Assumptions and more assumptions. For the first 2 years of marriage I brought home the $$. Yet, it is always assumed by family that I have to go where hubby's career calls him.I feel stuck in a precarious place. He's got one of those high powered prestigious jobs. Now he makes significantly more than me. I work in the public sector and with the salary difference I am *starting* to feel that my career is more expendable (scary).It's besides the point that I am not fond of law or law school or my current related position. I don't like to feel that my career is expendable. I want a 2nd career and a fabulous one. Perhaps I haven't realized my career dreams but it doesn't mean I don't want one!
I posted the above comment on a blogger bud's (Lag Liv) blog. My comment got me thinking about why I hate the law so much and am so vehemently opposed to a career choice that I put good money and effort into. I worked at a law firm as a Summer and I hated it. I worked at the Attorney General's Office and I hated it (anti-trust law, gag me with a spoon NOW). I was a Mediator for a local Court and I loved it. My job now is quasi-legal (more legal than not) and it's okay.
I am planning on staying home with tubs and bubs until they reach school age. I think all the time about a second career. My second career fantasies never have anything to do with the law. Ever. However, a career is important to me.
Here's the thing about me -- I am a *giver upper*. When things aren't going my way, I walk away. I like the sunny and the new. I went to law school because I was confused and a professional degree seemed like a good idea at the time. Things seemed to go wrong right after graduation. The CalBar was not my friend. I hated the firm(s) I worked for. I wanted to walk away and I did. But now I'm afraid to walk back, even a step.
I dunno. I just don't. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know if I really don't like law. I don't know if I'm just chicken shit. I just know that I want a fabulous career and simultaneously be the fabulous mother and fabulous wife who is there for her family. Is it wrong to want so much fabulous-ness while being so utterly confused?
[Update]: After I get pregnant I'm taking the MPRE (again since it expired) and plan on studying for the Bar while being at home with Tubs. Do you know how good it feels to type that? I need to conquer this ghost and move on.
9 comments:
I went to law school because I was confused and a professional degree seemed like a good idea at the time.
A lot of people ask me whether they should go to law school and the first thing I tell them is if they're feeling the above sentiment, they don't belong in law school. Way too many people go to law school without a good reason for being there. I'm convinced this is why so many lawyers are unhappy with their careers and are forced to use the money as a salve.
MB: You are right. I should NEVER EVER have gone to law school. But I did. I wasted 3 years and threw money trying to solve my confusion. Now I have ghosts for giving up the law route. And that's hard to swallow.
most of my friends are involved in public interest law, and as hard as it is, they love what they do and the impact they have on real people's lives. i often wonder if i should have gotten a law degree instead of going into the sciences, just because of the impact they've had.
I hated law school, too. But you and I, we are a lot alike, and like I told you, maybe we owe it to ourselves to try the profession out. So who knows!
i think everyone feels like there is something else, something more satisfying they could have done with their lives. it's the curse of being a multi-talented, multi-interested person. i often think i'd be happier as a chef, or back in the nonprofit sector (where i started out) but right now i'm trying my hand at being a small business owner and consultant.
i don't think it's ever wrong to walk away from something that makes you miserable, or try something out that you think would really give your a sense of fulfillment. but, as i am finding out, nothing-- not career, not friends, not family-- give me a total sense of fulfilment. i have too many dreams to be satisfied with just one thing.
i've come to the conclusion that the best work/job is one that includes the most of what i like and the least of what i don't. right now, its consulting, because i will be able to stay home to raise kids when they come along and it allows me to handle home life responsibilities at my time and pace. i do miss office cameradierie, but is a small price to pay.
rather than thinking its an all or nothing deal with law, what if you considered what about it you liked and what you don't. then try and find something that includes those aspects. clearly you liked enough about law to finish law school. what were those things? what did you like about being a court mediator?
too often we think that the path is all or nothing, when i think we can shape it to be what we need when we need it.
good luck.
I totally feel you on this post. My hubby works as a CPA/Auditor for CBS Corp. and he travels/works hard, but finds it all very rewarding. He's very ambitious about his career and has never regretted his career choice or the struggles that have come along with it.
I, on the other hand, am pursuing a Ph.D in Comparative Literature. I love all things related to South Asian Lit. But I've been all over the place career/school-wise. I've worked in both the fields of Journalism and Public Relations and even took the LSATs, going as far to apply to schools, get accepted, and then totally last minute say, "No, literature is for me!"
At 27, I can say I'm still finding myself professionally and personally. I hope to teach eventually way, wayyy down the road but would love to do something in publishing first.
I'm with you, I want to stay home with my kids during their formative early years. I am lucky that my hubby supports this dream and can support us financially. In a year or so when I'm ABD, I hope to bring this dream to fruition.
That's why I find your journey so wonderful, because I can relate so much. You have a wonderful family and husband, but you're still searching for yourself and figuring things out and feeling that maternal itch. I can *so* relate. I also love your honesty.
Wow K&K is definitely someone I need to add to my blogroll. That is my problem right now. I'm an Eng. Lit major and I've loved loved loved Lit since before I can remember. I also always loved sexuality and was interested in what turns humans on. Before college, I was lucky that my parents never pushed me to go into anything specific, but I myself decided I wanted to have this go-getter type career with lots of $$. I love my major right now, and I want to get a degree in both lit and sexuality studies, so where does law come in? I feel that an Eng major or Sex Stud. major has so little to choose from. I mean I don't want to be fresh out of grad school with loans and no job. That's where law school came in because I felt, hm, a professional degree means at least I have an anchored goal and I have some job scope to look out to. But I don't enjoy it all! At all!! I'm studying for the LSAT's right now and they suck. I just want to be a nice sex therapist or professor or maybe work with a non-profit organization. I hate thinking about all this.
Ganesh: maybe I'll give public interest a try.
Roonie: Let's see where this adventure takes us. Take the Bar when I take it so we can be mizzy together.
KnK: Uhm you really are amazing. I'm going to keep reading you comment everytime I freak out.
Scorps: Thank you:) Everyday I change my mind on what I want to do. I am all over the place. But we do have wonderful hubby's/families/friends... the professional shizz we'll figure out. Right?
Esha: Don't do the law thing if you don't want to be a lawyer... it's a BIG ASS waste of time. If you love sexuality and all of that stuff be a therapist or psychologist... Therapists get jobs! I'm telling you I wouldn't go to lawschool if I could do it all over again. There's not a lot of money in law unless you work for a big firm. I call it middle class insurance.
I second that advice. Don't go to law school if you don't want to be a lawyer. It's not a general professional degree; it's specific and might close a lot of doors to you. Don't do that to yourself, or you'll regret it your whole life. And you'll have the gobs of loans to remind you of your mistake.
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