Regret: I wish I had many more pictures of my dad and me. You just never think that time is running out. I've had a lump in my throat since I got off the phone with my dad. He's in the hospital again (this has unfortunately become routine). The doctor has put a hold on his second round of chemo b/c he's so weak. My precious dad who has always been overweight is down to 100 lbs. My mom told me the doctors are advising him to go to hospice. My dad doesn't want to go to hospice and die, he says he's not ready. Hell, none of us are ready.
The picture above is from my birthday last year. My dad had just finished his chemo and he felt invincible. We all thought he had beaten this wretched disease. He was so excited to come visit. Hubby [such an amazing amazing man] planned a family road trip (my parents and us) to Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon. It was so much fun. My dad had a blast. He was all smiles.
Before, I would call my dad and we would fantasize about our next trips. We would talk about a family trip to India this Christmas. Maybe a trip to Hawaii. He would get so excited. He doesn't mention the trips anymore. I finally have money (my husband has money**) to take my dad to places he always dreamed of.
We never vacationed much when I was young. My dad is such a hard worker. He worked 7 days a week and 16 hours a day to make my life and my brother's life better. My family is blue-collar. He's never had the chance to travel or really have fun. I want to go on adventures with my dad and see the world together. I want to give him so much. It breaks my heart that I may never have that opportunity.
Do you ever play the if X happens then most definitely Y will happen? I've been playing that game: If I get pregnant then dad will definitely stay alive to see his grandson/daughter. I just don't have that hope anymore.
FUCK CANCER. It's robbed me of my hope.
[**I can't even put into words how generous my husband is. He has treated my family like his own from day 1. He calls my dad his best-friend. I have a wonderful man. ]
14 comments:
I am very sorry to hear that and it hurts for me to imagine the same for myself. I know it is inevitable but I keep it burie. He is the strongest, wisest man I know. My role model. Unfortunately, he made me tough like him and the only time I share how important he is, is when I hug him goodbye. It's a very very private hug and we grip each other like there's no tomorrow. But noone can know.
It's the best feeling in the world. I feel like a six year old again and feel so secure. It's a wonderful feeling. There just isnt enough time to hold on long enough. Thank you for sharing. I need to call him up one of these days and talk - in a manly way of course. :-)
I'm sorry. Unfortunately, I too know exactly what you are going through. Only for me, it's my Nani that is running out of time and in and out of ICU...
god sweetie, i don't even know where to begin....just that i'm so, so terribly sorry for the pain you're going through.
there is so much seemingly purposeless duality in life...something catastrophic happening at the very moment things are going so well... i've been told we cannot have good without the bad and vice versa. clearly, these are the moments in life that make us want to throw our heads up the sky and scream, "Why?!?!?!" i can only imagine what you're feeling, given that your father, this wonderful hardworking man who sacrificed his life for the betterment of his children, is ailing at a time where, circumstances being what they are, could offer up glorious fulfillment and reward for all his hard work.
god, i wish i knew the logic behind all the injustices of the world. it would make life so much more tolerable. i pray you find continued strength and support from those who love you. i also pray for the renewed health of your father.
sending you much, much love from across the miles...
I'm sorry about your dad and I hope that you don't have to wish going these places with him, that he'll go into remission again and you can actually surprise him with a grandson/daughter. It's also awesome that your husband is so involved. It would have been awful if he didn't take any interest and acted stoic. You seem to have a great hubby! :)
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how painful it is to watch a parent wither away and disappear in front of your eyes. I've been dealing with this reality for a long time now. Hang in there. Your father has a loving family and that is more important than anything else.
My thoughts, hopes, and prayers are with you and your father BC...
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm glad that you have such a supportive husband in your time of need.
Sending much love and positive energy from the city by the Bay.
my thoughts are with you. best of luck.
Ani,
I'm really sorry to hear this.
girl you know we are here for you! XOXO
PS. it's court
Sorry to hear about your dad. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I'm so sorry for you pain.
i'm sorry to hear this, ani:( i'm so close with my father and i cannot imagine having half the composure and strength you displayed in this post.
beautiful capture of a beautiful moment.
im sorry about your pops. he has such a wonderful daughter and son-in-law. very lucky.
i'm here for you, lady.
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