The Horrid Dream

I'm 5 weeks 5 days today. YAY!!! I have my 6 week check-up on Friday.

Last night I had a horrible dream. During the day I can block my mind from having fears of miscarriages and abnormal pregnancies... but my subconscious is an entirely different matter. Hubby and I were in Dr. S's office. The office was in Taipei. I suspect my dream took place in Taipei b/c I walked by an OGBYN's office near my hotel daily which had a beautiful picture of a pregnant woman. I'd look at her with envy. Dr. S told us that the gestational sac didn't look normal and we'd miscarry soon. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

I woke up so grateful that it was all just a dream. What about some cutesy preggo dreams instead????

Everyone.. send some good thoughts my way. I'm a tad bit nervous about my ultrasound on Friday.

5 Weeks Pregnant

I'm at least 5 weeks pregnant today!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeding Tubby

I've always been conscious about what I've put into my body. Not that I'm saying I'm always healthy, but I'm aware. Now that I'm preggo, that means so much more to me. I constantly think -- what is tubby getting from what I'm putting in my mouth?

It looks like my calories are to remain the same for the first trimester. My in-laws are here and they'll say silly things like, "you're eating for two now." Uhm, no I'm not. I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow and tubs will be 1.25 mm long. Tubs is tiny.

I need a quick easy breakfast b/c I eat it at my office. I bring a packet of TJ's heart healthy blueberry oatmeal. Lunch is a salad made of mixed greens, shreeded carrots, sweet juicy cherry/plum tomatoes, crunchy pickled organic green beans, brown French lentils and a low fat dressing. I generally get hungry late in the afternoon and follow up with a banana or some fruit. I leave the office at 6 and I may/may not be hungry so I keep a bag of carrots in the fridge and a wholesome granola bar low in sugar in my office. Dinner is where things change up a bit. I'm tired and don't want to slave over the stove. If I cook I usually make an egg white omelet, side of black beans, maybe one corn tortilla and some veggies. Otherwise I'll order takeout which is lean protein (size of a deck of cards), non-white high fiber carb and some veggies. In Los Angeles it is remarkably easy to order healthy delicious take out from restaurants.

I know I need to add more calcium into my diet. I think it's time to add yogurt to my lunch/breakfast routine or maybe a glass of milk as a snack. Time to call Dilly about some advice. How awesome is it to have a bff that is a clinical nutritionist?

Tagged: To Write a 6 Word Poem

Pregnant
Again
Belly filled with hope

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Tazzy Star just tagged me to write a six word poem. Clearly my pregnancy is on my thoughts. The above pic is from December 2006 when I was last pregnant. My skin was glowing. My breasts full. My belly fully of hope. What's strange, is that I will be due around the time I had my first miscarriage -- almost 2 years later.

I have to physically push the fears out of my mind about miscarriages and abnormal pregnancies. Everything is going just fine right now and that's all I have, but it's enough. On my drive to work, I chastised myself for having any doubts or pessimism. First all I wanted was just to ovulate -- then I wanted to just conceive -- then I just wanted the HCG numbers to double -- and now I want to see a heartbeat. Enough with the "just want this" mentality.

The six word memoir rules are:

write your own six word memoir.

post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like.

link to the person that tagged you in your post.

tag five more blogs with links.

leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

Swimming in a Sea of JOY

The clinic called.

HCG levels on Monday = 344
HCG levels today = 776

They more than doubled!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tubby is doing well. The clinic thinks I'm 5 wks 3 days but I know when I ovulated and I think I'm 4 weeks 5 days. I have an appointment next Friday for an ultrasound and hopefully we'll be able to hear see a heartbeat.

I can't express in words how happy I am. I'm on a unbelievable high. Happiness dripping from every pore. My cheeks hurt from smiling. I can't believe it!!!!! I love you Tubby!!!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hoping, Wishing & Praying

I drew blood today. The nurse said my numbers from Monday were fantastic!!!! The beta results will be in late afternoon and they MUST double. Come on tubs, hang in there!

Hubby pulled an all-nighter at the office. He's been working for 24 hours straight at this point and it'll probably be 36 hours by the time he comes home. My poor sleepy husband immediately takes my calls no matter how deep he's buried in work. I chatted with him on the phone while I brushed my teeth:

Me: I'm tired. I went to bed late last night.
Hubby: WHAT??? You need to call out sick. You need to rest. Tubby and you need rest.

CUTE. CUTE OVERLOAD. He has been beyond adorable... I can cry thinking about how amazing of a father he is going to be.

Burrow deeper, little dude

I confirmed my suspiciouns on Saturday via a digital pregnancy test. My breasts hurt, I had heartburn and I wanted to pass out whenever I took a walk. Something was off. The test turned "pregnant" within 45 seconds. My doctor called me yesterday with the beta test results which are *drumroll please* 345!!!

Guideline to hCG levels during pregnancy:
hCG levels in weeks from LMP (gestational age)* :
3 weeks LMP: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml (this is where I am)
5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml

* These numbers are just a GUIDELINE-- every woman’s level of hCG can rise
differently. It is not necessarily the level that matters but rather the change
in the level.

*Gestational age is usually considered to be the age of an embryo or fetus (or newborn infant) from the first day of the woman's last menstrual period (LMP).

How far along am I? DPO (18 days) + 14 days = 32 days or a little over 4 weeks.

I ovulated on April 4th. We probably conceived that weekend in New York. Damn good thing I followed hubby to NYC for sper-um. The little dude didn't implant in my uterus until about 7-10 days after April 4th and started getting nutrients from me!

I go in for another beta test tomorrow. The numbers should double (think good thoughts about tubby). My doctor was SUPER optimistic on the phone. After the second beta which hopefully will be kosher I will go in for an ultrasound in 2 weeks, hear tubby's heart beat, and move on from fertility specialist to an ordinary OBGYN.

Due date: 12/26/08 +/- 2 weeks

Numbers

19 months of trying to conceive

2 failed pregnancies

still counting....

What is wrong with me... I am in such a blah mood. BLAH.

Here's a cute pic from happier times this weekend:

On A Cali Poppy High

Moon and I trekked out to see poppies in Lancaster on Saturday. They were beautiful. Bright shades or orange. Poppies flourishing in the wild. The sun was shining and made my brown skin glow. I felt strong and full of bliss.

This week my body is feeling so run down. I've felt woozy on and off. Queasy here and there. I'm on 12 dpo. I know, don't obsesses. I don't want to set myself up for heart break if I get a BFN (big fat negative pregnancy test). So, I'm going to try to forget all of this and marinate in the bliss of the Cali poppy high.

Terrified, Yet Confident

A few of you (IRL buds) approached me about my cryptic career post via text messages, gmail chats and phone calls. I told you part of the story -- a tiny minuscule part of the story (maybe not even part of the story) about a certain job with the State of CA. I just hadn't actualized the rest or wasn't willing to admit what's really in my heart. The rest is going to change my life here in Los Angeles. Lots of shaking up.

I didn't even say the words until today to my husband. Hubby and I discussed it. He told me his fears and reservations. I shared mine. He was surprised by my decision. Ultimately, he supports me.

Yes, I'm scared. I'm taking a HUGE risk. But I am ready. And more importantly, I'm happy.

The Sad Truth About Relationships

This is hella depressing. I'm grateful it isn't my life.

The Sad Truth About Relationships

It's Clear As Mud

Having children terrifies me. Right now life is pretty freaking awesome. I get to jet set around the world. If my husband is on a business trip, I can book a ticket and join him with no worries. If a friend invites me to an impromptu happy hour, I just need some lip gloss and I'm ready to go. More importantly, I can be completely and totally self-absorbed.

I absolutely adore my life in Los Angeles.

Kick ass husband -- Check
Kick ass friends -- Check
Kick ass social life -- Check

I can party like a rock star -- as evidenced from this pic last week at a party in the Hollywood Hills where I had a bit too much fun.

A baby will ruin my social life. I know this sounds so shallow. I know it does. But my social life is important to me. So much of my identity comes from work and my social circle. I'm terrified that I'm going to absolutely resent my children. My co-worker, who's 29, has 2 kids and she told me "I love my kids but I don't know if I should of have them. I'm envious of your life."

I like my freedom. I'm not done exploring, discovering and working on ME. Yes, ME ME ME b/c I am self-obsessed.

But. But. But. I know I'll want kids one day. And I have fertility issues. And my doctor has said thank gawd I'm trying now. But I think it would be better if I could wait until I was 35, maybe even 40!

Yeah, this is all clear as mud. Maybe I'm just selfish.

Unbelievably Exhausted

I miss my husband. He's been getting home around midnight. I haven't been able to stay awake to see him or have sex!!! It's been 2 days of NO SEX and I'm feeling very sexually deprived. Last night, I made it a mission to stay awake. I sent hubby sexy text messages about what we would do at night. I took a shower and got all gussied up. I watched a documentary on female orgasms (I love all things about sex) and passed out around 10:30 pm. I mean passed out on the couch cold. I woke up at 6:45 am after I snoozed a million times. I thought about calling out sick from work b/c I am so fuckin' tired. I'm currently drinking black coffee. I need to stay awake tonight, I want to get laid.

I don't know if I'm feeling this way from the HCG trigger shot or from actual pregnancy. I felt this way last month, when i was pregnant for about 2 days. It's probably the trigger shot. But this sucks. I hate being so low energy, especially when it impacts my sex life. I NEED TO HAVE SEX TONIGHT.

Dreaming & Pursuing

I've done a lot of bitching and moaning. Tons of woe is me! Perhaps, along the way I lost a bit of drive, ambition and self-confidence. It was hard to see clearly when my head was in my ass, marinating in confusion. Then the fertility issues started. I got even more off track.

I've been doing some reflecting. There was one job that I really enjoyed. It's the aspect of my current job that I not only enjoy but am good at. Maybe it'll never be my full-time job. But maybe it will be. All I can do is try. So that's what I'm doing. I did some research. Sent a few resumes. I can start by volunteering on Mondays, my day off every week.

I'm ready to shake things up.

Yes, I know this post is cryptic. In time, I'll reveal what it is that I love to do.

Partying and Drugs to Follow

Tonight Moon and I are partying in some mansion in the Hillz!!! Afterwards, she (being kick ass) is going to inject me with my trigger shot @ 5:30 AM. And then I fly to NYC @ 3:20 tomorrow... see hubby, shag, see friends and shag some more.

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Above, is a pic of me FREAKING OUT last time from the trigger shot. Fun times.

Flying to NYC for Sperm

Seriously. No joke. Laugh.

Hubby called around 5:30 pm:

Hubby: Don't be mad..
Me: What's up?
Hubby: I have to fly to NYC for work. I leave tomorrow at 3 pm.
Me: I'm not mad. But do you know how hard it is for me to make eggs? Our doctor is billing our insurance anyway since we already started the cycle... Man this sucks. What are are going to do? Can you fly back to drop off some spooge on Friday?
Hubby: Uhm, no. I plan on being back Sunday night but it could theoretically be weeks....
Me: I think I may weep.
Hubby: Fly out to NYC?

I found an amazing price for a ticket. I arrive in NYC at 11:30 pm on Thursday and leaving at 8:30 pm on Monday.

Who wants to party?