My friend’s father passed away and of it completely saddened me. Death put me at a loss for words. I didn’t know what to say or do to be able to comfort my friend. In reality, there is probably nothing I can do except keep his father and him in my heart and prayers.
This in turn led me to start thinking about my own father. My dad has always been spirited and passionate. He’s my hero. My dad’s diabetes led to kidney failure which in turn led to hemo-dialysis.. he got a kidney transplant a year later… then he got cancer… which led to the chemo… which led to I don’t know where.
It was surreal to hear him on the phone last night tell me that he feels sick all the time and everything always hurts. What am I supposed to say to that? I haven’t even started to acknowledge the fact that he may not get better. I can’t deal with that. My husband tells me to prepare myself – what does that mean, I can’t even comprehend that.
I just feel massively guilty. Do I see him enough? Am I there for him enough? Can I be doing more? Whatever I’ve done for him pales in comparison to the way he has always been there for me. How do I feel good about that? What is my role supposed to be right now?
One of my vivid memories about my dad is when I was 10 years old and we were at Riverside Amusement Park in Western Massachusetts. My mom wouldn’t go on any of the rides because she was scared. But my dad and I were a team; we ran to every crazy ride and cried out in sheer delight as the speed of the roller coaster made us lose our breathe and caused our tummies to drop. We ran around eating cotton candy and ice-cream. Now he’s at home, by himself most of the day while my mom works, with little energy to enjoy anything. Thank god medical marijuana is legal in California because it is the only thing that makes him feel good and alleviate the pain (eff anyone who is against medical marijuana).
I don’t want my dad to be sick. I don’t want him to ever die. I want to be able to freeze time because I feel like I’m running out of it.
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5 comments:
Hi Ani, I am doing alright. It goes in cycles. The only thing you can do is send good thoughts, which is what you are doing!
Now I understand why blunts are close to your heart.
If you are already asking yourselves these questions now, think how much worse you will feel once he is gone. Spend as much time with him as possible. Seriously. I wrote that story on my site in hopes that others would do what I hadn't.
Wow, I love your writing. I can very much relate to how you feel about your dad. My dad was diagnosed with a degenerative physical condition (which means he'll probably end up in a wheelchair in a few years), and it's really incomprehensible. We're a big family-vacation family, and have always been, but now, we can only do very limited activity vacations. It breaks my heart.
I never think of your dad as anything but healthy. You never talk about it (really), he seems a-okay. But maybe his condition is something you should deal with - and spend time with him before you can't.
AK: I'm glad you're doing alright. I'm here if you need me.
Bidi: This is what I struggle with, spending as much time as possible. How far do I take that? He's in NoCal while I'm in SoCal, do I take leave from work? It's just so hard when it feels like we're in different states. I wish he was next door or in LA. Thanks for the advice though.
Mango: Thank you. I'm sorry about your dad. I feel solidarity knowing there are others sharing similar pain in their respective lives. It gives me hope that somehow I will get through this even when my heart is breaking.
Roonie- I know didn't he look so great when you saw him for my b-day? I'm hoping that on turkey-day he looks that way, all smiley. That's how I like it.
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