It's 1:06 AM on Sunday morning and I can't sleep. I'm at my in-laws. We arrived to the Bay late Friday night. It's easy being here. Both my MIL and FIL are in awesome health. There aren't any worries here. No worries about cancer. No worries about money. Our biggest worry is coordinating a family trip to Cabo San Lucas.I feel guilty that I don't want to leave the Bay and head up to see my own family in Sacramento at 8 am (less than 7 hours away). My mom is in CT this weekend. My brother is watching my dad b/c he really can't function on his own. Tomorrow(I guess today) I will watch my dad until my mom flies back around 10 PM. I spoke to my dad for a minute yesterday. I couldn't understand him. He can hardly speak. I feel so guilty for writing this -- and I am a bad person for feeling this -- I do NOT want to deal with this. I'm not looking forward to seeing him. I am so scared.
I feel like I am just waiting for my dad to die. Instead of being happy for every moment I get to spend with him, I feel incredible anxiety. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just feel like fucking crying. This is so fucking miserable. I don't feel ready to deal with any of this and I hate myself for it.
9 comments:
I don't think you're at all bad for saying and thinking that- you're just being honest and that's a brave thing to be. I truly don't believe that anyone in your situation is without those thoughts.
I'm thinking of you.
I've been reading your blog for a while, and I'm so so heartbroken to have read about your dad having cancer. I recently lost a dear friend to lung cancer, and I completely understand what you're feeling. It's normal, and completely understandable, especially because it's the person who you may somewhat feel should be looking after you (not vice versa).
But while I know it can be horrendously difficult to watch, and I pray that your father beats the crap out of his illness, you'll eventually (one day hopefully far far far away) cherish moments like this when you were able to help him.
Unlike many of our friends, I am so greatful to have been close enough to where my friend was being treated to see her 2-3 times a week.
Your family is in my prayers.
You are not a bad person. You are merely scared. And that is okay.
And also, *HUGS!*
much love to you and your dad, bc. for the record, nothing you've written about him (not just here but in your whole blog) makes you seem like a bad daughter or bad person. you are lucky to have each other.
Ani -
It's OK to feel scared. It is an overwhelming thing to deal with.
Here's the thing though, you don't have to be perfect, or do the right thing. Nothing you do will be inadequate, just like nothing you can do in that situation will be movie-style perfect either.
Your anxiety is probably bigger than the task at hand. Once you get there, you'll probably feel good that you did. But you have to push through. Otherwise the guilt from not going can be crushing. Just go and sit with him. That's all.
Thank you all for your kind words. I wish I had good news to report. I'm just glad that I was able to sit with him.
Ennis is very smart. That's what I was going to say.
Tamasha: I second you!
Post a Comment