-la.  Eating shit is stinky business.

I want to give up.  I want to be a hedonist.  I want to look forward to my place in hell.  Why can't I just be cool with future glasses of bubbly with joan rivers and bowls with snoop?

Happy 4/20



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I'm underwater with piles of work.  I woke up this morning at exactly 4:20 am and started my workday.  Ironic.  The universe may just be telling me to chill the fuck out.

I need time for myself.  To just be.

Don't Make Fucking Assumptions

I am the queen of "what if."  "Well let's just assume that if s/he meant this".... I love love love to assume.  You know what I do every time I assume?  I make an ass out of you and me.  

I've been lonely lately.  I've missed him, my boy.  Life has been out of balance.  Before, only he had a crazy demanding job requiring a crackberry and 100+ hours a week.  When he would come home, I'd wake up, have a cup of tea and catch up with him, marinating in us.  Now I too have a crazy-demanding job; even working 14 hours a day, my pile of work is ever growing. Plus, we have babies (twins!).   Lately, there's been no "us".  We haven't nurtured our relationship.  We haven't made time for each other.  Just terrible.  He is a precious gift to me from the divine.

Even more terrible, I assumed I was doing all of the missing.  I assumed that he wasn't thinking of me.  I assumed that he didn't essentially give a flying fuck because he was full with work (satisfied even). I was wrong.  This morning I communicated my sadness and desires.  He reciprocated.  He misses me like crazy.  I melted into him, feeling one again, connected.

Now that I've stopped being an ass, the question is what next?  How do we honor and cherish us everyday?  Not us as parents, but as just the boy and girl who fell mutually and madly for each other.  I would love to sell everything, hit the the world, his hand in mine.  That's not practical, of course.  But I don't really give a flying fuck. I'm over practical.  I'd much rather dream.

WWJS?

I was raised Roman Catholic (even confirmed dudes).  But I'm not really into the whole Catholic thing.  That said, some of my fave people are Catholics so nothing against Jesus or religion or any of that stuff.  It just doesn't really resonate with me.  But I would high five Jesus, for sure.  I think he is a cool dude, I'd peg him for a toker.

I've noticed that is' not hip or cool or even necessarily appropro to say things like "Don't ya know that God loves you.  Jesus LOVES you."  But it's all good to say, "The universe blesses you with her divine energy."  Blame it on the hipsters.  Jesus is like so 1985, universe is totally 2011.

On my death bed, I'll confess my sins and pray to JC.  But you won't find me at Mass on any given Sunday, even though I have every intention of baptizing my kids (option has value).   Maybe I should get them "baptized" in every religion -- Jews for Jesus may just be the chosen people, who knows.

All silliness aside, it's beautiful to have convictions and faith that help make you a better person.  I want in on salvation.  I want a direct connection with the Divine.

Uncertain

I'm not sure what my expectations are of this blog.  I do know that I'm ready to start return to blogging.  We returned to Los Angeles in January and my heart is full of joy to be home.