New Blog

http://perkyboobs.wordpress.com/

A Place to Vent

I need a place where I can vent, scream and be crazy. I created another blog. It's not a happy one. But I'm not in a happy place.

Read at your own peril: http://infertilecow.wordpress.com/

D&C

All I can say is THANK EVERYTHING in this Universe that hubby took the day off from work. I couldn't sleep before my procedure. I was up at 5 am. Nervous. Shaking. I was 11 weeks pregnant yesterday. My heart ached.

Dr. S only has authority with Hollywood Pres and not Cedars Sinasi. Uhm, Hollywood Pres is severely ghettofied.

I was taken into a room and an IV was placed in my arm. Dr. S was there. He could tell I was in complete and total freak out mode. I got wheeled into the operating room. It was ugly and beyond cold. The anaesthesia was put in my IV. A gas mask was put in my place. My face started stinging as the anaesthesia started to work. I though chemicals were being thrown on my face. I woke up immediately after the procedure was done. My vagina was sore and felt heavy. I was hysterical. I demanded to be let out of the hospital. I signed a waiver so I didn't have to stay a minute later. I just couldn't be in there. I thought I was losing my mind.

I was also very pissed. Dr. S couldn't wait for me to wake up and ask him questions. I had to call him and he said he would do the miscarriage work up and run tests on me and hubby to see if there are any reasons why we can't hold onto a baby. But he also had to add, "most likely we won't find anything." I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEING TOLD THAT. I don't know why I need fertility meds to ovulate.. I am fucking 28 years old and in perfect health. I don't know why I can't keep any of my 3 pregnancies and once again I am 28 years and in perfect health. As soon as we got in the car I made a followup appointment with a different reproductive endocrinologist for a second opinion.

I cried all day yesterday. I took Prozac, Valium and Percocets and nothing helped ease my pain. I couldn't even pee b/c it burned so much. I can't have sex for 2 weeks and I really want to be intimate and feel close to my husband in that way.

I'm hope from work today. I feel like I'm falling apart. Time for my prozac.

My Shrink is Nutzo

Where do I start. My appointment was for 8 am. I didn't see my shrink until almost 9:30 and at that point the entire lobby was filled with people. Before I could even start talking about my infertility issues she went on a tirade. She told me she hadn't slept the night before b/c she had to paint her house to meet appraiser deadlines. She was in a mad rush to sell her house b/c she got divorced 2 days ago. She told me about how men suck and how her husband was a tool after her first miscarriage. She went on to tell me about her 4 year battle of infertility and "Clomid is a baby drug and when you start using the big guns you will be a total and complete mess." Wow, I have lots of fun to look forward too.



CRAZY COINCIDENCE: She went to my fertility clinic. She said it was considered the best in Los Angeles. She then told me she had an anxiety attack whenever she drove past my clinic b/c it gave her bad memories. In a nutshell, I know way more about my shrink's personal life than she does about mine.



But I like her. I was able to open up to her. She's more fucked up than I am and that makes me feel more sane.



She's also prescription writing happy. I got a month's supply of prozac and 30 pills of Valium. I asked Dr. S (my fertility specialist) on Saturday morning if I could take Valium before the D&C today. Dr. S asked how many I had. I told him about my shrink's prescription and his response was, "Jesus Christ -- 30 pills???"

Updates

First, I'm seeing a shrink. Yup, a psychiatrist on Saturday morning at 8 am. I knew I needed some help when I found myself in bed all day while in NYC. I just couldn't get out of bed. Bursting into tears at the gym is not cool. I need some therapy/drugs to get me through this rough patch. I'm a big girl and I know when I need help.

Thankfully my shrink appointment is before my D&C which has been scheduled for Monday at noon. I'm freaking out. I'll get anaesthesia via IV.

I'm trying to be positive -- but it's just hard. I don't feel like me:(

I Want to Punch You in the Fucking Face

This chick was complaining to me on how the gays were adopting all of the black babies in Los Angeles. She apparently has issue with the "gays." I wanted to punch her in the fucking face.

I don't give a shit who adopts a baby/kid from DCFS in Los Angeles as long as they're good parents. Fucking whore.

Oh and this is the same chick who said to me (unsolicited advice of course) -- I don't believe in having children through technology or IVF it's not God's way. I shot back with, "Well if that's how you feel you should stop taking your meds for your diabetes/high blood pressure from being obese. It's not natural or God's plan."

In NYC

I've been in NYC since Wednesday. Hubby is working like a pyscho. We're staying at the Palace. It's nice being with my best friend... it's not quite as lonely. During the days I stay in bed in my hotel. I can't seem to get out of bed. Dilly comes over after work and we grab dinner/chill/have fun.

I'll be 9 weeks pregnant with the creature. Miscarriage still has not started. Great, I look forward to a D&C when I get back to Los Angeles.

The rest of my weekend will be about doing yuppy things and going to yuppy events (not out of choice).

Peace.

Feeling Defeated

Well, I'm finally not hysterically crying. The tears still come but luckily not as frequently. I'm looking for a shrink. I'm depressed and I think professional help is necessary.

The scoop is that this is my 3rd abnormal pregnancy. Tubby is not developing at all. I've done many u/s to confirm. I had a D&C (I get knocked out with anaesthesia and they scrape up my uterus and sucks out dead baby with a vacuum) scheduled for Friday. Dr. S is flying to Lebanon for his bro's wedding and is gone for the next 10 days and had to cancel my d&c. I don't want another doctor doing the procedure.

Tubs should fall out naturally but hasn't yet.... fucking infuriating. My doctor has given me the green light to drink and such as this is confirmed and diagnosed to be an abnormal pregnancy that my body will abort.

If I don't miscarry naturally by the time he returns he wants me to do a d&c b/c the gestational sac will continue to grow and he doesn't want to take any risks of me hemorrhaging.

Dr. S wants to do more testing to see why my body is so fucked up and I can't carry to term. He agrees, this is anything but normal or random bad luck.

My heart is heavy. I don't have any words to describe what I'm feeling. I simply feel defeated.

The Dead Cancer Inside

I'll miscarry soon. Probably have a D&C scheduled next Monday. I think I'm done blogging.

Don't call/text/email/IM me to discuss this. Much appreciated.

Shining Positivity

I felt scared this morning, even after the ultrasound. But a conversation with one of my fo' real homies cheered me up.

From gmail chat today & words of wisdom from the Roonie-meister:

Roonie: If there's a growing baby bean in there, s/he needs your positive energy

me: i know dude.. i feel so guilty about that. i think i'll try to talk to tubby...maybe that'll help

Roonie: Don't feel guilty. Talk to Tubby about how you feel. It's you two in this together

me: okay.. i'm telling tubs... out loud.

Roonie: Don't keep it your heart, tell Tubs
Be positive.
It's gotta happen sometime, you know?
Why not now?

me: you're absolutely right. why not now, indeed.

Chugging Along

Pic is not of tubby!!! Just a pic of an ultrasound for 5.5 weeks.

Today was hectic. I thought hubby was going to miss the appointment b/c something popped up at work at 8 am. But he made it with his adorable sleepy green eyes. I was about to poop in my pants from the anticipation of the doctor's appointment. I couldn't stay calm. I couldn't remain positive. I wanted to cry. I expected the worse.

I was so tense and stiff during the ultrasound. Then the doctor said the magical words, "the gestational sac is perfectly smooth and round and I see a yolk sac." I couldn't even believe him. I was astounded. I almost didn't know how to be happy.

I took my HCG trigger shot on April 3rd and so under my calculations I am exactly 5 weeks 7 days or 6 weeks today. According to the size of the gestational sac, the doctor thinks I'm 5 weeks 5 days. And if I really am that far along then the ultrasound picked up everything it should.

My next appointment is on Monday, May 12th. I will be either 7 weeks 3 days (my calculation) or 7 weeks 1 day (based on today's ultrasound). At that point the ultrasound should pick up the fetal pole and a heart beat.

I'm disappointed though.. I really wanted to see the fetal pole and a heartbeat. I don't know how to be positive about this pregnancy. I'm going to try talking to my baby and hopefully that will help.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Don't Try to Change My Ultrasound Appointment

My doctor's office called today. Here's the thing, have a very valid reason if you want to change a patent's appointment that was confirmed almost 2 weeks ago.

I receive a telephone call at 12:15 PM

Lady: Hi, can you come in this afternoon?
Me: Uhm, isn't my appointment for tomorrow at 8:30 am?
Lady: Yeah, but can you come this afternoon?
Me: I'm at work... (I have conference calls and meetings already set up.. is she for real???)
Lady: Okay, can you come in tomorrow afternoon?
Me: Well, my husband agreed to come and he had to clear his schedule...
Lady: Oh, no worries.

WTF? Why bother calling me lady... you know how busy both of us are!!!

I'm feeling very emotional right now. Just got off the phone with hubby and he has to pull another all-fucking-nighter at the damn office. Fine, if he wants to deteriorate his health, that is his prerogative. But I can not and will not go to that office alone to hear possibly bad news and sob. I had to get my first m/c diagnosed alone and I can't do it again. I told hubby either he shows or I'm canceling my appointment

I'm so upset right now!!! And trust me when I say, I am the beacon of mother fucking understanding when it comes to his job. Seriously I don't complain a bit when birthdays or anniversaries or holidays are missed for the almighty J-O-B.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My baby is coming with me tomorrow to the ultrasound... poor thing. He'll be all bleary eyed from no sleep and totally puckered out:(

The Horrid Dream

I'm 5 weeks 5 days today. YAY!!! I have my 6 week check-up on Friday.

Last night I had a horrible dream. During the day I can block my mind from having fears of miscarriages and abnormal pregnancies... but my subconscious is an entirely different matter. Hubby and I were in Dr. S's office. The office was in Taipei. I suspect my dream took place in Taipei b/c I walked by an OGBYN's office near my hotel daily which had a beautiful picture of a pregnant woman. I'd look at her with envy. Dr. S told us that the gestational sac didn't look normal and we'd miscarry soon. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

I woke up so grateful that it was all just a dream. What about some cutesy preggo dreams instead????

Everyone.. send some good thoughts my way. I'm a tad bit nervous about my ultrasound on Friday.

5 Weeks Pregnant

I'm at least 5 weeks pregnant today!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeding Tubby

I've always been conscious about what I've put into my body. Not that I'm saying I'm always healthy, but I'm aware. Now that I'm preggo, that means so much more to me. I constantly think -- what is tubby getting from what I'm putting in my mouth?

It looks like my calories are to remain the same for the first trimester. My in-laws are here and they'll say silly things like, "you're eating for two now." Uhm, no I'm not. I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow and tubs will be 1.25 mm long. Tubs is tiny.

I need a quick easy breakfast b/c I eat it at my office. I bring a packet of TJ's heart healthy blueberry oatmeal. Lunch is a salad made of mixed greens, shreeded carrots, sweet juicy cherry/plum tomatoes, crunchy pickled organic green beans, brown French lentils and a low fat dressing. I generally get hungry late in the afternoon and follow up with a banana or some fruit. I leave the office at 6 and I may/may not be hungry so I keep a bag of carrots in the fridge and a wholesome granola bar low in sugar in my office. Dinner is where things change up a bit. I'm tired and don't want to slave over the stove. If I cook I usually make an egg white omelet, side of black beans, maybe one corn tortilla and some veggies. Otherwise I'll order takeout which is lean protein (size of a deck of cards), non-white high fiber carb and some veggies. In Los Angeles it is remarkably easy to order healthy delicious take out from restaurants.

I know I need to add more calcium into my diet. I think it's time to add yogurt to my lunch/breakfast routine or maybe a glass of milk as a snack. Time to call Dilly about some advice. How awesome is it to have a bff that is a clinical nutritionist?

Tagged: To Write a 6 Word Poem

Pregnant
Again
Belly filled with hope

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Tazzy Star just tagged me to write a six word poem. Clearly my pregnancy is on my thoughts. The above pic is from December 2006 when I was last pregnant. My skin was glowing. My breasts full. My belly fully of hope. What's strange, is that I will be due around the time I had my first miscarriage -- almost 2 years later.

I have to physically push the fears out of my mind about miscarriages and abnormal pregnancies. Everything is going just fine right now and that's all I have, but it's enough. On my drive to work, I chastised myself for having any doubts or pessimism. First all I wanted was just to ovulate -- then I wanted to just conceive -- then I just wanted the HCG numbers to double -- and now I want to see a heartbeat. Enough with the "just want this" mentality.

The six word memoir rules are:

write your own six word memoir.

post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like.

link to the person that tagged you in your post.

tag five more blogs with links.

leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

Swimming in a Sea of JOY

The clinic called.

HCG levels on Monday = 344
HCG levels today = 776

They more than doubled!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tubby is doing well. The clinic thinks I'm 5 wks 3 days but I know when I ovulated and I think I'm 4 weeks 5 days. I have an appointment next Friday for an ultrasound and hopefully we'll be able to hear see a heartbeat.

I can't express in words how happy I am. I'm on a unbelievable high. Happiness dripping from every pore. My cheeks hurt from smiling. I can't believe it!!!!! I love you Tubby!!!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hoping, Wishing & Praying

I drew blood today. The nurse said my numbers from Monday were fantastic!!!! The beta results will be in late afternoon and they MUST double. Come on tubs, hang in there!

Hubby pulled an all-nighter at the office. He's been working for 24 hours straight at this point and it'll probably be 36 hours by the time he comes home. My poor sleepy husband immediately takes my calls no matter how deep he's buried in work. I chatted with him on the phone while I brushed my teeth:

Me: I'm tired. I went to bed late last night.
Hubby: WHAT??? You need to call out sick. You need to rest. Tubby and you need rest.

CUTE. CUTE OVERLOAD. He has been beyond adorable... I can cry thinking about how amazing of a father he is going to be.

Burrow deeper, little dude

I confirmed my suspiciouns on Saturday via a digital pregnancy test. My breasts hurt, I had heartburn and I wanted to pass out whenever I took a walk. Something was off. The test turned "pregnant" within 45 seconds. My doctor called me yesterday with the beta test results which are *drumroll please* 345!!!

Guideline to hCG levels during pregnancy:
hCG levels in weeks from LMP (gestational age)* :
3 weeks LMP: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml (this is where I am)
5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml

* These numbers are just a GUIDELINE-- every woman’s level of hCG can rise
differently. It is not necessarily the level that matters but rather the change
in the level.

*Gestational age is usually considered to be the age of an embryo or fetus (or newborn infant) from the first day of the woman's last menstrual period (LMP).

How far along am I? DPO (18 days) + 14 days = 32 days or a little over 4 weeks.

I ovulated on April 4th. We probably conceived that weekend in New York. Damn good thing I followed hubby to NYC for sper-um. The little dude didn't implant in my uterus until about 7-10 days after April 4th and started getting nutrients from me!

I go in for another beta test tomorrow. The numbers should double (think good thoughts about tubby). My doctor was SUPER optimistic on the phone. After the second beta which hopefully will be kosher I will go in for an ultrasound in 2 weeks, hear tubby's heart beat, and move on from fertility specialist to an ordinary OBGYN.

Due date: 12/26/08 +/- 2 weeks

Numbers

19 months of trying to conceive

2 failed pregnancies

still counting....

What is wrong with me... I am in such a blah mood. BLAH.

Here's a cute pic from happier times this weekend:

On A Cali Poppy High

Moon and I trekked out to see poppies in Lancaster on Saturday. They were beautiful. Bright shades or orange. Poppies flourishing in the wild. The sun was shining and made my brown skin glow. I felt strong and full of bliss.

This week my body is feeling so run down. I've felt woozy on and off. Queasy here and there. I'm on 12 dpo. I know, don't obsesses. I don't want to set myself up for heart break if I get a BFN (big fat negative pregnancy test). So, I'm going to try to forget all of this and marinate in the bliss of the Cali poppy high.

Terrified, Yet Confident

A few of you (IRL buds) approached me about my cryptic career post via text messages, gmail chats and phone calls. I told you part of the story -- a tiny minuscule part of the story (maybe not even part of the story) about a certain job with the State of CA. I just hadn't actualized the rest or wasn't willing to admit what's really in my heart. The rest is going to change my life here in Los Angeles. Lots of shaking up.

I didn't even say the words until today to my husband. Hubby and I discussed it. He told me his fears and reservations. I shared mine. He was surprised by my decision. Ultimately, he supports me.

Yes, I'm scared. I'm taking a HUGE risk. But I am ready. And more importantly, I'm happy.

The Sad Truth About Relationships

This is hella depressing. I'm grateful it isn't my life.

The Sad Truth About Relationships

It's Clear As Mud

Having children terrifies me. Right now life is pretty freaking awesome. I get to jet set around the world. If my husband is on a business trip, I can book a ticket and join him with no worries. If a friend invites me to an impromptu happy hour, I just need some lip gloss and I'm ready to go. More importantly, I can be completely and totally self-absorbed.

I absolutely adore my life in Los Angeles.

Kick ass husband -- Check
Kick ass friends -- Check
Kick ass social life -- Check

I can party like a rock star -- as evidenced from this pic last week at a party in the Hollywood Hills where I had a bit too much fun.

A baby will ruin my social life. I know this sounds so shallow. I know it does. But my social life is important to me. So much of my identity comes from work and my social circle. I'm terrified that I'm going to absolutely resent my children. My co-worker, who's 29, has 2 kids and she told me "I love my kids but I don't know if I should of have them. I'm envious of your life."

I like my freedom. I'm not done exploring, discovering and working on ME. Yes, ME ME ME b/c I am self-obsessed.

But. But. But. I know I'll want kids one day. And I have fertility issues. And my doctor has said thank gawd I'm trying now. But I think it would be better if I could wait until I was 35, maybe even 40!

Yeah, this is all clear as mud. Maybe I'm just selfish.

Unbelievably Exhausted

I miss my husband. He's been getting home around midnight. I haven't been able to stay awake to see him or have sex!!! It's been 2 days of NO SEX and I'm feeling very sexually deprived. Last night, I made it a mission to stay awake. I sent hubby sexy text messages about what we would do at night. I took a shower and got all gussied up. I watched a documentary on female orgasms (I love all things about sex) and passed out around 10:30 pm. I mean passed out on the couch cold. I woke up at 6:45 am after I snoozed a million times. I thought about calling out sick from work b/c I am so fuckin' tired. I'm currently drinking black coffee. I need to stay awake tonight, I want to get laid.

I don't know if I'm feeling this way from the HCG trigger shot or from actual pregnancy. I felt this way last month, when i was pregnant for about 2 days. It's probably the trigger shot. But this sucks. I hate being so low energy, especially when it impacts my sex life. I NEED TO HAVE SEX TONIGHT.

Dreaming & Pursuing

I've done a lot of bitching and moaning. Tons of woe is me! Perhaps, along the way I lost a bit of drive, ambition and self-confidence. It was hard to see clearly when my head was in my ass, marinating in confusion. Then the fertility issues started. I got even more off track.

I've been doing some reflecting. There was one job that I really enjoyed. It's the aspect of my current job that I not only enjoy but am good at. Maybe it'll never be my full-time job. But maybe it will be. All I can do is try. So that's what I'm doing. I did some research. Sent a few resumes. I can start by volunteering on Mondays, my day off every week.

I'm ready to shake things up.

Yes, I know this post is cryptic. In time, I'll reveal what it is that I love to do.

Partying and Drugs to Follow

Tonight Moon and I are partying in some mansion in the Hillz!!! Afterwards, she (being kick ass) is going to inject me with my trigger shot @ 5:30 AM. And then I fly to NYC @ 3:20 tomorrow... see hubby, shag, see friends and shag some more.

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Above, is a pic of me FREAKING OUT last time from the trigger shot. Fun times.

Flying to NYC for Sperm

Seriously. No joke. Laugh.

Hubby called around 5:30 pm:

Hubby: Don't be mad..
Me: What's up?
Hubby: I have to fly to NYC for work. I leave tomorrow at 3 pm.
Me: I'm not mad. But do you know how hard it is for me to make eggs? Our doctor is billing our insurance anyway since we already started the cycle... Man this sucks. What are are going to do? Can you fly back to drop off some spooge on Friday?
Hubby: Uhm, no. I plan on being back Sunday night but it could theoretically be weeks....
Me: I think I may weep.
Hubby: Fly out to NYC?

I found an amazing price for a ticket. I arrive in NYC at 11:30 pm on Thursday and leaving at 8:30 pm on Monday.

Who wants to party?

Thanks for being an idiot!

Today's ultrasounds showed 2 follicles -- at 12 mm and 14 mm. So my body is reacting to the Clomid (but not well). My doctor wants to inseminate me on Friday at 4:30 PM. Dr. S said he's comfortable triggering at 17 mm. The follicle should grow 1 mm per day. That means by Friday, theoretically, the follicle should be at 18 mm. He fucking better do an ultrasound to confirm the follicle size.

Anna, the nurse, was advised by Dr. S to tell me to take the HCG trigger shot at 5:30 AM on Wednesday. On my drive to the pharmacy to pick up the HCG trigger shot, I did math in my head. It would be 60 hours from the shot to my insemination. That didn't sound right. I was positive that the insemination should occur 24-36 hours after the trigger shot. I called the office and spoke to Anna and she said, "I'll check with the doctor." Anna called me back 30 minutes later and said, "Sorry, we made a mistake. You trigger on Thursday at 5:30 AM." Yes, ME, the patient with no medical license caught the error. Dr. S' office was way off by about 24 hours. Not feeling so warm & fuzzy inside. Nervous.

I need to ask Dr. S the following questions on Friday:
1) What are your personal success rates?
2) What is the next step if I don't become pregnant this cycle?
3) Do you plan on checking the follicle size on Friday before the insemination?
4) How do we avoid triggering too early in the future?

It's Getting Pretty Fucking Funny

Started the day with a trans vaginal ultrasound. I should have at least one follicle growing so that I can do IUI next week.

I got nothing! Nada. NOTHING. I have tiny little follicles that will never mature to release an egg -- the same tiny follicles I have every cycle when I'm not taking any fertility meds.

Me: So why didn't Clomid work this cycle?
Dr. S: I'm not sure. Same reason you don't ovulate normally.
What??? Was that some sort of fucking weirdo backward reasoning????

Clomid isn't working. Blood test results confirm it kids. I go in on Monday for another ultrasound. We decided what's next.

Fun fuckin' is.

The Swan Dive

Monday night was exciting, as expected. I had a brand new shiny bare puss puss. But last night blew my mind away. I feel like my body is still recovering from soul-shaking orgasms. My cha-cha is still spasming right now. The sex started at 9. I think I came 10+ 20+ times. It was unreal. I don't even have words for it. All I know is that I kept waking up to orgasms. WAKING UP TO ORGASMS. I have never screamed so loud. Our bodies would find each other in our sleep. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I would die. I lost all control. This went on until 2 or 3 am when I passed out from exhaustion.

Holy shit. Talk about an adventure. I was doing things I couldn't really dream of. I'm kind of in awe. Man, do I love this guys. Anyone who can tickle me like that is someone very special.

Life is pretty fuggin good right now... My sex life went from absolutely mind-blowing to soul shaking.

Waxed My Cha-Cha

I have fallen in love with my p*ssy.

A conversation with 2 girlfriends on Saturday prompted me to wax my cha-cha and all of the undercarriage. Flower told me her lady was day-um good and as pain free as waxing could possibly be. I didn't believe her. Waxing da Cha-Cha = Virtually Painless??? That's crap. Plus, I'm a feminist.

I don't like to do anything crazy down there. I have never shaved my cha-cha (FYI: I feel like my vagina should be called a cha-cha when I write/talk about waxing). Anyhow, I either sport a full on Amazon bush or do a little scissor trimming action. I've always been comfortable with my bush. Loving the cha-cha means loving the bush. The feminist in me would gouge out a man's eyes for even mentioning any cha-cha bush removal. After the eye-gouging, I'd counter with, "wax your ballz first buddy bear and then we'll talk."

So being anti-cha-cha-hair-removal, I have no idea what moved me to wax. The decision was a soul-shaking life force type of event. I called Becky on Saturday and she promptly booked me an appointment for Monday @ 3 PM. Smart woman. If my appointment hadn't been booked on Saturday, I would have wussed out big time. I met Becky at her house. Super cozy house with easy street parking. She was crazy down to earth. I felt so chill around her that I had no problem showing her my cha-cha. Becky loves waxing. This is a woman with a passion (die-hard passion). I laid down on a massage table like thing. And she went to town on the cha-cha. Uber professional, fast & painless. I f*ck with you not. I do not like pain. I almost lose my sh*t and cry like a child when I have to give blood at the doctor's office. I'm a wuss. Waxing scares me oh so -- I have put wax on my upper lip and have been unable to rip off my nasty mustache b/c I'm afraid of the waxing pain.. There is no greater WAX WUSS that I. It's the truth.

So I went for the whole enchilada. I don't get the entire porn star landing strip nonsense. I took it all off -- even the little butt hairs. The lips and undercarriage were virtually painless. The a*s was by far the easiest. The mound hurt a little.

I can't stop looking at her. I want to scream to the world, my cha-cha is hairless and I feel hella sexy (that maybe wrong, but I don't care). My neighbor a few minutes ago asked me, "How are you?" I wanted to say, "I'm in love with my cha-cha," but I stopped myself.

$40 for falling in love with my cha-cha is priceless.

P.S. My husband was vehemently against the cha-cha waxing as he loves the cha-cha so and never wants to see her in pain (smart boy!). I expect him to swan dive into the cha cha tonight.

SWAN DIVE!!!

The Best House Warming Party

I think we might of had 30 people over yesterday. It's noon and I'm still so incredibly hung over. What a fabulous weekend.

I had to see my fertility dude this morning (Dr.S). I'm fairly positive that Dr. S believes I'm crazy.

Dr. S: (all sad trying to console me) How are you? (High fives me)
Me: Awww man, I'm nursing a horrible hang over. I could barely get myself here.
Dr. S: Oh, so you're feeling better?
Me: The bleeding was in perfect time. I had a kick ass party.
Dr. S: [chuckles]
Me: Just to warn you down there... but I'm bleeding like a stuck pig.
Dr.S: [trying hard to not bust out laughing]
Dr. S: It's okay.

And as I'm walking out he says to me, "feel better, do you want some Tylenol?"
Me: no worries, I've got black coffee
Dr. S: How are you going to drink tonight, it's St. Patty's Day
Me: Don't worry doc, I can always drink. Bye!

I start Clomid on Wednesday again. Here we go again people!! Let the fun start!

The Hopeless

So I'm not crying hysterically. It is what it is. I'm going to go through the motions of the fertility treatments. Insurance will cover 5 more rounds of IUI and 3 rounds of IVF. I just don't think it will be successful.

Well some of you are probably thinking -- why do these treatments if you don't have hope? Easy, this is science. Hope has shit to do with it. I just want to exhaust all of these procedures so everyone can just get off my back, forever. And I can once again say, "see I was right now STFU."

Listen & please listen well: you will never be a father, you will never be a grandmother/father & you will never be an uncle/aunt. Mark my words. Remember them well.

I may continue to blog about the treatments b/c they can be pretty fuckin' hysterical. We all need a good laugh.

I've lost my appetite for the weekend. At least it'll be easier to get inebriated. Cheers!

:(

HCG Beta levels remained the same. The pregnancy is abnormal. Peace Out. How many more miscarrages will I have? I'm waiting for the blood to start.

Trust & Surrender

Getting Over My Needle Phobia

I used to be a baby when it came to giving blood. I've become a pro ever since I started with my fertility clinic. I gave blood this morning. The levels must go up (HCG Beta Test). Trying hard to be calm and relaxed. I love you tubby.

...results come in this afternoon....

One Love

To feel more zen and at peace I played One Love by Bob Marley on Youtube and sang the words out loud. You can't help but be happy when you sing!!! I'm pushing anxiety/stress out of my mind by singing my heart out.

++

Tubby is here. I am pregnant. I am ecstatic. I should be guarded though. My beta was very low and that means one of two things: 1) very early pregnancy 2) abnormal pregnancy. I'm getting blood work done on Friday to measure the beta.

Good news: IUI worked and I am pregnant.

I can not worry about the what ifs. I'm going to enjoy this pregnancy no matter how long it is. I already love Tubby. I've been waiting for so long for Tubs.

Send me and Tubby all of your love and positive energy please!!!!!!!!!

Gave Blood

And I feel good. Last night was miserable. I cramped up a storm but no fuggin' period yet. After I gave blood I was told the doctor would call me before 12. I said in a calm cool manner -- "don't worry, he can leave a message on my voicemail... I have to give presentations today." The Andrologist (nurse wasn't available) who took my blood looked surprised (I suppose most women are anxious for their result). I said, "well it's only a 20% chance, I'm not holding my breathe."

I actually feel pretty zen. It is what it is.

20% Hopeful

I keep telling myself, just be 20% hopeful. IUI has a success rate of around 20%. I'm trying to be realistic and not get my hopes up BUT it's is so FUGGIN' hard.

I'm on 13 dpiui/dpo (days past inter-uterine-insemination/days past ovulation). I do a beta test at the doctor's tomorrow at 7:40 am. I have resisted the urge to take an at home pregnancy test. The wait is driving me nuts. I just want to know already!!!!!!!!!!! If it didn't work at least I have closure and can move on. The damn anticipation.

I have mad watery discharge & cramps -- both unusual for me pre-period but it could be residual effects of the drugs. Who knows. I keep thinking my period is here, from the wet surge in my panties. I'm glad I have an office door b/c I keep looking at my panties.

I clearly have problems....

GULP -- Window Treatments!!!

Shit they're expensive. I ordered custom drapes for the living room, kitchen and loft/office. I'm holding off on the master bedroom and the guest bedroom/nursery.

Living Room & Loft Fabric:
-you can see part of the loft window from the living room so I decided to go matchy matchy... PLUS, I adore this fabric
-the brown/green leaves are velvet and raised, the background is a beige/cream
-living room: casual pleats/ring top
-loft: flat roman shade
-the online picture does not do it justice!!!


Kitchen Fabric:
-the picture online looks like ass
-the fabric is beautiful
-flat roman shade

====================================================================
Tell me that I'm not being a consumer whore bitch for spending $2500. I feel hella guilty. But the fabrics make me swoon AND hubby loves them. I feel like SHIT when I spend money. Utter and complete shit.

Why I Love My Husband

I'm on a rampage today.

Hubby and I were on the phone and the topic of his mom came up. Pissy hormonal wife and MIL do NOT mix.

Me: Your mother is a stupid vile bitch.
Hubby: What did she do to you this time?
Me: A few months ago she blamed me for the miscarriage. She told me I had a miscarriage b/c I was sick with a cold.
Hubby: That's not appropriate.
Me: If she ever brings that up again, I pull punch her in the teeth.
Hubby: [laughing hysterically]

He knows how to deal with me....

**Last night in my low energy funk. Hubby cleaned the house, on his one free night. He had me lay my head on his chest and held me. His arms were strong and nurturing. I fell asleep surrounded in his love. I don't have a baby. But I am married to the best man in this world.

Low Energy

There's no doubt in my mind that IUI failed this cycle. I have to go for a blood test on Wednesday. I'm sure my period will come before Wednesday or soon after.

I've been so tired and low energy lately. I feel down, it's probably the hormones.

I put on the good show. I say that I won't care if I never get pregnant b/c I've got such a fabulous life: kick ass husband, kick ass penthouse, kick ass body, respectable good on paper job, kick ass friends & family, etc.

Then why I am I crying hysterically in my office after finding out a 41 year old got pregnant after 5 months of trying? I happen to be 28 and in the best health of my life.

I need to get over this and move on. I don't want anyone's fucking pity. So save it.

You don't get everything you want in life -- time to suck it up. Crying is for bitches & pansies.

I'm in no mood to play. If you know me IRL, don't send me any sweet, cheer up IM's or emails or I will punch you in the face.

Peace.

Reason #1: Marriage before Baby

The reason to be married before you try to have a baby is b/c your body can do disgusting things.

I'm in this 2ww (two week waiting period). I'm hella gassy. Like painful gassy. It's not any sign of pregnancy. I generally get gassy before my period but I think all of the meds/HCG trigger shot have made me exponentially gassier. SUCKS BIG TIME. I look like a big fat pig.

Hubby: Let's make love
Me: My belly hurts.
Hubby: Oh no baby.
Me: I have gas.
Hubby: How can I help?
Me: Rub my belly

The belly rubbing forced the gas down and out. I'm a smelly smelly ham. But he's stuck with me!

The Turkey Has Been BASTED!!

I accompanied hubby to make a deposit at 8:30 am. The receptionist had to check with the doctor before she let me accompany him into the porn room. She looked embarrassed as she said, "no saliva or body fluids besides the semen." So playing with the penis with my mouth was slightly out of the questions. No worries, I am creative. I took off my trench coat and surprised hubby with uber sexy lingere. My breasts looked awesome and full. It took no time to produce a sample. Who needs nasty porn when there's a real girl wiggling and writhing? I was super turned on.

[We seriously lucked out. It took sheer will power to not have sex last night. We were supposed to abstain for 24 hours. At one point of fooling around, hubby said, "come on, fuck it.. let's make love." I came so close to saying "fuck it" too."]

I arrived at the doctor's at 10:30. I had to lie down on the bed with the stirrups. I had time to listen to music and get in my zen-mode. I visualized my father in heaven with my child in his arms. I visualized the baby being sent down in a beam of light, kinda like Star Trek, to my womb. I felt my father's love and focused that love to my baby.

Dr. S came in and high fived me. I made him laugh with my turkey basting inappropriate jokes. I truly believe I'm his most entertaining and quirky patient. Hubby is such a damn over achiever. Dr. S gave his sperm 2 gold stars. The man produced 40 million high quality sperm. Dr. S inserted a catheter into my cervix. Luckily there was ZERO pain. Afterwards I just rested in the doctor's office listening to Bob Marley (upbeat and peaceful... only fear is that my kid will be a raging pot head!). Dr. S told me that one of his patients comes to the office always stoned out of her mind. Hmmm.. I'm getting ideas (j/k).

Now I'm home from work chillaxing. I'm not letting any negativity affect me.

My motto: Trust & Surrender.

Hubby's 26th B-day

He turned 26 a few weeks ago. That's crazy. It was just yesterday that we got married and he was a shiny 22 year old!

I made dinner. He has a *tiny* belly. Mmmmm ribs. Don't you just love my plates?

One Egg Good To Go!

Dr. S is very cool. He high-fived me today. 2 eggs were developing as of last week. The ultrasound today revealed one nice juicy plump follicle holding my eggy. The other egg or follicle didn't continue maturing or is shrivelled up or something. That's fine by me -- the idea of twins is great but I don't want to carry more than one baby

Tonight I have to inject myself with an HCG trigger shot at precisely 11:30 pm. Anna, my coordinator, showed me how -- grab the fat below my belly button and insert the needle all the way in. She told me that it maybe difficult for me b/c I have such a lean belly (they know how to make a girl feel good at this clinic!).

Wednesday is Turkey Basting Day.

I'm anxious.... anxious that the procedure will work!!! Am I ready to be a mom?

Gain Weight!!!

Fertility treatments generally make people gain weight. Hormones do crazy shit to your body. And a lot of people get stressed out and eat more. I'm the opposite. The hormones don't make me extra hungry at all. When I feel stress, the last thing I want to do is eat. On top of that, b/c I'm trying to get preggo I've eating really healthy foods (more so than the usual healthful foods that I eat).

My size zero Lucky's were falling off of me last night. I had to keep pulling them up. Hubby came home and looked at me and said, "uhm this is not cool.... you need to gain weight."

I don't *feel* stressed out. I've been going out with friends and chillaxing and just having fun. BUT my neck/shoulder area is aching and it's where I carry my stress. I am subconsciously stressed about this cycle. Yesterday in the doctor's office I felt like crying, that's stress dudes. So I'm deluding myself if I think that my body isn't holding onto stress/worries/fears. Thank goodness for acupuncture, it really helps (I have an appointment tonight). I need to meditate and work passed this stress.

I'm putting this down on my blog to remind myself to be mindful of my weight. Being underweight does NOT help fertility issues at all.

Dream

My friend has a dream. She loves animals. It's her passion.

This is her idea:

Idea Description
I would rescue rehomeable animals of varying breeds and ages from high-kill helters and get them the training and medical attention they'd need to be rehabilitated and find forever homes. My goal is to be a one-stop resource for all holistic needs, including organic food and treats, advice, and links to quality, personally-recommended services (groomers, walkers, trainers, behaviorists, petsitters, vets, etc.). I would also like to have low-cost group training and various seminars that would be helpful to my patrons.

What will you do if you win $10,000 for this idea?
Rent a storefront, do the necessary paperwork and get permits, and start rescuing animals!

VOTE FOR HER. If she wins, I promise you, she will use the money to help animals. Just do it, it takes freaking no time at all and you can literally help someone achieve their dream by voting. Be a kind person!

2 Eggs Getting Ready to Hatch

Last night my acupuncturist told me I had deficient Yin and told me to eat beef or goat. I don't remember the last time I had red meat. I'm not a technically a vegetarian but I rarely ever eat meat. For you my future baby, I had a beef rib last night. At first I was grossed out. But I tasted the delicious BBQ flavor in my mouth and it was all good.

Hubby is a darling. He has gotten close to no sleep this week. He stumbled into bed at 5 am. He woke up at 7 to get ready for our doctor's appointment. He wanted to be with me for my ultrasound. I told him to get his ass back in bed.

Dr. S was 35 minutes late. I heard the receptionist calling him. He looked like he rolled out of bed and made a mad dash to the office. I've got 2 eggs. I have to go in on Monday for another ultrasound, get a trigger shot and probably inseminate on Wednesday. Dr. S told me to have sex every other day starting tomorrow. I freaked out.

Me: Uhm, are you telling me that I can't have sex everyday.
Dr. S: [looking at me like you hornball] You can have as much intercourse as you like... just no less than every other day.
Me: Oh thank gawd. Trust me -- we will!

I kept good on my promise. I went home b/c I had forgotten my lunch. Hubby looked hooooottt. I drooled. He could tell I was ready to play. He had a conference call but we put the phone on mute and played. I was mad late for work this morning. It was worth it!

BD = Baby Dance

I surf these mothering websites. Lots of women post about their infertility journey or trying to conceive in general. All of these women seem paranoid about making sure they have sex at the right time. For example, "I think I ovulated late and we stopped having sex too early!"

Seriously? Sex is a chore or something?

I have sex almost everynight. I love it. I really can't go more than 24 hours without love making. Maybe I'm a sex addict. Physically, sexually connecting with my husband is a number one priority for me. I never want to lose it. Awesome sex = Awesome mental connection (my opinion of course). Our bodies sync as one b/c our hearts and minds are in sync. Hubby worked from home this weekend and when he took breaks we dide the pokey dance. How I love sex-fest weekends. Like I've said before, I'm surprised I'm not burping up spermies.

The nurse at the fertility clinic told me to stop having sex on Wednesday b/c I have a trans-vaginal ultrasound on Thursday that will determine when I'm getting inseminated. I don't like someone telling me to not have sex. I made hubby call Dr. S. We got the green light to have as much sex as we want until Thursday. We may have to abstain 24 hours before the IUI.

Seriously... how am I not knocked up from all of this love making and orgasming? Mother Fucker.

Happy Valentine's Day

Hubby called me last night and told me that he had to pull an all nighter. I made him a special Valentine and I was dying to give it to him. I didn't make a fuss (hubby is psycho busy at work right now). I told him I loved him. I sat on the couch and listened to romantic music b/c I couldn't fall asleep without being spooned. I started feeling all gushy hearing cheesy yet sweet love songs. I heard someone rustling the locks. I knew it was hubby. I ran to the door and startled him. There he was all bleary-eyed at 1 am with a long stemmed rose and heart shaped balloon. He said, "I didn't want to miss seeing you on Valentine's Day." We stayed up until almost 3 am talking, connecting and loving.

I could not care less about fancy V-day gifts. He took time out of his busy schedule to come home and see me. He let his mountain of work pile up higher b/c he knew that V-day is important to me. More importantly, I didn't have to ask him to do anything. He just did.

This morning he called me on his way to work, like he always does, and said in his uber sexy voice, "Happy Valentine's Day buddy." He apologized for keeping me up late at night. He said, "I just missed you and wanted to spend time with you."

I'm swooning. I love and cherish this man.

But I'm Prefer Red!

You Are Chardonnay

Fresh, spirited, and classic - you have many facets to your personality. You can be sweet and light. Or deep and complex. You have a little bit of something to offer everyone... no wonder you're so popular. Approachable and never smug, you are easy to get to know (and love!). Deep down you are: Dependable and modest Your partying style: Understated and polite Your company is enjoyed best with: Cold or wild meat

What Kind of Wine Are You?

Clomid Day 1

We toasted to Clomid. I took my first pill at 9 PM with a big swig of wine at Bodega Wine Bar in Santa Monica amongst friends. Chill, I only had one glass of wine.

Plants & Fertility

I bought plants. The first living things that I am nurturing in my house (husband not included). The picture above is not a weed plant, it's a false aralia and STUNNING. I purchased a moisture meter. I don't want to over or under water my assortment of plants. The moisture meter was $7.99 and I love it. It tells me how much moisture surrounds the root. I'm really getting into this plant thing. I wake up and open my windows. I let the SoCal sunshine in. I check the soil in each plant. I water as needed. This gives me hope that I won't let my future child starve.

Tomorrow I start my morning with a wand up my vagina for an ultrasound. I start my hormone therapy. In 30 days or so I'll find out if this IUI cycle is a success. Hopefully the plants will still be alive and I'll have a bun in the oven. Let's not get ahead of ourselves in the hope department.....I'm just hoping I don't kill my plants.

Preparing My Body

Some tips I found that women utilize before IUI or IVF:

• Detoxify liver: drink tons of water daily
• Eat healthy and avoid caffeine, alcohol, processed junk, ect.
• Warm the abdoment: heating pad daily and eat warming foods like ginger. Ginger tea everyday!
• Moderate excercise.. nothing too strenuous.
• Visualize the pregnancy
• Fresh pineapple juice or fruit after IUI
• Drink milk daily (damn that'll be hard)
• Take DHA (important for fetal brain development) and multi-vitamin

The School

Hubby is too cute. He was ecstatic to find out the elementary school near our house is 1/2 mile away and fantastic in scores and testing and such. Le Sigh. He wants children so badly. He is eternally optimistic. He knows in his heart we will get pregnant. It's almost heartbreakingly sweet.

My period started today. I'm starting IUI this cycle. I think I start my hormones on Monday. Well that gives me 2 days to indulge in key lime martinis and general debauchery.

Bring on the fertility treatments!

Strange Coincidence

I was listening to 104.3 on the radio on my way to work. I heard the radio dude talking about being from CT. Matt called in and said he too is from CT and it's rare to find peeps out here in LA. He then mentioned that he went to my high school. My high school was TINY, less than a 100 people in some remote area.

Crazy shit.

Go Huskies!!!

Slurping Love

I miss my baby. He left on Sunday for NYC. I can't sleep without him. He's psycho crazy busy. I love this man more than anything in the world. No matter how busy he is, he always returns me phone calls or texts or emails. Always. I feel so incredibly blessed to have hubby. I don't know what I did to deserve him. But thank you God, fo' real.

We send each other goofy texts/emails everyday. It's fun being silly.

I emailed hubby:

You make me melt. I'll stop spamming you with emails now. I miss you baby. Love you oodles and noodles.. slurp up all the love!!!!

Hubby, while in a meeting, replied immediately:

Slurp slurp. Love you so much.

His email made me smile:)

What Can Brown Do For You?

I feel massively guilty. I bought tons of stuff for my house this weekend. I am way under budget still but spending $$$ makes me feel shaky. The crazy spending (all for shit we need and at good prices) made American Express raise an eyebrow. They thought someone had stolen my credit card and called me on my cell! I don't get a high from spending money. However, the house looks fucking mind blowing amazing beautiful. I was able to get a aqua-tealish chaise for $590 from Home Goods (deal of the freaking century)!!!

Anyhow, the UPS guy delivered my media storage towers and console today. This is how the conversation went down:

UPS: Are you Middle Eastern?
Me: I'm Bengali.
UPS: I'm suprised how perky and fun you are....being Indian and all.

[Uhm, what do you even say to that??? I just smiled and said goodbye. Apparently, brown folk just aren't fun.]

Sidenote: I'm definitely NOT perky this morning. I went to bed around 4 am. He would have thought I was certifiable if I had drank coffee or gotten 8 hours of sleep.

Cold Hole

I have a cold uterus or cold stagnation. My co-worker told me I had a cold hole. I lost it and started laughing hysterically. I told her that I have a hot puss-puss. Anyhow, more on this topic later when I see my acupuncturist next week.

Dr. S called and told me all is normal and even though my glucose/insulin are normal that I have a low level insulin resistance which is causing the ovulation problem.

I sent an email to my bro-in-law, the smartest doctor I know, for his opinion:

Hey Dr. Sahib-

I need your expert medical advice. So as you know hubby and I have tried for a little over a year after the miscarriage to get preggo. Surprise! I'm not pregnant.

My OBYN and a reproductive endocrinologist ran several tests. All of my tests were normal:

• HSG
• Glucose/insulin fast test
• STD/HIV
• Thyroid
• FSH
• Androgen
• Ovaries -- no cysts
• 17 hydroxy progesterone
• Semen analysis
• Beta HCG
• Progesterone
• TSH
• Prolactin
  

And some other tests that I can't remember. [Side note: I started getting the list above by speaking to a nurse at the Fertility Center. The nurse started telling me the tests I had done and then I heard the doctor in the background say, "she's had all those tests done." The nurse then quickly got off the phone with me. It was kinda weird. The doctor didn't sound pissed but slightly irritated. I could be reading WAY too much into it.] But I have almost all of my medical records at home in the filing cabinet.

Anyhow, Dr. S stated that he does not believe I ovulate every cycle. He did a transvaginal ultrasound about a week before I got my period and determined that I didn't ovulate this past cycle and I wouldn't ovulate this past cycle. He believes I have a low level insulin resistance that is causing me not to ovulate regularly. I asked him how he came to his conclusion. He said his conclusion was based on 3 things: 1) diabetes in the family 2) long cycles 3) trying for a year to get preggo. He thinks I have a 2-3% change of getting pregnant on my own. He thinks I should go forward with IUI next cycle with a drug regiment to induce ovulation. Uhm, all of that sounds very scary.

So my question is -- is this doctor on crack b/c what he's saying sounds pretty whack.

So please let me know what you think when you have time. I know you must be uber busy. Come visit soon!!! We missed you over Christmas.

~Bengali Chick

Unexplained Infertility???

Dr. S called yesterday and left me a message. So far all test results are normal. So why am I not ovulating? I'm waiting for him to call me today so that I can ask him what the fug is going on.

I think my diagnosis is going to be unexplained infertility. This blogger describes it well:

In the world of infertility, "unexplained" means medical science, as advanced as it is, cannot determine what is preventing us from conceiving. The medical profession's way of dealing with this little dilemma is to experiment.

So am I going to be a science experiment? Let's wait for Dr. S.

I know that I should just stay positive and hope for the best. But I'm fearful that I will end up like this girl. I mean 1 1/2 years ago I thought I'd get pregnant quickly. I was told miscarriages are common and figured I'd get pregnant soon after my miscarriage. But an entire year came and went without a pregnancy. Now I've seen a heavy duty doctor, a fertility specialist, but he can find nothing wrong with me. I don't want to have failed IUI's and then move onto IVF's that also fail. I want the roller coaster to stop. I don't want my hope to be shattered.

The Situation

Hubby loves his job. Hubby doesn't want to leave his job. He would do it for me, but I'm not asking. It is what it is. He will work these vile hours for gawd knows how long. They'll probably get better in 5 years and he'll be out of the office at 9ish (maybe). But even the higher-ups in his competitive work place work psycho ours. Anyhow, I really don't have 5-10 years to wait. I'm 28 with fertility issues, time is of the essence. I have no anger about this situation. I accept it. I willingly walked into my marriage with both eyes wide open. I have no regrets. I would marry my husband all over again (my utility is tied to his). Regarding balancing work/family -- it is what it is -- my responsibility.

So I have 2 options:

1) Say fuck it. If he can't be around to donate his sperm, he clearly can't be around to be a father. His work will always come first. Life is just me and hubby. We're happy. I'm EXTREMELY independent and have many options socially and professionally to have a fulfilled life.

2) Clearly recognize the situation and go forward with treatments. Be fulfilled and not resentful that child rearing will completely fall on me.

This post isn't to bitch about my situation. I have a wonderful husband. We live a very comfortable life. He's over-worked but happy b/c he relishes his job. Writing this post out hasn't changed my mind, it's given me clarity. I'm willing to proceed with fertility treatment to hopefully get preggo and be the primary and at times sole caregiver. Once in awhile I'll bitch in this blog. Like I said before, it is what it is.

I Am Disappointed

I don't give a shit if it's reasonable or not. I was supposed to start with IUI (inter-uterine-insemination) this month. Hubby is now going to be in NYC for work. He found out today. He leaves on Sunday and will come back who the fuck knows when. Frozen sperm is no where as good as fresh sperm. My last cylce of Clomid went to hell b/c he had to pull a fucking 3 straight all-nighters at his office. I just canceled my doctor's appointment.

I'm just disappointed. But I should have known how things operate with his career. There's talk of him going to Asia again. Great.

The Worst Pain of My Life

My reproductive endocrinologist (Dr. S) told me that this test would not hurt. He said it would feel like period cramps. I was slightly nervous. But whatev, I've had my period since age 12, I can deal with period cramps.

I was told to change into a flimsy hospital nightgown. I walked into the procedure room with hospital gown and rocking fuzzy suede slouchy boots. I lay on the cold metal table waiting for Dr. S. He came into the room and asked me to come closer to him with my legs spread. I felt uncomfortable. My OBGYN is a woman. Dr. S is a youngish man. I wished my husband were in the procedure room holding my hand. He performed a hysterosalpingogram. He inserted a catheter into my uterus. A dye was released. Immediately I had the worst cramps of my life. I can't even call them cramps. I felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly. As soon as the procedure was over I lay in the fetal position. I could hardly walk. A nurse had to help stand me up. Dr. S started talking to me about freezing eggs or some crazy shit. I was about to pass out. I hadn't eaten anything in 15 hours -- I had blood drawn that required fasting.

I foolishly got into my car and my hands were shaking. I was in no condition to drive. All I wanted to do was lie down in my bed. I was crying in the car because the pain was so incredibly intense. For the first time in my life I threw up from pain. My vomit was pure bile. Luckily I was able to pull over at a gas station as I puked my brains out. I was on the verge of calling 911. I just didn't think I was going to be able to make it home. I came close several times to fainting, it's such a weird head drain feeling. I unfortunately came home and found a good amount of blood on my panties and on my brand new Lucky jeans. Fuck!!!

Literally the worst pain of my life. I still have cramps but they're better. During the height of the pain I called my husband and said, "I can't do this. Fuck this fertility shit. I'm done." But now I feel much better. I have forgotten the horrible uterus pain. I'm back on board with plan fertility.

Dr. S is calling me tomorrow to discuss our fertility options.

Super Sperm

Hubby has super sperm. His sperm is double concentrated. He is a hard-working man, everywhere and every way.

I'm Tiny

Too all my friends and family, I always knew there was something wrong. I knew. I know my body. All of the stupid advice, "you should just not worry, it takes time, are you feeling stressed..." -- now I can say STFU. I decided to give myself a full year of "trying to conceive" before going to a fertility clinic and meeting with a reproductive endocrinologist. Hubby and I had a joint appointment yesterday.

I went to one of the leading fertility clinics in Los Angeles. The place was da bomb. The doctor's office was baller-esque and the waiting room looked like it was out of MTV's Cribs. Insane. I *helped* hubby with his semen analysis:) My doctor is the medical director of this insane fertility clinic. The doctor did a trans-vaginal ultrasound -- I haven't ovulated this cycle and will not be ovulating. He looked over my medical records and told me that my previous pregnancy was doomed b/c of the low as hell progesterone levels. My uterus is tiny, unusually so. My uterus is flipped. I have a procedure scheduled for Monday to check out my tubes. My doc believes that I have a 2-3% chance of conceiving naturally.

Good news:

• The doc knows I can get pregnant with some medical help. He said it'll be easier b/c of my age and if I were in my early 30's we'd have to be more aggressive. Jeez, early 30's is literally 1.5 years away!
• Hubby's health insurance covers basically everything. Yes, even many rounds of IVF for a $15 co-pay.

What's next? Hubby is leaving it all up to me. He says, "it's your body, I support you." I don't have all the information to yet make an informed choice about what's next. I think the next step is medical intervention and a test tube tubby. We shall see.

Resolutions 2008

1. Travel.
2. Go to church.
3. Stop being defeatist and marinating in despair. Instead be grateful and hopeful.
4. Eat healthier and not obsess about my body. Love my body.

The rest of my resolutions aren't necessarily in list form. I want to be a better person this year. A better wife, daughter, sister and friend. I want to embrace kindness. I want to be less judgmental.

2008 will be a better year. Love to you all.

The Dilemma

The holidays have been magical. Mostly because hubby's been on va-k. He has an obscene amount of va-k while I get 2 sucky weeks. I have little va-k left from my Taipei trip. Anyhow I am relishing in hubby. I get home from work and hubby's home. I get to have dinner with my husband EVERY single night. I go work out or for a hike and hubby comes with me. I go shopping for furniture and hubby's with me. I want a cup of java from Starbucks and hubby accompanies me. This is what it feels like to have a partner? I almost forgot the fun of coupledom. Life is just better with him by my side.

I love my social life. I love having friends. But. But. But. My husband while an extremely reserved person (unlike me!) is an insane.fucking.bowl.of.wild.all-consuming.fun. I sometimes think I make a hectic social calendar so I can avoid missing him. There I said it.

So we talked last night. The problem is his is damn job. INSANE hours. Why must he love his job? Hubby actually loves his [in my opinion] gawd awfully boring job. He could change professions but then he wouldn't be fulfilled. He'd change professions for me. But I would never ask him to. I can't. He loves what he does and that is a damn rare accomplishment.

So I'm stuck. His va-k is up on Sunday night. I wish I could freeze time. I guess I should just be happy for what I've got and I am. I just want more of it. Le Sigh to the millionth degree.