My Brother

My brother is the cutest thing alive. Literally -- the cutest. He's going to turn 23 in a few days... he's tall...broad shoulders....buff -- not the type of guy you would think would be a complete sweetie but he is and always has been.

Here are 2 memories that jump into mind (one new and one from the past):
-Old Memory: My first year of college my brother sent me an email and told me that he missed me and wanted to know when I was coming home to visit (he was in high school at this point -- but still a sweetie).
-New Memory: My birthday in August -- he planned a surprise party and cooked me a feast.

It's so awesome to have a sibling -- someone that always has your back -- FOREVER. There have been countless times when I have been a crying wreck and the only thing that calmed me down was a car ride with him -- just us chilling.

So what brings all this nostalgia? He had a rough semester at school and we talked tonight. The end of our conversation went like this:
Me: Don't be too sad about school b/c it's going to work out.
Brother: I know. I feel better. You know how it is, I always feel better about this stuff after I only talk to you.
I swear I almost died b/c I basically turned into a puddle of tears. I love you A!

I am so f***ing lucky to have so much incredible love in my life.

Non-meat-eater

Christmas was a blast and I have lots to share but I have food on the stove (and I don't want it to burn) -- so I'll be quick.

We had an interesting medley of people at my folks for Christmas. There were a few grad students that my parents adopted this Semester. They were all Hindu. We were talking about meat and one guy told me, "if you're gonna eat meat, you should be able to stomach the killing of the animal." I thought interesting.

The very next day we go to a holiday party (or after holiday party) at a friend of the family's. They own a huge lake and tons and tons of beautiful land. Hubby, my uncle and I go on a boat ride. They decide to go fishing and I'm immediately disturbed. The fish they pull up was adorable and suffocating. I felt so horrible. My uncle smashed a log over its head. I was freaking out. Then he decides to shoot a goose for my dad. I hear the gun go off and see this beautiful bird fall. Hubby runs to pick up the goose. All I remember was blood on the feathers and being extremely grossed out and sad.

They cooked the fish and the goose and ate it for dinner. I was disturbed but no one else around me was. I'm not saying that you have to be. I used to be what I call a commodity fettish-est. I could eat meat if it looked like a commodity -- in neat little Styrofoam containers with plastic wrap.

But not anymore. I am still disturbed and I can't eat meat anymore. I just made a hearty bowl of lentil/veggie soup. I'm off to eat.

New Year’s Resolution

So it’s the time of year to make the resolutions for the New Year, here they are….

1. Take care of my tummy – stop eating foods that contain gluten.
2. Commit to working out at least 3 times a week (walking 2 miles from the Caltrain to and from work is so incredibly lame for me). I remember when I could see my sexy tricep lines and now I just have skinny arms…
3. Seriously brush up on Spanish. Use it whenever I get a chance. Maybe I should read Spanish vocab on the Caltrain versus snoozing.
4. Brush up on my Bengali and start learning either Hindi or Punjabi.
5. Yoga once a week.
6. Meditate every night with my mala beads. If I’m as serious about my spiritual development than I need to make a routine and stick with it.
7. Wake up early before I go to work so I’m not running out of the house like a mad woman and yelling at my poor hubby.
8. Stay motivated to find my destiny. Not get complacent at this cushy job that I think is killing my brain cells.

Ohm

The Power of the Universe

I met an old man who led me in the direction of finding my spiritual teacher. He just appeared to me literally out of nowhere. I don't even have the words to really express what I experienced -- it's not tangible. It's not something I can explain intellectually if that makes any sense.

I've been chanting Ohm every morning (still need to buy mala beads). He taught me that the answers I'm looking for are not in my head and I need to search deeper. He also taught me that there is meaning in everything and I need to stop desperately looking for what is right in front of me. He taught me that happiness is fleeting and only replaced with misery and what I should seek is contentment. He taught me that my spirit is old and I have answers within and we are one consciousness. He taught me to approach every task with, "I need to remember how to do this" rather than "I need to learn."

I feel like I'm going somewhere that I've only dreamt of entering and I'm scared and dying with anticipation at the same time. There is so much that happened this weekend and I can only share brief snippets of this orgasmic discovery but wish I could share it all.

Friends

As much as I love Cali -- I do miss the East Coast. All of my bestest friends in the entire world are 3,000 miles away. It's gotten so much harder as I get older to make good friends. Being in school made it easy -- I was surrounded by tons of my peers.

I miss just hanging out! I miss being able to just go over a friend's house and doing absolutely nothing and being able to enjoy that and feeling totally comfortable. Now I feel like I have to make "plans" -- let's get together for lunch, drinks, tea, etc. I miss the days of hanging out with P and R -- eating snacks, listening to Depeche Mode and thinking we were bad asses.

People are starting to get married, getting very busy with work, family... blah blah blah. Where are the chilling days when we had oodles of time to hang with our friends?

I know I'm to blame too. I don't make the time to really know people and make room for them in my life. I don't put forth as much effort as I should (tsk tsk -- I'm giving myself a stern look). Maybe it's nostalgia, but I swear, once upon a time, there really was no effort when it came to making friends.

Once upon a time I would get in the car and drive spontaneously to Montreal, drive to NYC in the middle of the night, fly across the country for a weekend trip, throw martini parties.... I used to have this amazing social life.

OH GOD -- I'm becoming pedestrian.

Ode to Hubby

Hubby is my anchor. I couldn't have dreamed of having a more amazing hubby.

He's always put our relationship first. It's inspiring. It's everything he does from the spectacular to the mundane. Today he noticed that it might rain on my walk home from work and stopped by my office to drop off an umbrella with a bouquet of flowers!!! I never have to ask with him -- he just knows me so intimately.

Thank you for putting up with my crazy-ness. Thank you for believing in me . You are my life force. I know it's all possible b/c my husband never lets me give up. He accepts me as I am and pushes me towards greatness.

My utility is tied to his.

Money $$$

I have a hate love relationship with money. The one thing I do love about money is that it gives you tons of luxuries such as being able to book a ticket to NYC whenever I want to visit my best friend. Or just being to visit a friend or family member when they need me. Generally it takes the kind of stuff that I don't agree with to make tons of cash -- I don't believe in slaving away at the office or taking a job that you hate or doing something that makes your stomach churn to make tons of cash.

But saying all of this my sweet grandma is in a nursing home. It breaks my heart. She's so kind and loving. But the medical expenses in taking care of her are too much for my uncles and they put her in a home. I know I shouldn't think of the nursing home as being this evil place but I can't help it. It's sad to think she might die in there. She doesn't even speak English -- how will she be able to communicate with the nurses? Bengali isn't a common language. If they had tons of cash they could hire all the medical support they needed and she could stay at her home.

It's not death that I have a problem with. I know that we aren't immortal. It's the suffering that hurts. It's dying alone that hurts.

Miserable Excuses

I feel like I've been making up excuses my entire life in order to vindicate the choices that I've made -- well the mistakes really. I'm so tired of myself saying well I was going to do this wonderful thing but then this got in the way and it all worked out so it's okay, right? God that is such a chicken shit answer.

I am accountable for my choices. I need to keep repeating that to myself. I can either have a mediocre life or a terrific one and I control that. Right now being married, it's easy to avoid the question, "what do I want to do,"and sort of let my partner set the pace. My husband is not telling me what to do; it's easier to just not think about it. It's easier to not think about my career and instead just agonize about his. In one word pathetic - when did I lose my ambition?

I remember a time when I was so sure of myself. I really believed I was a strong, intelligent, and powerful woman (I miss that girl). When did that fade? It's like I lost all belief in myself.

Well I acknowledge where I am at this moment. I have to change. Change comes from self-realization. Well I guess I'm somewhere (even though I don't know what that exactly means).

Quasi-Spiritual Journey?

Okay, here I go -- I'm nervous to start posting on my blog. For the past few weeks I've had the urge to post a blog. I'm not sure when or why the urge started. It's just been there...nagging at me.

I'm part of this amazing women's circle in San Francisco and these ladies have inspired me to search within myself regarding what I believe. I don't know what I believe. I was raised Catholic and totally down with JC and generally all messiahs. I'm surrounded my spiritual people like my best friend PB. But instead of knowing what I believe or understanding anything at all I'm just plain confused.

So this blog is to document my journey to find God (or whatever you'd like to call him/her or whatever).