I just want to die…

That’s what my dad keeps saying. We’re visiting my parents for the weekend and it’s utterly depressing. My dad feels horrible. He looks like a living corpse. All he does is smoke bud to try and alleviate the pain and lie down on the floor moaning in pain. He simply isn’t doing well. He just repeats over and over that all he wants is to die.

I feel bad that I hate being here. I remember the days when my dad would make jokes, say outrageous things and we would just have a good time. The laughter is gone now. There’s nothing that I can say or do that makes him feel better.

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I’m afraid that it’ll never be the way it used to be.

Happy Holidays Indeed

My mother grates on my nerves like none other, but I love her. We were on the phone for an hour or so yesterday and it was easy (for once). Granted, I am very embarrassed that she mailed several baked items to my work address, at a federal agency mind you. She didn't even bat an eye as she told me the following: “What? I couldn’t find you. You didn’t return my phone calls. I had to mail you gluten-free fruit cake and Bengali pastries, it’s the HOLIDAYS, and you need them. Since you REFUSED to call me back, I pulled out your business card and found your work address. What’s the big deal?”

Yesterday I was pissed; today the story makes me laugh. Gotta love the crazy family.

Why I Started This Blog

Let’s take a look back to October 2005, shall we? I still don’t know where my relationship with God currently stands. Admittedly, I am a bad Catholic and rarely go to Mass (I routinely miss the High Holidays – gasp).

After the miscarriage I was livid with anger towards God. I prayed everyday of my pregnancy that my baby would be healthy. I thought babies were God’s domain b/c we simply understand little of the mysteries of pregnancy and why miscarriages truly happen, and the rhetoric the doctor gives, “must have been a chromosomal abnormality” isn’t a sufficient explanation. I thought for sure God heard my prayers. Why not? I hadn’t simply gotten knocked up. This baby was planned and deeply wanted. Hubby and I waited 2+ years to get preggers so that we would be emotionally and financially sound as well as provide us a couple of years of just couple time. Yes, I thought if anyone deserves bringing a baby into this world it’s me and hubby.

I realized that God was not listening to my prayers on Saturday night when the bleeding turned heavy, the cramping started and a large clot passed through me. I shook my fist toward the Heavens and yelled to Him, “Why couldn’t you just have given me this? Why did I get pregnant just to miscarry? This isn’t fair. Plenty of people in this world curse at their bellies hoping for a miscarriage and yet they carry their baby to full term. Why did you not listen to my prayers?” God gave me no answers and I told Him to fuck off.

Then there are all of you. Your support and love through comments, emails and silent prayers/meditations have cocooned me in a healing light. I know the simple reason that I am able to start the healing process regarding my baby’s loss is because of you. I can feel this positive energy surround me. While my faith is far from being fully restored, your positive energy has brought me closer to the Higher Power I call God.

To all of you: thank you for your love and support.

Letter Not Meant To Alienate Anyone*

Dear Family & Friends:

Yes, my miscarriage was confirmed this morning via ultrasound.

Please do not call me and ask me how I am doing. I could smile and laugh and tell you that I was okay but that would be pointless. I am fucked up right now. And no, I don’t want to talk about my feelings. I’m not ready to talk about “it”.

Don’t give me your sympathy or pity because I simply don’t want it. Please do not send me holiday cheer because Christmas can go fuck itself. No holiday cheer here, thank you very much.

I am not trying to be mean, but I haven’t gotten a new cell phone as of yet, even though I feel crippled with my cell phone being dead, because I don’t want to talk to you and answer the “how are you feeling” questions. Please understand.

And really, no advice. I don’t need your advice on soldiering up or how time heals all wounds. Thanks, keep the clichés for some other tortured soul.

All I can do right now is simply be. It’s hard enough to get out of bed. I can’t do anymore than that right now. Maybe in the near future I can transform from just “being” to “living”. Don’t hold your breath.

Fucked Up,

Bengali Chick

*Please don’t be offended. I am not trying to offend anyone. I know my friends and family are amazing. I just want to get through this alone and I know that when I’m ready to come to you, you will be there. Love you.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Yes Rolling Stones you are correct. We will always face challenges and adversity in life. No way of getting around it.... just don't know how the dice will roll. I suppose all we can control are our reactions to these hardhips that we face: let our obstacle consume us or roll with the punches . The latter is easier said that done.

Granted the question that always enters our minds in the face of hardship is the "why me God, why me?"

Well Depece Mode you said it just right in Blasphemous Rumours:
I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find Him laughing

Roll with the punches, eh? Peace.

New Definition for a Good Friend

Last night Roonie came over to watch the re-runs of the Thursday night NBC line up and feast on vegetarian nachos and Reed's ginger ale. In between heaping my black bean concotion on top of the nachos I felt a gush in my panties. Generally the gush is nothing but normal discharge in the first trimester... but I being a crazy one had to check it out. It wasn't clear discharge, it was spotting and my mind raced with thoughts of miscarriage. On the positive side the color was brown and not red, meaning the blood was not fresh (good sign). I of course did a swipe and ran out of the bathroom for Roonie to inspect. She then did internet research on miscarriages to calm me down.

I have an apointment at 1:45 PM today -- wish me luck (I'm trying to stay calm).

RECAP: You have a good friend when you feel comfortable enough to show her what the va-ja-ja is expelling and the same night do research on the political situation in Iran.

Family Track? Career Track?

My friend sent me this article yesterday and it got me thinking about marriage and family. It was a very interesting read.

There is no right or wrong way to live one’s life. You do your best to figure out what it is that is important to you and try to manifest that into a reality. Marriage and children aren’t for everyone. Making it one’s life goal to have simply a successful career isn’t for everyone.

What pisses me off is that of late I have encountered many thickheaded people. You know the type – the ones that argue to ad nauseum for the sake or arguing. The kind of people that are so foolish they can’t see any point of view other than their own. The same fucks that simply argue their position to vindicate the decisions they have made in their life. Yes I hate you people b/c you are simply too stupid and arrogant to possibly imagine that there maybe merit to living a life different from yours.

What is maturity? To me, maturity is being able to think through your actions, see the possible ramifications and make a choice that best fits your life b/c you as a mature person have put in the time and effort to truly know yourself. The institution of marriage or the act of creating a family in itself does not deem someone mature. If I hear one more person say, “when you grow up and mature you’ll see… you’ll get married” – what the fuck does that mean? Do we know the divorce rate in America? What about those couples that have a shitty marriage (b/c mind you they should never have gotten married and only did so b/c they're the settling type) and decide to have a child to save their marriage – wow that is surely a sign of maturity. Get off the maturity bandwagon.

Why did I get married? How do I put in tangible words that I found someone that inspires me to be a better person, someone who inspires me to be more of an independent thinker, someone who’s love nourishes me and gives me strength? I found a man who became my family and I wanted to honor that love and cherish that relationship. This is where the line between need and choice, complete and incomplete all get fuzzy. I simply cannot imagine my life without him. I am not mature b/c I got married; I am mature to realize the sanctity of our relationship.

New Baby Blog

I've been battling with the idea of starting a baby blog separate from this blog and finally decided against it. This is my blog and bengalic chic is morphing into HOT bengali mamma bear and I don't want to administer 2 blogs -- one will surely get neglected -- so EFF that.

I heart my friends, but all of them are unmarried and certainly child-less. I needed a forum where I could talk to other moms-to-be and found justmommies today. I joined the August Due Date Club where other moms-to-be are going to be due in August 2007. How exciting is that? I love it! I've found an online community -- yippers skippers. I thought I was totally nutzo constantly worrying about this baby's viability, being scared shitless about a miscarriage, wanting to take a pregnancy test everyday just to be sure I am still preggers -- BUT talking to other moms, I'm starting to feel normal, espeically after hearing similar feelings from other pregnant ladies. Maybe we're all a little hormonal (= NUTZO).

In other baby news, I puked a good 7 times in my office waste basket today. All I can say is god bless the privacy of offices. I'm a quiet puker, so I'm hoping my neighbor didn't hear my vomit-osis. Baby doesn't like soy milk in the morning and baby does not like it when I drink water after lunch.

I'm hungry as HELL today. I chowed down pretty quickly on my tandoori chicken and basmati rice, now it's all gone... *Sigh*

Cool Office-Mates

My co-workers are pretty effing cool -- fun and quirky. My office-neigbor had previously told me that she was going to teach me how to thread my facial hair. I love anything that has to do with removing hair so of course I was siked. Today she came into my office with one piece of thread in her mouth, asked me to take off my glasses and completely took off all unwanted facial hair. This chica even gave me a tutorial on how to thread at home. My face feels baby soft!

Love it.

Feisty Little One

This was probably one of the most miserable weekends of my life. Let me start by saying that all the pain and discomfort I am going through is worth it for the little one growing in my belly. Even though it's surreal that hubby and I have created a life, I am in so in love with this baby. I spent all of Saturday puking my brains out. Everytime I drank water I would puke it up. It got so bad that hubby and I went to the ER around 12:30 AM. The doctor diagnosed me with hyperemesis gravidarum which basically translates to -- hormones in body from baby causes puking one's brains out. I am deathly afraid of needles, yes I know, I best get used to it while being preggers. The nurse stuck me with a needle as I needed an IV... my hand turned so cold and it was utterly uncomfortable. I couldn't even look at the needle.

My Salvation: My best friend and her lovely advice. BF is a clinical nutritionist and she pulled out her notes from a maternity class and suggested that I try ginger tea and real gingerale. The ginger really calms down my tummy along with rice crackers. This baby is having a field day in my belly.

Then the cramps started last night. We of course called doctor sahib and he explained that it was normal to feel cramping in the lower left quadrant as it was indication of my uterus expanding. Baby is snuggling up inside of mamma-bear.

My husband has been an angel. He's taken such good care of me this weekend. Even my MIL and mom have been amazing. Both were willing to fly down as soon as I started the non-stop puking. I feel truly blessed.

I'm going to stay at home today and take it easy and hopefully tomorrow I will feel up to going to work. As much as all of this sucks, I am so excited that my little Benjabi is here (Bengali + Punjabi = Benjabi)